Story: Own Personal Shampoo

There was a hush in the air, as people settled down following Kodachi's furious proclamation. Not content to beat Shampoo, now she would prove that she could seduce her! Everyone was eager to see where this went. Especially the boys. And the yuri loving girls in the audience. Which meant basically everyone present in the crowd was on the edge of their seats, eager to see what Kodachi would do.

After all, looking her over Kodachi was a pretty girl in her own right. While Shampoo was cuter, bubblier and curvier, Kodachi had an elegant sex appeal to her as well. The physique of a gymnast is typically slender and flexible, and that was one stereotype Kodachi adhered to with aplomb. How might she proceed? How would she 'seduce' the one and only bored seeming person in the room?

In answer to this, we must peek inside Kodachi's head. She was the sort of person to bite off more than she could chew, then laugh it off as if she'd meant to do that. This foreign girl had done to her what she'd done to so many others! Gotten under her skin! Tormenting her with the ridiculous notion that she, Kodachi Kuno, was into girls and trying to flirt with her! Then twisting the knife by claiming that she couldn't seduce this - this Chinese bimbo if she wanted to! How ludicrous! How daft! How irritating! She'd show her. She'd show all of them!

The trouble was... Kodachi had never actually <i>flirted</i> before, which was somewhat leaving her stewing in her own juices. She attended an all girl's school. Her interactions with boys was somewhat limited... Oh, but there's the rub. When you corner girls off from boys like that, it only makes the heart grow fonder. More intrigued, more interested, more... Fascinated.

As such, while Kodachi herself had never flirted with anyone before she had certainly seen her peers practise on each other. Kukuku! Surely she could emulate what she saw from them! Use that as a starting point, and from there reduce Shampoo to mere putty in her hands!

"She's making her move, ladies and gentlemen!" the announcer said, as Kodachi smiled and slid off to the corner of the ring. "What move shall she make? How shall she proceed? What technique will Kodachi use to seduce Shampoo?"

"Come on, come on!" Kyoko muttered under her breath, eyes set to drink it all in. "This is gonna be the hottest thing ever!"

Cool as ice, Kodachi leaned back against the turnbuckle. One elbow propped up on the ropes. Feet slightly forward, creating an extremely casual body language. Then she looked Shampoo up and down, nodded in appreciation and said -

"Hey, how you doing?"

The gymnasium fell silent. Everyone stared at the ring, blinking in unison. Drinking it in. Really taking what they'd just borne witness to into account, digesting it, processing it, and then - Only then - deciding upon their reaction.

"Wow, that was lame."

"I knew that Shampoo was out of her league, but -"

"What, is she an American sitcom character all of a sudden?"

Those were the boys in the audience, mixed in with the girls that had already actually been on dates with boys. They had enough worldly experience about them to see through that cheap, easy come on from a mile back. Such lameness made them feel fortunate, superior, happier with their lot in life - and this does include our plucky protagonists, Ranma and Akane, who were grimacing at each other with genuine disgust.

"Woooow, she's so cool!"

"I never really thought about it before but Kodachi is kinda cute."

"I wonder if she'd go out with me later on...?"

And that was the reaction of the girls who either hadn't been on any dates, or had only dated other girls. For them, Kodachi's flirtation was like a message from the Gods, a peek into heaven, paradise promised if only they would reach out for it. Worth noting that Kyoko's nose was starting to bleed, and the smile on her face was like something from a horror show. Not least because of the blood. The teeth, she didn't have to show off so many teeth! Especially while her hand was moving automatically across her notepad, taking down details that she would be using <i>later</i>.

"Okay, Shampoo end this now," Shampoo sighed wearily, obviously just eager to get this over with.

As for Kodachi? She'd sensed the mood of the audience was somewhat mixed to her genius attempt at seduction. While she was delusional she wasn't quite as bad as her brother about it. She could laugh this off if she wanted to, but it was clear that she hadn't quite succeeded in seducing Shampoo. Although... This had set her mind thinking deeper still. 

