Sunday, 10 November 2019

Story: One Foxy Dame


Honestly now. The fact that the mundanes had to put up with organised law enforcement procedures was extremely telling about their lack of... everything. This Diplomatic Immunity concept, for example. While she found it a useful tool to keep things in order, it was so thoroughly exemplary of the limitations of mankind in its current form.

Speaking of limitations of mankind, here comes a stellar living and breathing example now. Wearing, as usual, an ugly green suit and an unflattering fedora. It was Lady Valentine’s least favorite law enforcement goon.  Mostly because she kept having to deal with him. Like a bad odor, he lingered around. No doubt one of those mundanes who had an obsession with things greater than himself.

"Lady Valentine, always a pleasure ma’am!" he lied unconvincingly. Tipping his hat ever so slightly to meet the bare minimum of politeness. "How can I help you today? You're not lost are you?"

"Not at all, Constable," she said with her sweetest, most snakelike smile. She knew that nickname riled him up. "I heard you had some... difficulty with some <i>dastardly</i> fiends who saw fit to distill an assortment of fruits and vegetables for the purposes of imbibing."

She knew full well that he was not in pursuit of culprits of that silly little prohibition rule they had set up for whatever reason. However, needling him was far too... appropriate. All the better to remind him of his place. His next question, of course, would have to be...

"While I do so <i>thoroughly</i> enjoy your company, I am a busy man. Is there a reason you are here?"

"Quite simple, Constable. My wards have detected a wicked, evil magic spell being cast upon this premises."

Oh, what a delicious flat expression that was. It's not that he doesn't believe in magic, of course. It's more like, he can't believe she's so blatant and up front about it. Honestly now why must she play by those rules?

"As officers of the law, it is your duty to ensure that such evil is rightfully punished!" Lady Valentine commanded. "I must insist upon it. Your men simply must bring in that vile woman. Bring her to me in chains. Made of a mixture of silver and iron.

“Do you really think we’ve got the budget for silver chains?”

"If you truly cared about the eternal struggle between good and evil, you would make room in this... budget for a trifle like silver chains. Now, come along and help me track down that evil, wicked woman and her fox familiar before she does yet more untold damage with her careless disregard for common decency."

Common decency being 'burning in Lady Valentine's purifying fire like the stain on existence that she was'.

"Listen, Lady Valentine. You're a foreign national. You've got diplomatic immunity and all that jazz so I can’t throw you in the slammer for interfering with official Department of Extranormal work. But you ain't got authority over our investigations either. Would you kindly stay out of our affairs unless you got some kinda lead we can follow? It would be appreciated if you could."

Honestly now. This foolish mundane had the pretension to think he could tell her what to do? Why, if she were as evil as that woman or her pet fox, she would have transformed him into some kind of lower beast right there and then. It was a fortunate thing indeed for the man that she was on the side of good and justice, or she might well have done exactly that.

"Perhaps my expertise could offer some insight," she suggested. As though stating something obvious to a ch- no, not even a child. A pet chimp. "By now, you are surely aware of my experience with the occult."

"Yes. Yes, I am fully aware of your history with the occult," Frank said. Why, the cheek. He yawned in the middle of saying that. "I have heard, from your lips no less, the full details of your experiences in combating rogue paranatural elements. The Jiangshi infested town in Sichuan. The incident with the Fairy Court over in Paris, and who can forget that time you discovered that the Postal Service employs vampires.”

"You almost make it sound as though I am boastful of these worldly experiences," Lady Valentine sharply observed. Her eyes narrowed on him. "I find it comes as a surprise to some Americans that the whole world is not like them. Nor does it revolve around your supposed land of the free."

"Don't knock our freedoms, they let our nation flourish."

"Oh yes. We should discuss them at length another time. Perhaps over a glass of brandy - Oh, I beg your pardon. In that case, we should turn our attention to the matter of those of African descent - Ah! Do pardon my words, they are after all those of an <i>ignorant foreigner</i> who knows little of local politics, do forgive my carelessness."

“Of course, of course, I’ll bow to the wisdom of the lady from the country who kickstarted opium wars, grand old time.”

