Story: Darkness Approaches

Honestly now, as if Kazuma would be so daft as to hire a party member like that. Megumin and Aqua were enough of a hassle as it was. Darkness might have had extremely large breasts, a really hot butt, and an extremely pretty face, but - 

He punched himself in the face. No, no. He was not going to start thinking like that. This way led to madness. If you let yourself get seduced by the fact that she was an absolutely perfect ten, you'd regret it later on when you were half way into a dungeon and she's trying to get herself eaten by a Gelatinous Cube.

Alas, the thought persisted. She was just that hot. In exchange for the odd spank here and there, maybe she would - no, he really should not indulge this line of thinking. It was ultimately self destructive, and a path he knew full well he should not walk.

But there is that reason for the warning isn't there? Don't put your dick in crazy. It should be self explanatory. The consequences of putting your dick in crazy are immense, and yet...The temptation lingers. The desire burns. Oh, how easy it would be to simply. Reach out. Take it. It would feel amazing. The sex would be out of this world.

It's almost like the reverse of a monkey's paw wish. You can see the bad consequences before you go for it, and yet... The temptation, the allure, the things your own treasonous imagination conjures for you! 

Ah, someone bumped into him! "Hey!" he yelped. "Watch where you're - "

A large man was towering over him. Scowling down at Kazuma, steam shooting from his nose. He lifted Kazuma up single handedly.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Kazuma begged off. "I  didn't realise I wasn't watching where I was going, so put me down right away -"

"Tsk..." the man grinned. "I'll give you a hundred gold to let me step on your back."

I'm sorry, what now? Kazuma barely had any time to register what he'd said before a smaller woman, a Cleric type by the looks of it, elbowed him in the ribs and really twisted it in there.

"Ignore him!" she warned. "He's simply incapable of containing himself. It's been too long since he made something suffer - so I shall have to make sure to discipline him properly myself later on."

She bit her lip and made what Kazuma could only describe as the sort of face someone makes in porn when they know they're gonna have some great sex later on, and they're specifically imagining their personal kink.

And... their third party member was someone who looked like a mage, who was wearing a collar and a leash that was being held by the Cleric. Their tongue was hanging out, and they were staring up at Kazuma expectantly. Huh. Big... Huh!

"By the way," the Cleric said. "While we have your undivided attention, have you seen the sexiest creature alive?"

Kazuma blinked slowly. "Uh...?" he replied. "Sorry, could you be more specific?"

"Bright blonde hair," the man grunted, his hot breath almost knocking Kazuma out on the spot. "Tall. Statuesque. Wears armour the same colour as her hair."

"Uh... You don't mean Darkness do you?" Kazuma asked. All three of them suddenly looked at him like he was about to offer them a winning lottery ticket. Or free access to all the porn on the planet, without any judging. Yeah, that was weirdly a closer metaphor. "Why do you want to know?"

"Darkness was..." the Cleric began, but again she bit her lip. "She opened my eyes. Oh! I once thought myself to the Church of Eris, but then - Oh, despite that she is a follower herself, Darkness awakened me to a higher truth! That scandalous, sinful body! She must be corrected. She must be taught properly how to not be a totally sinful sex magnet!"

Right, well, Kazuma was going to back off now - 

"It all began one fateful night, when we bathed together."

On the other hand he could stand to hear a little more.

"She entered clad in only a towel, and asked if she could join me," the Cleric whispered. "Oh, if only I knew then! I offered to help her wash her back, but it was only when she was on the stool in front of me, her back exposed, that I realised my folly!"

"Don't stop there," Kazuma insisted. "Please, do continue, as much information as you can give could mean the difference between life and death."

"I realised then what a temptress she was!" The Cleric had steam shooting out of her nose. "That body of hers must surely lead so many good men from the light of Eris! Of course, it was necessary for me to discipline her properly! So I pushed her over and began to give her a nice hard smacking with my soaped up hands!"

Hot. Very very hot!

"And the more I spanked, the more I recognised this was my calling!" the Cleric clung to herself. "Ohhhh, yes! I would help others! By disciplining them! Letting them come to Eris of her own accord!" A deep breath, and a sigh, and then - "So, where exactly is she now?"

"Darkness?" Kazuma gulped. "She just tried to join my party, but since she was kinda weird, I... just... said... No thanks?"

And now all three of them were giving him a new look. As if he'd said the craziest thing they had ever heard in their entire life. 

"You turned down Darkness?" the man asked, staring at him with total confusion, as if the words he was saying simply did not make sense at all. "You turned her down?!"

"Wait, did I hear you correctly over there?" said a new person. Some kinda thief, by the looks of it. A shifty picpocket type wearing a hood over their head. "You turned down freaking Darkness? That hot piece of ass! By Aqua, I wanna smack it so bad..."

"Oh, you guys knew Darkness as well?" said an overweight woman riding a rather less overweight woman as if she was a horse. She compelled her ride onwards by slapping her ass. "Do tell, where is she? I am certain I could persuade her to rejoin my party!"

"No, she'll join my party!"

"No, mine!"

"Mine!"

All of a sudden this seemed like a very bad place for Kazuma to be. They were all freaking weirdos! They were really, as some might say, really skeeving Kazuma out, and - 

And really think about that for a moment. Think about what it takes to unnerve Kazuma. Think about how absolutely gross and perverse you have to be for Kazuma to not just say 'you'd be so useless' but also 'I do not want to be in a ten mile radius of you'. 

That's a high bar to clear. This is Kazuma Satou, the protagonist of KonoSuba, famously cynical lecherous, and a bit of a scumbag himself. So to get him to not just insult you, but actively want nothing to do with you?

You have to be a whole new breed of degenerate.

We're talking about... Not just perverse — Kazuma himself steals panties with magic and has no shame. But you’d have to take it way further. Like, beyond socially acceptable perversion into actual danger-to-society levels. You would have to be... Irredeemably unhinged — Kazuma can deal with insanity to a degree. He deals with Megumin’s explosion fetish daily. But if you're someone whose logic even Kazuma can't parse? You're out.

If Kazuma says, "I don't want to be within ten miles of you," it's because you’re a nuclear-level toxic cringe factory. You're not just a joke character. You're a walking red flag that makes Kazuma, a man who bathes once a week and drinks with literal frogs, say, “Nope. Fuck this shit I'm out.”

That’s how far gone you’d have to be. Just to make sure we're on the same page here. 

"Um!" he protested, knowing in his heart it was to no avail. "Are the - Are the barbed wire whips really necessary here?" He ducked, then noticed that one of them, who looked to be a Paladin, had zip ties. Yipe! All of a sudden hanging around here felt like a really bad idea! Time for him to get the hell out of here pronto!

Kazuma did not walk. He did not run. He scurried. Like a man possessed. Like a man who had just seen a preview of the ninth circle of horny hell. He made it two blocks before collapsing behind a barrel, panting, eyes wide and haunted. Then... The thought hit him. Darkness said she was going to find them. Megumin. Aqua.

Kazuma’s soul left his body for a brief moment.

“No.”

“No no no.”

“Aqua is already an Axis cultist. Megumin names inanimate objects. If they fall under her spell too—”

His jaw dropped. His pupils dilated. A true nightmare scenario!

“I HAVE TO STOP THIS.”

He bolted. Because if Darkness’s aura could do that to a full party of functional adventurers, what the hell would it do to his? And worst of all… If he was the sane one? They were all screwed.