Alright then. Ukyo's mind was made up. If she was going to seduce Ranma Saotome, then it was clear that she was going to need one thing above all else: Practise. It's how she maintains her skills at making okonomiyaki, it was how she became so proficient at passing for a boy, and by god, it was how she'd lure that pigtailed hunk in between the sheets! Mark her words, Ukyo gonna get some!
No, she's not pent up! She's in love! With a boy that is sometimes a girl and who is very obviously in a committed relationship with another girl, who Ukyo sometimes gets on with and sometimes does not.
...
Just one night. Was that asking too much? Bah! Never mind that. If Ukyo was going to practise, then she needed a partner. The closest thing around here was -
"Chaaarge!"
A postbox that was, at present, very rapidly leaving her restaurant. Since she was thinking about someone to practise flirting with, the idea of even pretending to like Tsubasa filled Ukyo with the same feeling as eating a week old okonomiyaki.
Which left Ukyo with the effeminate, biologically male Kunoichi that did absolutely whatever Ukyo asked. Konatsu. Who was, at present, cleaning up the grill during a quiet period in the day.
"Hey, Konatsu!" Ukyo said. Konatsu turned and looked towards her, eyes blinking innocently. "I'm going to practise flirting with you. Any problem with that?"
Konatsu tilted his head, a soft smile forming on his lips, as if Ukyo had just asked whether he minded if she borrowed a broom.
“No, Ukyo-sama,” he said with utmost sincerity, bowing slightly. “Please use me as you see fit.”
Ukyo fought the sudden heat that threatened to creep into her cheeks. Damn it, Konatsu! Why did he have to say things like that with such honest eyes? It was infuriating. And adorable. But mostly infuriating!
“Alright then!” she barked, smacking her palm into her fist for emphasis. “This is for training purposes only! Got it?”
“Yes, Ukyo-sama.”
“Good. Now, uh…” Ukyo paused, arms crossed under her chest as she scrutinised him. He really was pretty, wasn’t he? He might have looked more like a girl than she ever did, even when she wasn't passing for a boy. Not that she was jealous! Not at all!
“So, Konatsu…” she murmured, letting her thumb brush his cheekbone. “How about you close those pretty eyes and let your darling Ukyo show you a good time, hmm?”
She felt absurdly proud of how smooth that sounded. She could practically see the scene in her head: Ranma would be leaning back, flustered, powerless before her unstoppable charm -
“I would be honoured, Ukyo-sama,” Konatsu whispered, trembling like a leaf in the wind.
Ukyo grinned smugly. Perfect. She was unstoppable. Ranma Saotome wouldn’t know what hit him. She leaned back, preparing her next line -
“Um, Ukyo-sama?” Konatsu’s gentle voice cut through her victorious daydream.
“Yeah?”
Konatsu tilted his head, blinking with innocent curiosity. “If I may ask… is this how you plan to approach Ranma-sama?”
Ukyo froze. “…Yeah. Why?”
Konatsu clasped his hands together, looking earnest and heartbreakingly sincere. “Well… please forgive my impertinence… but Ranma-sama would not respond like I do. Not at all.”
Ukyo’s eye twitched. “What do you mean, not at all?”
Konatsu looked genuinely apologetic. “Ranma-sama does not, um… understand smoothness. Or subtlety. Or romance, really. If you leaned in like that, he would probably - ”
“Probably what?” Ukyo snapped, leaning closer again.
Konatsu mimed Ranma’s likely reaction with alarming accuracy: first, he crossed his eyes, then flailed his arms wildly. “He would panic. Maybe run away. Or fall into a pond. Or find a way to completely ignore what you were doing, and accidentally insult you. Or all three.”
Huh... That... That actually did seem like how Ranma would react. Now. It was at this moment that Ukyo made The Mistake. Yes, capitalised, it's quite that serious. Not a regular mistake, no, no, this was a Mistake, and the one capital letter at the front might be quite wrong. It probably ought to be THE MISTAKE, but then again that might seem more like shouting.
That mistake took the form of a request: "Can you show me what might work on Ranma?"
Konatsu, not one to say no to a request from Ukyo, immediately obliged.
Ukyo crossed her arms, a skeptical eyebrow raised. Fine, she thought. Let’s see what this cutie thinks works on Ranma.
