Story: Data Corruption

Routine is an important part of any humanoid's day. Yuki had long since learned that on Earth, it was important to only be active during the daytime and to remain still at night. And so, she had set up her own routine to make things seem as normal as possible. She made sure her uniform was clean and 'pressed' each day. She did not strictly need to consume nourishment to maintain herself, but she made sure to purchase something nutritious and cost effective every day to keep up appearances. Then she sat in her bed, waiting for dawn. No need for sleep. No need to dream. She simply got on with it.

And then... This particular morning, she left her place of residence and stepped off towards school. Almost the instant that she did, Yuki became aware that something was a little... off.

"Hey babe, I'm here to fix the plumbing," said a burly chiselled handsome man with his shirt open, a toolkit in hand. At the window was a woman wearing a bathrobe and a smile. That data point had been ignored by Yuki. Humans regularly needed to have their plumbing checked by an expert, owing to atrophy and misuse causing issues that required further maintenance.

However, the next door over had something very similar happening. Except this time, it was a woman wearing remarkably short shorts, a pair of suspenders and nothing else, while the man was in a partially opened bathrobe. "Hey there, here to work on your pipes," the woman said, making use of an odd series of emphasis.

Then the next door down had something similar, and the next, and the next. It was enough to make Yuki stop in her tracks and consider how peculiar this was. Four people, in a row, in need of plumbing assistance? That could indicate a broader problem than a particular household's internal plumbing needs. It could be an issue that the broader city would have to deal with.

"Pizza delivery, I have a hot and steamy crust with extra filling~" said a delivery man, while two woman in rather flimsy dresses eyed him over. Isn't it quite early in the day for a pizza delivery? That seemed like a most unwise breakfast choice.

"Oh no sir, I ran into you by accident~" a twenty year old dressed like a schoolgirl said to a businessman on the other side of the street. "Could you please help me into that building?"

She was pointing at a love hotel. This seemed quite unwise to Yuki. It was the sort of thing that would easily lead to an enormous misunderstanding. Humans were prone to misunderstanding each other. They often did not hold sufficient data about their surroundings to -

"Hey babe," a boy from her class at school said to her, leaning cooly against a wall. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

"I did not fall," Yuki said, but left it there as she was not meant to reveal her alien nature to pretty much anyone. Still... She did feel an odd compulsion to go with him which... was proving difficult to... How many squats did this boy do each day to have a physique like that? Irrelevant to the mission. But human health is a fascinating factor to analyse - which was not relevant to Haruhi Suzumiya.

Yuki's head twitched a picometer to the right, as she suddenly and keenly became more aware of her surroundings. Perhaps misunderstandings were possible for Humanoid Interfaces as well as they were for humans...?

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If Kyon were the superstitious sort, he would have thought that it had been a bit too quiet recently. Haruhi hadn't acted up too much, there were no bizarre plots from time travellers, no Espers playing practical jokes on him, and no aliens popping up in his life to warn him of some cosmic threat that should, by rights, be far far above his level of responsibility. Yet it wasn't. For some reason.

Instead, he was resigned to enjoying the peace and quiet. This was a gift horse, and he did not intend to look it in the mouth. A curious turn of phrase, isn't it? When one receives a horse as a present, one should not check its teeth to determine its health, as that is being rude and condescending, checking the quality of the gift before acquiring it. Hinting that you care less about the fact you were given a gift, than of what use you can make of it. Judging the other person, implying that they haven't given a damn about the quality themselves before giving it to you...

Perhaps this was a sign of boredom? Ruminating on a proverb was probably not a healthy sign. Well, right now Haruhi was busy discussing something with Miss Asahina - a perfect chance to slip away to the clubroom to meet with Nagato and ask her opinion on the matter. It might be interesting to consider what she might -

"Like, omigod, that guy is such a fucking studmuffin."

