Story: Quadranma

It's a rather odd quirk of fate. Any other boy that attended Furinkan, upon losing their virginity to Akane Tendo, would have been cartwheeling down the street with joy. Had any of those boys walked home hand in hand with her they might have died from smiling too much. Not Ranma Saotome. Instead, Ranma was staring at his hand as if a toothy mouth had appeared in the middle of his palm and started telling him the secrets of the universe.


Whatever he had been thinking about was rather suddenly interrupted by the peaceful face of Kasumi Tendo leaning into his field of vision. "Don't worry." she said with a serene smile. "I won't tell Father that you and Akane are getting along better. I think it would be much healthier for the two of you to work this out yourselves without having to worry about that arranged marriage."


On hearing that, Ranma turned as red as his shirt. Married. To Akane. The girl he'd lost his virginity to earlier today while the two of them were - Gulp! Now he was being hit by two competing sets of emotions. Guilt for what happened, for one thing, and since that other feeling wasn't one he could readily identify Ranma decided to just let his mouth run on automatic.


"No way," Ranma lied, crossing his arms defiantly. "I'm not getting on better with that uncute tomboy at all!"


"Oh?" Kasumi asked. "But you looked so cute together holding hands like that."


"Th-that was... That was to throw off this boy that's annoying her at school," Ranma continued lying. He honestly hadn't noticed until Kasumi pointed it out. Just like before. It must be because the others were fooling around, maybe Akihito and Shampoo were walking down the street holding hands and they subconsciously started... Guh! Why did it have to be her?


"That's a real shame," Kasumi continued, utterly oblivious to the internal conflict broiling inside of the young man in front of her. "I feel as though Akane has had a rather rotten time with boys of late." Ranma reeled as though struck by a jab to the solar plexus. "Establishing a healthy relationship with such a nice," Haymaker. "Polite," Jab. "Friendly boy like you will do wonders for her." Uppercut, chop to the throat, stomp on the foot. "I do worry she'll develop a complex sometimes, and won't ever have a healthy relationship." Knockout blow!


Ranma staggered past her, in through the front gate.


"Are you alright?" Kasumi asked. He brushed her off with a slight nod. What was he thinking about? So selfish of him to be worried about something like this. Being trapped into a relationship with Akane... Would it really be so terrible? Comparatively she had things much worse. Now she wouldn't be able to get married to anyone but him. Put like that she must be going through hell right now, and her sharp tongue just now was her lashing out at him. The cause of it all. Here he was feeling bad for his own future, without really thinking about her needs, her wants or her future.


Were there a rock nearby Ranma would have crawled under it gladly. Except no, no. That would be giving up. Alright. Alright then! Sure, he had absolutely no plans to settle down or anything like that, but... But under the circumstances the right thing for a man to do was at least to make the attempt. Sure, the responsibility was scarier than any enemy he had ever encountered before, but... But Ranma Saotome did not lose! He might not have the faintest clue how to be a good fiance, but dammit if he wasn't going to try his best! And nothing was going to stop him from -


Ranma leaped up to the ceiling when he saw Akane standing in the doorway to the living room. Beet red. Heart pounding. What was he thinking? Trying to settle down with a girl he barely knew beyond her wicked temper and... And what she looked like naked, what it felt like to have sex with her. Okay. Okay. So he knew her pretty well then. That didn't make this any easier, but then again he would have to deal with Akane sooner or later.


That said, Ranma was voting later. Because later wasn't right now! Time to crawl up to the guest room along the ceiling and meditate on things a little -


"Ah, Ranma! Stop playing on the ceiling!" Kasumi admonished. "I just finished cleaning up there earlier. Come along, we have guests."


The noise he made in response was a strangled whimper of frustration. It was impossible for Ranma to stay on that ceiling any longer than he was already, and so he dropped. Stood there meekly, kicked an invisible rock with his hands clasped behind his back and eyes cast firmly to the ground instead of the back of the girl he'd... He'd probably have to marry someday soon.


"Listen, Akane. I've been thinking. I'm..." His eyes flicked upwards, and then Ranma paused for a moment. "I'm sorry, what?"


He hadn't thought his life lately could get any more absurd than this, but there you have it. He joined Akane at staring with slack jaw at the visitors they had in that room. Isamu sitting in the middle of them. There were three girls. One wearing an oversized flowery dress and an apron, long hair flowing freely down her back and hugging Isamu from behind. Another wearing a snug pair of shorts and a t-shirt with her hair tied up in a bun, writing something furiously on a clipboard while leaning against Isamu's right side. Then there was a girl with a ponytail sitting in Isamu's lap, looking really confused. She was dressed up like a chef, and her clothes seemed to fit her properly.


