Story: Haruhi Paradox

 

What would you say was the worst case scenario in this situation? Where Haruhi Suzumiya was involved, that would normally be something like, let's say for the sake of example here... If Haruhi herself was to find out about all the supernatural stuff going on and then she works out she can warp reality and then she nukes it?

Yeah, that is a pretty effective worst case scenario! Alright, let's dial it back a bit. That's a ten, what would an eight look like?

"Wow, what a weird looking sword," Haruhi said. Picking it up from the hilt and holding it overhead to look at it like it was no big deal. "Heh! This thing is pretty light, but still heavy for a prop."

And along comes the eight as she tests the sharpness of the blade on her index finger. A tiny little cut, and just like that, the curse rushes into her body.

That's the mother and father 'oh shit' moment that you can have right there. Haruhi Suzumiya just got herself cursed. That's one thing, right? But think about what this curse did to Yuki. Think about the ravenous nymphomaniac it turned her into. No, sorry, correction - the ravenous bisexual nymphomaniac it had turned her into.

What sort of effect might it have on Haruhi Suzumiya? Would it twist her reality warping mind into a sexual obsession, perhaps? Or would she grab Kyon by the collar, pull him into the nearest closet and get her end away?

"Yo, Kyon!" Haruhi said, swinging the sword around. "Ta-da! I look like the hero of a samurai movie, don't I?"

"Put that down!" Kyon yelled. "Put it down, right away! That's a weapon you're holding right there! You already hurt Nagato, and you said you value our safety right?"

Haruhi pouted and then put it down carefully."Yeah, yeah!" she said. "You're right. I shouldn't be so - Gosh, it's warm in here isn't it?"

Kyon looked outside. It was, at present, raining quite heavily. If anything he was feeling quite the chill. Anyway, he was looking down at the sword. The freaky, freaky sword. That was not a normal sword. It was definitely not a normal sword. Absolutely, 100%, not a normal sword by any stretch of the imagination, and - 

For some reason, Haruhi was on her tiptoes patting his head.

"What are you doing?" Kyon asked.

"I dunno, your hair was bothering me," Haruhi said. Then she got back down, flat on her feet, and hooked her arm around his, dragging him across the room. "So anyway, where do you think this sword came from? It's got such a cool ornate design and - Gosh it is so <i>warm</i> in here."

Kyon, meanwhile, shuddered from the cold. He grabbed her hand, and to his surprise, she let him grab it. No comments about it, at all, but she did get a weird sleepy look on her face, alongside a dopey smile that was very out of character for her.

"Let me see that cut," he said. "Um... It doesn't look like it went that deep, actually? No blood, but..."

Next, he put his hand to her forehead. She was burning up! Now, from Kyon's point of view, not really knowing that much about the sword, he didn't actually know about the curse. He had no idea at all about what was going on with her right now. As such, he went for the obvious answer: "You're sick. You must have a cold."

"What, me, have a cold?" Haruhi asked. Then she grabbed Kyon's hand and rubbed her forehead against it. "No, no, no~ Silly Kyon, you're the one that's caught a cold, I see you shuddering. I'm just really... really hot."

So, from our point of view, Haruhi getting horny was not the worst case scenario, but still a pretty bad one. From Kyon's point of view, things were a bit different. A sick Haruhi? One that wasn't well? One that might wind up loopy from cold medicine? Or running a fever that makes her hallucinate?

That was pretty fucking bad! Actually, he might prefer the horny Haruhi if given the choice. Think about it. Horny Haruhi? She knows what she fucking wants and she's gonna get it. Hallucinating Haruhi? Who knows where that brain is going. Who knows what dreams may spout forth from that brain of hers. Anything could happen there. Literally anything!

As such, he was entering into full on panic mode while Haruhi was clinging onto him something fierce.

"Hey, you smell really nice," she said, rubbing her cheek up against his arm as if she was a cat, and he was a catnip golem.

Most guys, if a girl as cute as Haruhi Suzumiya was starting to rub up against them, they'd be very very happy. For obvious reasons. Hell, Kyon might've even been happy to be rubbed up against by Haruhi under normal conditions. Maybe. Probably. Actually, he'd probably think she was up to something and it would really not work for him at all, so maybe not?

The point is that in this particular moment in time Kyon's 'oh shit' meter was rising very hard, very fast.

"By the way don't get the wrong idea~" Haruhi said while clinging onto his arm. "I'm only holding onto your arm because it smells so nice, it's not because I like you or anything."

"I get it," Kyon said, though really, objectively, he did not get it. The boy somehow - somehow - did not clock to the fact that Haruhi liked him. Or that he liked her. He kinda sorta had for a moment when it was quite literally just the two of them together as the universe ended, but then he - the bigger tsundere idiot of the two - had effectively repressed the whole idea of it so that he could go on living a happy life.

Little did he know how easy it would be for him to pin Haruhi to the wall and get his end away. Not that he would take advantage of the situation, but... Maybe he would have dropped his guard enough that Haruhi would have tackled him to the ground and taken advantage of him.

Instead, he was guiding Haruhi down the hallway off towards the nurse's office, utterly oblivious to what he was heading towards. Or what he was supporting.

"Ah, maybe it won't look great if two members of our club are brought along one after the other like this..." Kyon quipped. Although, it was funny. Was this hallway always this long? And where was everyone anyway?

"Hehehe~" Haruhi giggled. "I'm sure Yuki is fi~in~e!"

It was kinda impressive how she'd managed to pronounce the silent 'e'.  Which Kyon should have taken as a warning sign of some sort, but alas, he was a little too wrapped up in imagining the horrors that might await them if Haruhi Suzumiya starts having a fever dream.

But he did notice. Soon after that. When Haruhi's hand grabbed his butt, despite her arm being wrapped around his. Despite their positions, despite everything else going on, somehow Haruhi had managed to goose him.

"Hey, what's the big -" he began to protest, but it soon died in his throat when he looked down, and saw her looking up at him. Her eyes were wide open. Her pupils dilated. Her breathing was heavy, and the smile on her face wasn't anything remotely human. It was beastlike. Lacking all but the most simple intelligences.

"S-say, Kyon?" Haruhi asked. "Can I lick your neck? Or maybe nibble on your earlobe a little? Not because I like you or anything, no, nothing like that, it's just - It looks so... yummy."

Before he could reply, she'd gone for the double Kabedon. Despite being shorter than him by about a foot, the madness in her eyes, the lunacy and ravenous hunger in her expression was... Quite concerning, if we may engage in some understatement.

Now, earlier, we had stated that Kyon might have found the idea of a horny Haruhi less scary than a hallucinating Haruhi. Yes, that is true - but only on paper. In practice? It's another matter entirely. Largely born from the idea that he hadn't remotely internalised the idea, the very bloody obvious concept that Haruhi Suzumiya got it real fucking bad for him but hid it under tsunderish pride.

But don't worry. He was about to learn. He was about to learn a whole lot. About his body, and also hers.