"You say that about all the boys, scatterbrain~"

Kyon slowed to a crawl as he passed two girls in the corridor who were attired rather... peculiarly. The skirts were a quarter of the length they should have been, and the blouses were about a third the right size. You could see a considerable amount of underboob. Actually, an absurd amount of underboob. It laid a question at Kyon's feet - how were they able to keep their breasts from falling out? Double sided tape? No, more important than that, why had they not been sent home?

...

The world felt a little heavier all of a sudden. Oh no. Something had happened, hadn't it? Kyon put his hand upon the doorhandle to the clubroom, stepped inside, and found himself within a private data space that sealed up behind him. Yuki Nagato standing in the clubroom instead of sitting, her back turned to him.

"Is that Kyon?" Yuki asked. He reached out to touch her, but she stepped away. "It would be safest if you did not touch me, or let me observe you in any direct way. It is dangerous enough that you are close to me at this present time."

Kyon quirked an eyebrow, wondering what she meant by that.

"I am corrupted by an unknown data virus of pornographic intent," Yuki said. Ah... Hold on, wait a second back up there. What was that? Pornographic intent? "Any data that I directly observe or interact with is transformed in accordance with norms associated with pornography."

She was... infected with porn? Huh? That sounded like - Actually, he didn't know what that sounded like. Ridiculous? Yes, that was one word that leaped to mind!

He had so many questions, but if what Yuki said was true then she couldn't risk looking at or hearing him without potentially corrupting him as well. Which would be bad. Very bad. It meant she couldn't do much of anything at all to sort her problem out without risking making things worse for everyone!

"Go to the student council and ask for Emiri," Yuki said. "She is also a data humanoid interface. She will be able to safely report this matter without risking a further spread of corruption." Alright. That sounded reasonable enough. He could do that much. "That is, unless you are already infected. In which case, please smack your manly rugged hands upon my fine alien ass."

... Kyon blinked and backed out of the room. Carefully, quietly. If Yuki gave him an instruction, it would be best to follow it without asking too many questions. He'd learned at least that much from his various misadventures. Still, he hoped that Haruhi didn't encounter him going to the student council. Not only would she insist upon following him (which would raise its own issues), but she viewed the council as an enemy to the SOS Brigade.

It was something he was trying really hard to not think about that much because, knowing his luck, thinking about it would will it into happening somehow. Except... not today? Alright, he could live with that. Still, Kyon looked around nervously. It would be just like Haruhi to go against expectations and lurk around a corner to spy on him, or hang from the ceiling, or something equally absurd.

He knocked on the door while doing that, and heard a male voice say "Enter!" almost immediately. And so, in he went, finding the student council president - put into the role by Koizumi's group to function as a means to keep Haruhi entertained - sitting at his desk seeming quite happy.

"Oh, Hi-ya! Kyon!" the council president said in a high pitched voice. Ah? That was a bit weird. "So? What can I do for you to~daaaay?"

"I was hoping to speak with Emiri," Kyon said, giving him a side eye. "Is she around?"

"I'll say she is!" the council president laughed, in a manner most unbefitting a council president. He reached under his desk, and acted like he was patting something down there. Huh? "She's around deeze nuts! Hah! Gods above, she's so fucking good at this! You'd never believe it!"

Huh? What? Good at what exactly? Kyon stepped deeper into the room, around the desk and - Oh gosh! He didn't need to see that!

"Anyway, she's kinda tied up sucking my dick right now," the council president said. "She had this bright idea about changing the uniforms for the girls to be more appealing to the male gaze, and frankly I approve. The uniforms are cute, but they can be cuter! What do you think, buddy? Wanna see Haruhi Suzumiya strutting around in a microskirt and a blouse to short to contain her chest?"

"Yes, by which I mean yes, by which I mean that would be inappropriate, but also very much yes," Kyon replied without a second thought. Though he was a bit too busy backing out of the room to really address this issue. "Pardon me, I have to... inform my fellow club member of something important."

Like the fact that the situation was much, much worse than she'd believed. That seemed like an important detail to share. Pronto. ASAP. As instantly as humanly possible! Though it did leave him with a rather large problem. If both Nagato and Emiri were corrupted already, then was there any chance at all of fixing this mess...?