Sunday, 21 May 2023

Story: Akane + Shampoo 2to1 Ring

 

Ranma 1/2 is a comedy. That seems like an obvious statement, but many of its fans seem to forget this. No, no, I don't mean the smut - It is a pretty horny comedy despite what its creator may say, full of nudity, perverse humour and the like. So there's nothing wrong with that.

To best explain... Let us consider the fine line between comedy and tragedy. In simple terms, the main difference between comedy and tragedy is that the comedy is a humorous story with a happy ending while a tragedy is a serious story with a sad ending. So? What does that mean in real terms? What is humour in this context? A man slips on a banana peel. That's funny ,right? He then breaks his arm, and it's not so funny anymore.

The humour in Ranma 1/2 is built on such a knife edge. It's funny that Ranma has to pretend to be Ranko around his mother, under threat of sepukku. Much less funny if she happens to find out the truth and forces him to go through with it! It's funny that Akane does not notice that Ryoga is P-Chan. It's not so funny if she discovers the truth and hates him for the rest of his life for taking advantage of her.

Do you see that fine line? This is why it is essential these points are not resolved in the universe, because if they are? The comedy turns to tragedy. Like a magician turning a bouquet of flowers into a clutch of thorns. Or perhaps a better metaphor might be an alchemist turning gold into lead.

Thus, normally when the so called love dodecahedron collapses, it is often portrayed as bringing tragedy with it. Shampoo, Ukyo or Kodachi turn murderous! Akane pretends not to care, but she never loves again! At least three of these girls will walk away with regret in their heart, carrying the smouldering flame of rejection and unrequited love. A flame that burns the soul, turning good people wicked, violent, perhaps even murderous.

And let's not mince words here. These girls weren't exactly stable at the best of times. Akane was introduced to us as 'nice, but also a violent maniac' and she had the most normal, peaceful introduction of the girls. Shampoo had literally chased Ranma across China, and was introduced to the series breaking through a wall to find her prey. Kodachi? Thrashed a bunch of girls who came together to confront her after she beat them up individually. Ukyo? Beat the tar out of Genma... which is a warranted response for anyone that knew him, but she also wanted violent revenge upon Ranma as well!

There is, therefore, a kind of sense to the idea. Of course they'd take it badly! When Shampoo and Ukyo thought Ranma and Akane were going to marry, they showed up with explosive food to ruin the event! If they actually managed to tie the knot, all hell would break loose! And from that, only tragedy can follow, right?

... No. not at all. This is a comedy. A comedy, not a tragedy. Just because circumstances had caused Akane and Shampoo to merge into the same person didn't stop this from being a comedy. Just because Ukyo learned that this fusion had actually managed to lure Ranma into bed one time didn't mean she was going to go all psycho on everyone!

"That idiot!" Ukyo yelled, stabbing a piece of pork over and over again. Ahem. Okay. This is part of that comedy thing, where the narration says one thing and the character does something that seems contra - Oh, she threw the knife across the room into the wall. Right into a picture of Shamkane. Ahem. I... I promise that she's not going psycho on us. I assure you of this. "I bet he doesn't even see me as a girl, right? That's why he must have slept with her, that - That jackass!"

Cue Konatsu, staring across the room with deep concern. They raised their hand. "I see you as a girl."

Ukyo shot a gaze across the room. This... actually said remarkably little. Everyone Konatsu met saw them as a girl, when biologically... Let's not get into that debate right now actually. Gender politics is complicated enough in the real world, when you throw in things like magic and curses and whatnot it can only get worse.

Anyway. Ukyo wasn't giving up. She'd merely lost round one. Inflicting violence upon Ranma would be a fast track to losing rounds two through infinity. So! A different plan was clearly needed here. She needed to catch up. She needed to at least make it to where her <i>good friend</i> had managed to get to, and that meant one thing alone.

S-E-X.

"I am going to have to seduce that idiot," Ukyo concluded. Her eyes darted around. She paced the floor. She bit her lip. She creased her brow, and then she stopped, pulled out a blackboard and drew some diagrams on it before slamming her hand into it in frustration. "How... how do you seduce a boy?!"