Although it was really the last one that caught Ranma's attention. This one tickled his memory a bit. A boy from the looks of it. Like the girl sitting in Isamu's lap, his hair was tied up in a ponytail, and he was dressed up in the boy's uniform of some other, non-Furinkan school. There was a giant spatula lying in his lap, and he was leaning back against Isamu's other side, drumming his fingers on his legs.


Giant spatula... Ponytail... While still staring in surprise Ranma tilted his head to and fro, trying to shake loose the marble lost in the maze of his memory. Where had he seen that before? Where had he seen something like...


"Ucchan?" he said. All four of them turned towards him. The boy in particular smirked and nodded. "No way! Ucchan?"


"Ranma Saotome, you son of a bitch!" the boy suddenly declared. Ranma stepped forward, beaming, and shook his hand. "Been too long!" His eyes flickered over towards Akane, and he suddenly used the same hand he'd shaken Ranma's hand with, and took it to kiss the back of Akane's. "Pleasure to meet you. Charmed."


For reasons that he would have to emotionally explore later on, Ranma smiled earnestly down at his long-lost best friend, then stepped in between him and his fiancee. "Ucchan," he said. "This is Akane. My fiancee."


"F-fiancee?" the girl in Isamu's lap, (probably Ukyo's sister?) gasped. Well, not gasped so much. More like a strangled choking noise. "Don't tell me! That idiot father of yours arranged another marriage, didn't he?"


"That does rather fit with Genma's personality..." mused the one with the clipboard.


"Isamu, dearest, your daddy is such a meanie!" sniffed the dress-wearing girl, clutching onto Isamu's neck all the more intensely. "Tricking another girl and her family like that. So horrid!"


Huh, how about that. Ranma thought he'd been confused before, but... Wait a minute. Four of them? And they all looked about the same age. Ucchan definitely didn't have any siblings, but then again neither had Ranma!


"Who... Are you girls, exactly?" Ranma asked, fearful of the answer. It couldn't be. No way! Ucchan as well?


"Jackass!" the boy and the girl in Isamu's lap yelled at once. Miss clipboard rolled her eyes, the dress wearer nuzzled her cheek against Isamu, who couldn't look more uncomfortable if he was sitting on a spike. "This is your fault in the first place!" the girl in Isamu's lap continued.


"Really now, Ukyo," sighed Miss clipboard. "There's no reason to be so upset. Look at his reaction. It appears Ranma thought we were a boy rather than a girl."


Beside him, Akane twitched nervously. As for Ranma himself, he was simply baffled, and looked to Isamu for an explanation. His curse-made brother stared back and mouthed "Help me!" quite insistently.


"... Yeah, I figured that out already!" the girl in Isamu's lap huffed. "So when you picked the name 'Atsuko', you were being sarcastic, right? Warm and sincere, my foot!"


Miss Clipboard, or should that be Atsuko shrugged. "I'm only in this little harem because it seems to be financially viable." She snuggled back against Isamu. "Not to mention that he's rather a wonderful lover when you can lure him into bed."


Akane made a choking noise, prompting Ranma to realise the two of them were holding hands again. He pulled his own out before Akane seemed to notice. "So you guys fell into the Spring of Drowned Quadruplets too?" Ranma asked the boy, ignoring Atsuko's earlier remark about Ukyo being a girl.


"Not exactly," the boy said. "Ukyo over there got lucky with Isamu, and suddenly there's four of us."


Huh. Ukyo over there. Hehe... Nah, that was obviously not what he meant at all. Ukyo was a boy! His old buddy Ukyo was definitely a boy. Ranma was certain of it. He was just misunderstanding what Ukyo, the boy in front of him, had just said. Because that simply didn't make sense on top of everything -


"Hi, I'm Naomi Kuonji," the boy said. "Pleased to meetcha! Uh... I'm actually a chick too, just so you know."


<i>Huh!</i> How about that?


"Over here!" the girl in Isamu's lap called, waving her hand. "I'm Ukyo. The real deal. You total jackass <i>dipshit!</i> And Miss Hugs-A-Lot over at the back is Yoshiko. Apparently!"


"Yep, yep, yeppers!" Yoshiko said. "And all four of us are sharing this lovely boy here! Aren't we? Yes, we are, we're your harem!"


Once again: Huh! And here Ranma was thinking that things couldn't get any worse. Also he was holding Akane's hand again. Why, oh why, couldn't his life be simple just for a day?

1. Suddenly, Akane bursts open with rather pointed questions about what the hell is going on!
2. Akane speaks her mind... But instead becomes extremely close friends with Ukyo.
3. Akihito and Shampoo return home and have to deal with the madness too.
4. What about Ranko and Nabiki?
5. Akane throws up her hands and figures this is all a bad dream. Drags Ranma off to her room so she can at least enjoy it some.
6. Something else