Sunday, 9 February 2020

Story: Akane the Half Alien


Shinobu Miyake was a lot of things. Ataru's ex-girlfriend. Perpetually frustrated by the weirdness all around her. A perfectly ordinary, cute girl who had absolutely no strange qualities whatsoever. She was also not a voyeur.

Until now.

It hadn't been deliberate, or anything like that. She'd been out on a stroll. Admiring the scenery. Leaning over to sniff a flower in a bush - and then in a gap between the leaves she saw it. Akane, Lum's cousin. Leaning in and kissing that tomboyish pigtailed girl. No even a peck on the cheek or anything like that. It was a lot more affectionate than that.

Do note that the existence of lesbians was known to Shinobu. However, it was still... shall we say taboo at this point, to say the very least. The sight of it sent her heart racing, and her feet followed shortly after.

"Oh wow, there's no mistaking what that was," Shinobu said to herself, back in her room. “Akane is cheating on her fiance with her cousin!”

They made a cute couple though. Shinobu slapped her cheeks. No, no! Bad! Akane was way cuter with Ranma! Sure, that hunky boy had a bit of a personality problem. He was a bit too brash, too cocky, too arrogant... Then again so was Mendo and that didn't stop her from crushing on him super hard. Which was more handsome between them, she wondered? Ranma, or Mendo?

For a fleeting moment Shinobu indulged in a brief fantasy where she was the meat in a stud sandwich. But only for a moment!

"As a decent human being, I cannot let this stand," Shinobu decided. She rose to her feet, fire in her belly and determination etched into the very air around her. Fist clenched hard enough to turn coal into diamond, she steeled her will and stormed off out of her room. "After all, anyone in a relationship with Ataru Moroboshi knows how it feels to be two timed!"

Note that she didn't say anything about that relationship being 'girlfriend'. Ataru was the kind of guy who'd find a way to two-time his parents, if he could. That's right, live with another couple, have them be mother and father instead. Though that's rather less a commentary on Ataru himself, more his actual birth parents.

In any event, Shinobu was like a laser guided missile right about now. She was scouring the island searching for that pigtailed -

"Hey Shinobu, want me to rub sunscreen on your ba-"

Ignoring Ataru and punting him off into the ocean, deal with him later. Nothing could distract her. Absolutely nothing could keep her from this -

"Ooh, is that a seafood all you can eat? I am rather hungry," Shinobu said, sitting down and having a nice meal to fill her stomach. Oh yes, only the best. Who could expect less? Of course Mendo would hire on top quality chefs. Ah, how filling. How satisfying! She left the room patting her belly feeling genuinely satisfied.

"Nothing will distract me now that I am full of tasty, tasty fish!"

Aha! There he was! Coming out of the sauna, so far as she could tell. "Ranma! Coo-ee!" Shinobu waved at him to get his attention. No sign of Akane. Perfect! "Listen, there's something I need to tell you."

"Huh? Wassurnameagain?" Ranma said. The poor boy. Here he was, ignorant of the world, with fish cakes stuffed into his mouth. How they would turn to ash upon learning the truth. He swallowed the fish cakes. "Oh yeah, you're that chick that thinks that Mendo guy is all that, for some reason. You know, it's not my place to say, but I think you could do better than a jerk like him."

“I used to date Ataru.”

“...damn girl.”

"Anyway, never mind my relationship woes! We have to talk about yours!" Shinobu whisper-yelled. She grabbed Ranma quite forcibly by the arm and dragged him along to a more secluded place. The fact she was able to do this seemed to surprise him for some reason, as if he wasn't actively letting her do so. "Look, there's no easy way to say this, but... But I think Akane is cheating on you."

He made a sound like a raspberry. Clearly, he did not believe her.

"It's true," Shinobu insisted. "Look... I saw it. She was... She was with your cousin, that girl… who is also named Ranma for some reason!" He tilted his head. It still wasn't sinking in. So she grabbed him by the ears and pulled him closer, and a little off the ground, so she could emphasise the point. "There was tongue and everything! It was like they'd just got married! Two girls! Smooching! I saw Akane's hand on her boob, while your cousin was all over her thighs!" Well, actually, that was a bit of embellishment, but she did rather feel the need to drive the point home.
“Yeah she does like…” Ranma shut his mouth. “So you saw that!?” He said, sounding actually worried now. “She put her hands where!?”

"I'm sorry, I am sure this seems like quite a shock to you, but it wouldn't be right if I didn't tell you."