"Um!" Konatsu raised their hand again. "Usually what I do is pretend to be completely harmless, put on a cute persona, proclaim my love and enter their personal space. Most of them melt instantly."

Ukyo turned to look back at Konatsu again. The frustrating part was, that probably worked. Despite Konatsu being biologically male.

"I can't imagine you'd have any trouble with it," Konatsu said. Those words were like shuriken being hurled across the room. Right into Ukyo's heart. "You're very cute, so I'm sure that boys all fall for you right away." More shuriken! Such precision! "Surely you must already have tried something like that, a mere kunoichi like me should not have been so rude as to speak up -"

"No, no, no!" Ukyo said, waving her hands around. "Uh, I need a lot of practise, you know? I went to an all boy's school, but that doesn't mean I magically know - Wait... Wait... Boys like boobs. And butts." Right, of course they did. But how to exploit that fact? Especially when it was someone like Ranma, who could literally see those things any time. A splash of cold water and - Boom, there we go. Got some nice boobs to look at and a nice butt to leer at in the mirror. No problem there.

"Uuuuurgh, how the hell did she seduce him?!" Ukyo yelled. She rolled around on the floor, rubbing at her head. "It doesn't fit! It doesn't make sense at all! How the hell did she pull it off?!"

"A strong emotional attachment combined with sexual assertiveness and the right tone or atmosphere?" Konatsu offered.

"No, that can't be it," Ukyo waved it off. "Konatsu! Show me how you'd seduce me - " Konatsu turned purple here. "-If I was a boy!" And back to normal.

"Ah... well... Having to do that off the cuff is a bit..." Konatsu muttered. "I suppose it would probably be something like..."

In an instant, Konatsu transformed. The key to a successful transformation is not your appearance, but your body language. In one moment, a humble servant. The next? An adorable girl, sitting right there in front of Ukyo. Staring at her with sparkling eyes, a starstruck expression of total adoration.

"Ohhh, Ukyo!" eyelash flutter, eyelash flutter. "To be in the presence of such a manly boy, it's more than a young maiden's heart can take!" Then Konatsu rushed forward, embracing Ukyo and snuggling up against her, while Ukyo's head slowly tilted to the side, and if you listened very carefully, you'd hear an ominous creaking noise alongside it...

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What was she going to do with this idiot? Aside from have sex with him again later, that is. Shampoo had the unconscious dolt slung over her shoulder, much like a caveman who was bringing his new wife home.

"Uncute..." Ranma burbled in his sleep. Which got Shampoo to tap the idiot on the top of the head.

Urgh! This whole thing was a big complicated mess! She was still sorting through her feelings, and he goes and blurts it out to her biggest romantic rival! She was so, so angry at him right now! What was she supposed to do?

Thinking it over, the best thing to do in a situation like this would be... find someone else for Ukyo to date. But who? Hrm. Not Tsubasa. Never Tsubasa. Maybe that Konatsu? They were pretty cute, and they seemed to be into Ukyo too... No, no. Ukyo would never go for it. She'd have to think more carefully about it than that!

=====

Ukyo had a plan. It was a good plan. By which she of course meant a stupid plan. But it was the best she could do under the circumstances. If Shampoo was going to be that far ahead of her, then she'd have to take a few shortcuts to catch up. That meant having sex with Ranma at the first opportunity. And rocking his world better than Shampoo did.

Luckily, she had a pretty solid sex aide right here. Willing, eager and capable, and... fast asleep.  That was fine. For the time being. However! Ukyo would need to wake him up before long so they could have another go around.

"Kukuku... Just you watch!" Ukyo cackled to herself. "I'll practise sex until I'm way better at it than you! I'll make sure that Ranma can't keep his stupid hands off me!"

A reminder that this is a comedy, not a tragedy. Such thinking processes do not operate in any other medium, and it is strongly recommended that nobody ever, ever tries such a thought process again.


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