Ordinarily you would expect a gunshot being fired off to be a cause for concern, especially in Japan. Not so on this land. Anyone trying to report gunfire around these parts would find themselves hearing a lot more up close and personal in their near future.
The gates of the traditional Japanese style house were kicked open, and a guy with a flashy looking suit and pompadour ran out of it. “You crazy bitch! See if you can get any dates in this town again!” He shouted.
And then another gunshot rang out, and his hairdo had a nice sized hole in it.
“She said no.” A woman with short hair, wearing a darker and much classier looking suit said. She had a very large handgun in her hand, and there was a tanto on her belt to add to the entire look. “So I suggest you find a girlfriend more amiable to smug little punks.”
The punk got the hint and ran away.
The woman in the suit watched to make sure he wasn’t doing anything stupid. Once he turned the corner and went to the dry cleaners to get his pants cleaned she put away the gun and turned around to face the house, looking up at the young woman leaning out the window with slight disinterest. “I’m sorry he managed to get close enough to give you those awful tacky jewels Miss Miasaki.” She said.
"Oh, is that what these are?" Miasaki said, playfully juggling the jewels in question. "I thought they were toys."
There was a buzz in the suited woman’s pocket, she pulled out a cellphone. “Rei here.” She said, “Hmmm, OK Boss. We’ll be there in a few minutes.” She hung up the phone. “Miss Misasaki, your Father wants to speak to us.”
“Again?” She sighed and got up, “Very well, I’ll be downstairs as soon as possible.”
<hr>
The Boss, as it were, slammed a fist against the table. He was a large man, with an eyepatch and scar across his face. So the entire room shook when he did so, with both Misasaki and Rei being bounced into the air slightly upon impact. Not that either reacted. “That’s the fifth date I’ve set up that’s ended up shot!”
“They didn’t die boss, I just blasted their tacky hair-dos and outfits.” Rei said.
"Tacky?" The Boss said. "In my day that was the in-look."
Rei, with the effortlessness of a consummate professional, resisted the urge to facepalm <i>so< hard</i> that she actively prevented anyone from facepalming within a ten mile radius.
“Daddy. The In-look isn’t 70s manga villains anymore.” Miasaki said, “I know you’ve got that whole Yakuza <i>Aesthetic</i> thing going on, and it works with you, but nobody looks good with zoot suits and big hair anymore. It’s 2020. Get with the times.”
The Boss stared long and hard at his only daughter, then stomped around the table to approach his wife. She was a stern looking woman, with one silver streak in her black hair, with a dark kimono as her outfit of choice. The Boss then grabbed onto her wife’s sleeve.
"Honey! Our daughter just lectured me! Wah!"
His wife then elbowed him hard, and The Boss stopped wailing and then - as always - went on as if nothing had happened. “You’re 20 years old Miasaki, and while I didn’t mind your high standards in high school, ahem, it’s about time you start thinking of the future of our clan. I’m not asking for a marriage meeting, but have you even kissed a boy yet?”
“Can’t say that I have.”
“See! You need to find a boyfriend, to at least <b>start</b> the process of taking over the clan once you have a husband!” The boss turned around and looked out the window, “Why, when I was your age my mother tied me up and threw me into limos with her friend’s daughters!”
“And you met me when you escaped from that one who really liked knives dear.” Mother said
“Uggg…” Miasaki groaned, “FIne! Tell you what Daddy, how about I go find a guy to date and bring him over? Maybe then he won’t be shot!”
“I mean, he still might get shot.” Rei said. “But it wouldn’t be because he’s a guady punk.”
“I… I think that might be OK. Fine. Let’s see what sort of boy you bring over.” The Boss said, “Rei, I trust you’ll make sure he’s <b>safe?”</b>
“Of course Boss.” Rei said, nodding to him.
<hr>
Imagine, if you would, a rather handsome young man walking across the street with a rucksack on his back. For some reason he's wearing a lousy fake mustache. He enters a store with a jaunty whistle on his lips -
Then finds himself tossed out on his rear. The owner of the store then points at a photograph on the entrance.
"Barred for life!" the owner says.
"Oh, no sir. That would be my cousin. The handsome, intelligent and charming Mitsuhiro. I am often mistaken for him," the young man said.
"Is that so?" the shop owner said. “Great! Tell him he’s banned for life too.”
Well, so much for that. Mitsuhiro dusted himself off and took off his false mustache. You win some, you lose some. He put his hands in his pockets and slunk off down the street, defeated, but still thinking ahead.
You've heard of the saying 'if you want to find out the easiest way to do a difficult job, make a lazy person do it'? Well, here's the very best living example of that. After being pushed through middle school, through high school, and finally into college Mitsuhiro had realized the entire system was bullshit when with his fancy degree all that he got was a low paying job with a boss more interested in sexually harassing his coworkers than actually getting things done.