OK, this was getting into the realm of posturing, which Lady Valentine didn’t like when it was done back at her. Time to cut back to business.

"The spell that I sensed cast within that building will cause its victim quite a bit of... discomfort, embarrassment, and potentially death if they are not found, quickly. I must insist upon examining the scene, for their sake if not other potential future victims."

"Oh well! If you do insist on entering a crime scene being monitored and examined by experts from the FBI, please let me call you a cab and bid you good day."

Obstinate fool! He underestimated the forces he was playing with! So be it. She turned up her nose and left with her dignity intact. But only until she was out of sight. At which time, she stepped into an alley and...

Do you know that in a typical city you are almost never more than five feet from a rat at any given time? The things are worse than mundanes. There's a reason the cliche is "breed like rats". The little pests are hardy enough to survive until adulthood, and from there they procreate like... well, there's not really anything better at it than rats.

The point is that they are everywhere, and most of the time they go unnoticed by humans because rats that get noticed by humans tend not to live much longer. The principles of evolution therefore state that rats which survive tend to be those that are not seen by humans, which results in most surviving rats developing traits that let them stay out of sight.

Though rat evolution couldn’t take into account the ability to magically detect then, which incidentally is why cats are the biggest rat predator. This meant that when she closed her eyes and opened up her Third one, she immediately detected quite a few of them. More than usual in this run down part of the city. Disgusting. Yet inevitable. If this city were run by superior beings such as herself rather than mundanes...

"I impose my will upon this rat," she said. And so it was. Her will was in this filthy animal. She could scurry about unnoticed in the darkness, making use of her senses to search and forage. Now, this tiny creature was not designed to hold a mind so complicated as hers. Even with the use of magic she could only hold it for so long before the pitiful creature keeled over and forced her to leave when its life expired. Still. That would be more than enough.

"Did the bitch give ya much trouble there boss?" a lackey asked Frank as he re-entered the room.

"Does the sky change colour as the day goes by?" Frank asked. "Yeah, the bitch gave me a hard time. Struts around like she owns the land she walks on. I swear we would have caught that actual bitch already if she didn’t keep trying to catch her to mount on her wall or something."

If a rat could roll its eyes then Lady Valentine would. That false politeness before had been so transparent. She'd almost prefer this naked honesty. Now, this spell...

"We’ve got a trace on the spell. Whoever it was got turned into a dog.” One of the goons said. Oh, how convenient.

Frank laughed, “Really? They had to do that on purpose. Well, at least it makes it easier to cover up. Who is gonna miss one more stray dog running around?”

How atypically callous. Not that Lady Valentine especially cared that much for the victim herself, but she had expected they would at least wish to turn the victim of this spell back to normal so they could interrogate him. It was, after all, her own intention to do the very same.

Which meant their goals were likely not what they might appear to be. Interesting. She'd assumed he was being obstinate because he was a mundane, but perhaps he had ideas above his station? Or perhaps she should phrase that as above the ideas she thought he had, which were already above his station as it was.

In any event. It was time for her own analysis of the spell. She was certain she could uncover more facts than they with a scant glance as compared to their hours of painstaking study...

"Oh yeah, do you mind finishing the wards?" Frank said. Lady Valentine looked back. Wards, he said? "We gotta have a mind to keep out unwanted snoops."

Was he... looking directly at her? Impossible. A mundane should only see a rat. Unless he had some hitherto undetected artifact that allowed him to -

Suddenly she was back in her own body, with a headache and a craving for nuts.

"How... frustrating," she huffed and sniffed. "That should only happen if I had possessed a squirrel." She peered around the corner, then slapped her goons in the chest. "Come along, don't dally. We have other leads to pursue."

While Frank Turtle was starting to intrigue her, that woman would not escape her attention. There was a saying in Japan. When you chase two rabbits, you lose them both.


  1. Aoi formulates a plan while her new pet listens intensely. Also, the dog is there.
  2. Romeo tries to rationalise what has happened so he can pretend magic isn't a real thing he has to worry about now.
  3. Aoi’s mobster boss calls, which leads to complications when Aoi and Romeo have to hide  that the city’s most infamous information broker is currently a dog.
  4. Something Else

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