“Alright, Konatsu,” she said. “Show me. Pretend I’m Ranma, and do whatever you think would actually work on that knucklehead.”
Konatsu’s eyes sparkled with determination. He gave a polite bow, then straightened - and, to Ukyo’s surprise, dropped every trace of the flustered, obedient house-kunoichi. Instead, he stepped into her space - fast - so fast that Ukyo backed up a half-step and bumped into the counter behind her.
Konatsu planted his palms on either side of her hips on the counter, effectively trapping her. His face was calm, but his eyes glowed with open, guileless affection.
“Ukyo-sama,” he said softly, voice lower than usual but utterly sincere, “you work so hard. I admire that about you.”
Ukyo’s breath caught in her throat. “W-what - ?”
Konatsu leaned in closer, so close she could see every perfect eyelash. His hands, steady and gentle, slid from the counter to rest lightly on her waist - respectful, but firm enough that she felt heat bloom in her belly.
“If it were Ranma-sama,” Konatsu murmured, so earnestly that Ukyo couldn’t look away, “I would just be close. Not smooth. Just... here.” He let his forehead brush hers, a featherlight touch that made Ukyo shiver. “Ranma-sama always acts strong. But when someone’s gentle with him - when someone stays close and means it - he can’t run away. He doesn’t want to.”
Ukyo’s mouth opened and closed. Her brain had taken a lunch break without informing her.
Konatsu’s thumbs traced slow, comforting circles over her waist. He breathed her in like she was the warm hearth of a home he hadn’t dared to want. “If it were Ranma-sama,” Konatsu whispered, “I would tell him he doesn’t have to fight. Not with me. That he’s good enough. That he’s safe here.”
Ukyo’s heart slammed so hard against her ribs she was afraid it would break free and hop onto the grill. Konatsu pulled back just far enough to look into her eyes - too close, too soft, too perfect.
“So,” he said gently, “did I do it right, Ukyo-sama?”
Ukyo’s answer was a squeak. A squeak, and then she promptly slid bonelessly down the counter until she sat on the floor, hands pressed over her flaming cheeks. Konatsu crouched beside her, still sweetly oblivious to the fact that he had just melted every coherent thought in her head.
“Ukyo-sama?” he asked, tilting his head. “Should I... do it again?”
=====
"Hey best friends!" Ukyo said the next morning, a spring to her step. "How are the two of you?"
Alright, here it comes. She was ready for this. Ukyo was bound to be hurt by what she'd found out that they'd done. Last night, Shampoo had been working through all the possibilities. The anger, the tears, the accusations, the recriminations, the -
"By the way, I hereby bless your union, and would very much like to be the best man at your eventual wedding," Ukyo said, grabbing both of their hands. A big, eerie smile on her face.
"Uh, Uchan?" Ranma tilted his head in confusion. "You feeling okay...?"
"Oh yeah, I feel great!" Ukyo chirped. "Turns out, when you get fffffffucked by a genius kunoichi, the idea of having a relationship with anyone else is - Oooh, I gotta go, I gotta get back on that huge dick right now~"
"Woah, woah, woah!" Akane grabbed Ukyo's hand, keeping her from running off. "You hooked up with Konatsu? When did this happen?"
"Oh, at around about six last night," Ukyo said. "Then at seven. Eight. Nine, Ten. We slept for a bit after that, then again at six and seven this morning- God, I really gotta go, you don't know what you're keeping me away from. Akane, he's this big!"
Ranma fidgeted while looking at what Ukyo was holding up. Which seemed, to her, wildly improbable.
"Uh, I've seen Konatsu in pretty snug trousers," Akane whispered. "How the hell does he hide something like -"
"Same way I hid my boobs," Ukyo shrugged. "Skillful application of tape. Now, if you'll excuse me, my pussy loves that dick more than I love okonomiyaki~"
=====
Inside Shampoo's head, the two girls stared out at Ukyo's retreating body with total shock evident on their faces. Needless to say, but that was not what they were expecting here. At all.
"So... What now?" Shampoo asked.
"I dunno," Akane shrugged. "I guess we could cut class and fool around with Ranma?"
"You really is pervert girl..." Shampoo sighed. "But okay. Sound like fun."
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