The world revolves around one thing and one thing only. Money. If you wanted to do anything in life, you needed money. So, he set about trying to get it. Simple enough. Less simple, he didn't exactly want an honest day's work to -
"Is that a ten-thousand yen bill lying carelessly in the middle of the pavement," he did not say aloud, because saying such a thing aloud would draw attention to the fact. He did, however, think it quite loudly. Mitsuhiro took his hands out of his pockets, started whistling and strode along towards the bill with all the nonchalance of a murderer walking away from the scene of the crime. That is to say, next to none at all. He then stretched out his arms, then made as if to tie his shoelaces while actually reaching for the bill -
Only for it to mysteriously move about a half foot away. Ah, picked up by a gust of wind? Then he'd simply shuffle his feet a little and then -
Darn, another half foot, just a little out of his reach. Maybe this time...
<hr>
“Miss Miasaki, may I ask how this will find you a suitable boyfriend?” Rei asked.
Miasaki had a fishing pole in her hand, and was reeling it in from the open door of their limousine.
"Well, since you did ask," she sniffed. "He's handsome. He's a quick thinker. He's charismatic."
Then she gave a last tug to the line, pulling in both a ten-thousand yen bill and the boy in question.
“He’s an idiot.” Rei said.
"Yep! Absolutely perfect!" Miasaki said, grinning down at her brand new boyfriend. Who was sitting squat on the limo floor with the note between his teeth.
“Hmm wuzzat?” He looked up. And by sheer luck he was positioned as such to see straight up Miasaki’s skirt.
"And he's a pervert," Rei calmly said while holding a tanto up to his neck.
“Even better!”
Mitsuhiro realized that, perhaps, he had been bamboozled in some fashion by this bit of cash. The serious looking woman with the short brown hair, shades, and a tanto pointed at his neck was a bit scary. On the other hand, the woman sitting in front of him with her legs crossed just loosely enough to still reveal her purple panties to him (Oh dear) looked amused. She had a dark tan, and dyed blond hair with sharp green eyes. She grinned like a shark at him, her jewelry sparkling in the light. “Uh, good afternoon?”
“Hello! What's your name?” She said, “Please be quick about it.”
"Hrm... One hundred yen, in exchange for my name."
<i>Click</i> A gun was suddenly pointed at his head.
"You drive a hard bargain, Miss. My name is Mitsuhiro. Do I have your permission to scream in mortal terror?"
"Permission denied." The blond beauty crossed her legs and leaned froward, “So are you ready to meet my parents?”
“Meet your what?”
“You’re Miss Miasaki’s boyfriend, and you’re going to meet her parents.” Rei said, putting away the gun.
"I'm her what?"
"Bo-oy-fr-ie-end," Miasaki said, grabbing hold of Mitsuhiro's lips and cheek, forcing him to make the mouth shapes for those syllables. "And no, you don't have any say in this."
"Why me?" Mitsuhiro said, as soon as she let go.
"Yes, why him?" Rei asked. "Surely there are better, more willing candidates."
“Because he’s terrible. When they see how stupid and dumb this guy is Daddy will have to stop pestering me about getting a boyfriend.” Miasaki said happily.
“What if he likes me?” Mitsuhiro said.
Both girls immediately shifted to an expression similar to one you could put on when eating a piece of bread that was secretly moldy. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it Darling.” Miasaki said after a moment, “So get ready for our first date!”
“So, uh… who exactly are your parents?” Mitsuhiro asked.
“Have you heard of the <i>Ote</i> (王手) clan?” Rei said.
“Ote clan… uh… aren’t they a Yakuza gang…?” Mitsuhiro said.
“Yup. My dear Daddy is The Boss, and I’m the heir to the Clan.” Miasaki said, “So, you know, no pressure.”
“So… you guys…. Are pretty rich then, right?”
"Oh, we're loaded to the fucking gills!" Miasaki cackled, summoning a fan made out of ten-thousand yen bills and fanned herself with it.
"Alright darling! Let's meet your father!" Mitsuhiro said, putting his foot on the seat and pointing dramatically up into the surprisingly tall limousine's roof.
"Feet off the chairs," Rei warned, pointing her very large handgun at his ankles. "We wouldn't want your poor, worthless feet tracking mud or blood all over the upholstery."
He meekly and quietly removed his foot, and tried to hide his greedy grin. So this girl thought she could use him to get her father to put off making her get a boyfriend, huh? A family this rich? Heh. Hehehehehe! We'd see who would be using who before long! He'd use this as an in, and settle in nicely with a rich yakuza family! He'd be set for life! No more money problems, for so long as he would live!
Rei leaned in towards Miasaki and whispered. "I think he's plotting something underhanded."
"I know. Perfect, isn't he? Daddy will hate him within the first minute!"
- Daddy loves him instantly.
- Actually, he's just pretending to in an effort to get along with his daughter.
- <i>Orrr</i> he knows his little girl too well and is on to her bullshit.
- Cue rival family attacking the limo.
- That guy Rei shot is freaking pissed, especially when he sees what a loser “his” girl is now “dating.”
- Something Else
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