Story: Pride and Joy

Mousse was half blind, but not stupid. Hey! I hear you laughing there, he's not! Okay, fine, maybe he is stupid, but he's not completely braindead. He can think! He can, really he can! Anyway, right now Mousse was feeling frustrated and left out. Ranma and Ryoga had gone off in hot pursuit of the beast that had kidnapped the girls, while he'd wound up left out of the action, in large part because he'd wound up following a group of migrating birds, mistaking them for the enormous bull-like creature.

Can we re-evaluate for a second whether or not he's brain dead? He's not...? You're sure? Okay, then. Fine. If you say so. Well, anyway. Now he was trying to track them down and not really having an awful lot of luck about it.

"Shampoo! Where are you!" he wailed to the sky, to no avail at all. "I swear, if that beast has harmed a hair on your head, I shall unleash a wrath even the heavens could not imagine!"

Bonk! A cane came down upon his head, nearly knocking his glasses off. Turning around, he realised that he'd been attacked by a wild monkey - which quickly transformed into the old ghoul as he adjusted his glasses. Funny, that.

"You truly are an idiot, aren't you?" Cologne asked. "What are you still doing here? Are you truly this dense? " She trailed off for a moment, her enormous eyes seeming to stare off far into the distance. "Forget I asked that. It's practically begging you to prove that you're even worse than I thought."

"I will not give up," Mousse said, straightening his back and adjusting his glasses in an attempt to look cool, which generally worked provided you hadn't met him before. Which Cologne, much to her regret, had many times before. "My love for Shampoo is unshakable. It is a core of my very being, my essence, my soul is devoted to the idea that we shall be together forever."

"Goodness, why would you wish such a cruel thing upon my great grand-daughter?" Cologne asked. "Whatever did she do to you?"

"Crack wise all you like!" Mousse yelled back. "In time, she will see the truth! That Ranma Saotome... He could never hope to measure up to a real man, like me!"

Whatever response Mousse was expecting, loud mocking laughter was not it. If anything, he'd expected to be bonked on the head, told to go inside the cafe and do the dishes, or perhaps wind up splashed to shut him up.

"Please, do tell me that again," Cologne said. "You believe, in your heart of hearts, that you measure up to Ranma Saotome?"

"Well, yes! Of course I - What is so funny?!"

"Ah, mercy me," Cologne wiped a tear from her eye. "I apologise, I shouldn't bully the foolish, but you walked right into that one." She then started laughing again. "Ah... I just imagined you literally walking into <i>it</i>. Ohohoho, wouldn't you get a surprise! You call yourself a master of the hidden weapon? Well, there's one weapon you're keeping hidden that Ranma can certainly beat you with. It's a wonder he can keep it hidden at all, too!"

It felt like he was being made fun of, but he was missing some vital context. Which was annoying. It's always annoying being the butt of a running joke, though some instinct was telling him that maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't start asking questions he might not like the answer to.

"Well, while you're laughing it up, Shampoo is at the mercy of a monster that goes around grabbing girls for whatever reason," Mousse said. "So? Are you going to help me find them?"

"No need," Cologne said. "Shampoo called the cafe not too long ago. Apparently they are recovering at - Ahhh, you know, if I tell you then you're going to rush off and do something foolish. I can't do anything much about the latter, but I can at least limit the former."

Something wasn't right, here. Shampoo had called to say she was fine, and the old ghoul wasn't saying where she was? His imagination raced at the mere suggestion. Could it be? Had her mere presence, her radiant beauty, her glorious figure, finally broken down that weak willed pigtailed buffoon? Had they sequestered themselves away somewhere, his deceit allowing him to sully her pure body with his perverse, sinful desires?!

In a way, it made sense. After all, the other day he had seen Akane Tendo spending time with a boy that was not Ranma Saotome! It was someone named Ukyo Kuonji, if he recalled correctly. The name rang a bell, but he couldn't quite place it. The point was, if Akane Tendo was no longer engaged in a romantic relationship with him, then... It would only make sense if he wound up looking elsewhere for affection, and Shampoo was innocent and naive enough to -

"You do realise you said all of that out loud?" Cologne asked, sniping yet again. "Oh dear, you're about to do something extremely stupid aren't - and he's off to the rooftops, how wonderful. Perhaps I should stop him before he does himself an injury." She then stayed still for a minute or so staring after where he'd leaped off to. "I'm getting a bit too wicked in my old age... Oh well. I must find enjoyment where I can."