Now, do recall that Shinobu doesn't know Ranma especially well. Which makes sense. They had literally first met hours ago, and Ranma is a private person in general. The Jusenkyo curse is usually about the fourth or fifth fact people determine about him, beyond aspects of his appearance. His name, the fact he's a martial artist, that he's a bit boastful, that he's very obviously in love with Akane Tendo, and then the curse. Usually in something approximating that order. But here's the sixth or seventh thing people usually figure out about Ranma Saotome.

He's a troll. He's such a troll. Not as bad as Nabiki or Ryoko, heaven forbid. But if they're the premier league, he's first division. So Ranma came to the conclusion that Shinobu had seen Akane kissing him on the beach. A precious memory to be sure, but Ranma came from a family where something like “A Father’s love for his Son” can and was weaponized.

As such, Ranma’s expression began grim. “You shouldn’t have seen that.” He said in a serious, dark tone. "You can't tell anyone about it, got it?"

"Eh?" Shinobu squeaked. Suddenly, and without knowing why, feeling quite afraid.

However, Ranma wasn't the sort to threaten a non-martial artist. Hell, he wouldn't even normally threaten a martial artist unless he was really pushed to it. Instead he went for the psychological attack.

"You see... It's a trait of the Oni," Ranma said. "An Oni in love emits lesbatron pheromones, that are especially effective against human girls."

“W-what?”

“I mean, hey, have you met any other of Lum’s friends?” Ranma said, he pulled out a photo of Benten, taken after they had beans thrown at them. “This girl used to wear nice dresses but then she met Lum. Now she’s a delinquent who gets into fights and she helped ruin Setsubun due to becoming a butch lesbian.”

"What?" Shinobu squeaked.

“From what Akane tells me it’s part of their reproduction process. They need a male and a second female to have children. The second girl is the one who carries the baby.”

Shinobu's eyes were bulging out the side of her head at this point. "You - You mean, your cousin Ranma is -" her hands clasped to her cheeks. "Ohhh, my goodness!"

"Yeah, it shocked me when I found out." Ranma adopted a cool pose for effect. "Though I have to wonder who Lum is gonna pick? I mean, from the way she's talking, it sounds like she's planning on getting hitched with Ataru sooner rather than later. Say. You wouldn't happen to know any girls who happen to spend <i>a lot</i> of time around Lum, get flustered by her presence and have a generally strong emotional reaction to her. Would you?"

C-Could she imagine someone that fit that description? Could she?!

"I have somewhere else to be, pardon me for intruding into your affairs!" Shinobu bowed in apology and then got the fudge out of dodge. She actually kicked up a dust trail on the way.

What Ranma said, it wasn't possible. Was it? Well, who knows. Lum can fly. Lum can shoot lightning. Lum also has those cute little horns - no! Nothing about her was cute! Sh-She was quite certain that it was all made up and -

"Hey Shinobu!" Lum said, waving over at her. "I've been looking for Darling, but you'll do!"

"I'll do?" Shinobu asked, trembling in places she didn't know she could tremble.

"Yes, could you please rub some suntan lotion on my back?" Lum asked.

Shinobu screamed and ran as far as her legs could carry her.

“Eh?” Lum said, “What’s up with her…” She turned around to see another person she knows. “Ah! Ranma!” She flew over to him, “Could you rub some suntan lotion on my back?” She held up a bottle, “It’s special Ultra UV Blocking! Please! I’ve got to get a proper tan for Darling.”

Ranma looked down at the bottle, for some reason he had a bad feeling about this. But Lum was giving him this very desperate little puppy dog look. “Uh, sure?”

<hr>

“Ranma! Where the hell are your hands!?”

“Lum asked me to do this!”

<b>”Lum!”</b>

“Crazy alien mating rituals…” Shinobu said quietly, watching from a distance. Her eyes drifted down towards Lum's waist, and - "I need a man!" Her eyes lingered a little longer than she intended. "I really need a man."

"Hey babe!"

"Another man!" Shinobu wailed, kicking Ataru into the ocean without looking at him.


  1. Mendo catches wind of this part of “Oni mating”, and tries to take advantage of it.
  2. Lum has the bright idea of disguising herself as a human girl to seduce Ataru.
  3. Shinobu seeks more romance advice from Sakura.
  4. Ataru finds Sakura. Pesters her. In the process makes things worse for everyone.
  5. Something else

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