You see, Kodachi did like needling people with nonsense. Provoking them, saying things that were blatantly absurd with full conviction, setting them up for failure no matter what they tried... It was only now that she was seeing these techniques being used against her, attacking her in a sore point - the fact that she never once had a boyfriend! The insinuation that she was into girls! It needled her. It rankled her!

Obviously this writer doesn't think there's anything wrong with that, but obviously Kodachi did! In the moments while Shampoo was grabbing some clubs to strike her with, Kodachi had an epiphany. A mirror held up to herself. In Shampoo's place, the fact that her adversary was annoyed would be taken as further evidence of whatever she was needling them about! Proof that it bothered them, that they didn't want to think about it, that they'd rather get on with their lives...

"Oh, of course, I get it now," Kodachi said. "That's what you were doing all this time! You were trying to get me to flirt with you, weren't you? Ohohohoho! How flattering!"

Yes, that's right. The ultimate technique to deal with trolls. Troll them back! They want to live in your head rent free? Turn the tables and live in theirs instead! Show them that their words don't bother you! In fact, not only do they not bother you, but the fact they're even trying means that you bother them!

Consider the mentality of the troll: They're usually doing it because they enjoy taking a rise of people. Thus, they will say truly absurd things that almost demand a response of some kinda - and then they will take that response as a win. Or they'll tell the most outlandish lies, and you can either challenge them or not. Challenge them? See two sentences back. If you don't, they'll act as if the lie is the truth. It's a true win/win. Either you win because your opponent refuses to play, or you win because they do! 

Thus, the only counterplay is to troll them back even harder. Don't take their arguments seriously. Treat them with disdain, turn them on their heads. Never go defensive. Go on the attack. Attack. Attack! If you're being defensive, it means you're losing. Don't let up, hit them with everything you have.

"Crazy gymnast lady really not my type," Shampoo replied. She brought the club down hard on the turnbuckle and somehow managed to crack it without damaging the club at all. Why the turnbuckle? Because Kodachi had elegantly leaped overhead, landing with a perfect ten, even from the Russian judge. "Is this your idea of flirting?"

"Not at all," Kodachi huffed. "I am onto your game now, you deviant! You desire my alluring figure, and who could blame you? Yet you can tell I have no interest, and so you resort to mind games to get what you desire! Oh, how tragic, oh how futile! Now that I know what you are about, I shall be distracted no more! Ohohohohohoho!"

A fine strategy! Be relentless like this, be on the attack! A fine way to deal with trolls... On paper. In practise? It forgets one simple fact. A crucial, key oversight that anyone employing this strategy must keep in mind. Trolls don't give a shit.

"If that's what lets you sleep at night," Shampoo shrugged. She brought her foot up in a high arch - and then kicked the ring beneath her feet with a rather tremendous amount of force, causing a large split to appear in the middle. The crack went in between Kodachi's legs, and then Shampoo ran into the ropes like a pro wrestler, except that she didn't bounce off. She simply kept on moving backwards - causing the ring to shift underneath Kodachi's feet. "But if you have dirty dreams about Shampoo, remember this."

Kodachi saw the ring start to move, split in two by Shampoo's strike. In shock, she leaped aside, away from the crack so that she could remain standing on solid ground. For the first time she truly had a sense of how monstrously strong her opponent was.

"That dream version of Shampoo will kick your ass first," Shampoo warned - right before the turnbuckle she'd struck earlier broke clean apart, and the tension from the ropes made it fly across the ring, striking Kodachi in the chest and sending her flying back into the crowd. A clear and decisive defeat. "Oh, and there are club members under the ring too. Hi girls!"

"Uh... Hi there?" one of the girls shyly waved from under the ring. Another girl elbowed her.

"And your winner! Shampoo!" the announcer cried to the thunderous applause of the audience. Though there were a few watchers who weren't applauding. Among them...

"Why do I get the feeling this isn't the last we've seen of her?" Ranma whispered.

"Pattern recognition," Akane wearily replied.