As for Mousse, he was frantically looking around for any trace of his beloved, and finding none. That was the trouble. He hadn't the faintest idea where to start his search. He had been motivated to begin driven by the belief that his heart would know where to look, but there were two main problems with this plan.

1: That's not a plan.

2: That's not a plan.

Yes, that's the same point, but it's such a big problem that it's worth mentioning a second time. Of course, it didn't exactly help much that he couldn't actually see too well at the best of times, and 'blind panic' isn't exactly helpful to his vision, and if you want a clue to prove this point note that the word 'blind' was in there. 

There was nothing wrong with his ears, though, as he caught sight of an inhuman wail, like a banshee rising from the grave. Or however that myth went.

"Ooooooh, yessssss!"

He peered down, and found himself looking directly at... a post box. Oh! But next to that post box there was a girl with enormous breasts. Focusing as much as he could, and making sure that his glasses were clean, he saw... Was that Nabiki Tendo? Hrmph. He had no interest in her whatsoever. She was clutching at her chest and - it seemed to be growing at a considerable rate. Next to her was Tatewaki Kuno, sheathing a weapon. Bah! This didn't deserve his attention, it was merely that troublesome blackmailer getting what was coming to her. She'd provoked people long enough and - 

And...

Dammit. As much as he hated it, he couldn't just ignore her. As such, he took a deep breath and made ready to leap in to defend the weak - only for Kodachi Kuno to leap in, letting out her trademark laugh, scooping Nabiki Tendo up and leaping across the -

"What the hell happened to her boobs?" Mousse wondered. He took his glasses off and rubbed at them. Just to make sure. Yes, indeed, her breasts were far larger than he remembered.

...

This had nothing to do with Shampoo. Nothing at all. And yet, he couldn't leave it alone. It felt like he was continually spying odd events right on the corner of his vision, and so he followed the gymnast at a distance, easily tracing her movements once he had his bearings. She was heading to the Kuno compound.

Once he knew that, he was able to duck away and take a different route to avoid detection. Sure enough, he watched her leap inside, and - Against his better judgment he retrieved a claw upon a rope and used it to climb his way in. What did he expect to do, here? Did he expect those girls to give him answers? Did he expect to find Shampoo lurking here, for whatever reason?

Either way, he continued on, uncertain of what he might find. He crept along the outside of the building, mindful of the traps set seemingly everywhere - as a master of hidden weapons, the signs of a good trap weren't hard to spot (though this was only true because Shampoo wasn't involved. If she had set the traps, he'd fall for every single one of them), and as he approached a certain window he started to hear certain... sounds.

"Ohhh... Ohh, right there!" That was Nabiki Tendo. "That's exactly what I needed, fuck!"

"Ah! Ahhh! Ahh! Next time, listen before you rush off, you idiot!" Kodachi grunted back. Mousse hurried to the window, and then his glasses immediately steamed up.

Are you kidding?! The two of them were - They were! He didn't even know girls could do that! They were naked, legs intersecting, grinding their - their private areas up against one another! It looked like a pair of interlocking scissors trying to cut one another!

Then there were their breasts. Their frankly ridiculous, absurd breasts! They shouldn't be that big. Nowhere near that big. When he thought of both girls, their bodies were much more svelte than that. Their breasts weren't nearly as big as Shampoo's!

"Ohhhh, god, this isn't enough! I need a dick!" Nabiki moaned. "Fuuuck! That new technique your brother learned is the fucking worst!"

"I am aware, Nabiki Tendo!" Kodachi spat back. "However, as I recall, it was your idea to send him off to watermelon island!"

Watermelon island...? A special technique...? How interesting. How very, very interesting. While he still had no idea of where to search for his beloved Shampoo, keeping a close eye on that doofus Kuno seemed like a good idea all of a sudden. It certainly beat running around like a headless chicken. 

Though if anyone had asked Shampoo her opinion, she'd have said that the headless chicken had more of a brain than Mousse did.