Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Story: Horniness of Haruhi


One dreary, drizzly afternoon I slumped off towards the SOS - Forgive me, the literature club room with slackened shoulders and the weight of dread upon my miserable back. Normally Haruhi grabs me by the collar and drags me off to the clubroom for whatever zany scheme she has planned this time. Perhaps a stakeout in a cornfield to search for aliens, or an examination of where the myth that tinsel blocks telepathy came from. One can never tell with an unknowing god desperately seeking her way out of boredom


Although all truth told, that was not the only reason I was anxious. Those dreams. Last night's had been especially intense and I had wound up with precious little sleep. Giant monsters were attacking Japan, then Haruhi somehow got exposed to an experimental growth hormone that made her become as tall as Tokyo Tower, which of course inevitably led to her carrying me in her cleavage as she lectured the monster to death about how utterly ridiculous its abilities were from an evolutionary standpoint, while also ignoring the fact that a human of her size would have cooked their internal organs from heat generation and collapsed under their own weight.


Not that these thoughts came to me at the time, because as impossible as those tits might be...


"Hello," I sighed while stepping inside the room. I looked around. Yuki was sitting in the corner reading a book, as always. That smiling creep Koizumi was sitting at the table with some new board game in front of him. I looked around again. "Where are Haruhi and Miss Asahina?"


Koizumi shrugged, but his people almost certainly knew the answer to both of those questions. It was impossible to imagine an organisation like his didn't have a good idea of where she was at all times. It might even be part and parcel of their bizarre esper powers.


"I'm sure they shall be by soon," Koizumi said. He gestured to the chair opposite. "A seat, if you please."


In the corner, Yuki turned a page in her book. She didn't blink. Didn't seem to be breathing. I slumped into the chair and let my chin rest on my palm. A yawn hit me out of nowhere, completely blindsiding me in the process.


"My word," Koizumi chuckled. "Are we sleeping well at night?"


I grunted, and yawned again. This was a topic I did not wish to discuss with Koizumi. I would say he's the last person I would want to talk with about this matter, but on thinking that the faces of our absent club members shot rapid fire through my mind. This didn't make it any likelier that I would say something like this to him, mind.


"What game is that this time?" I asked. The box looked unfamiliar, and had a strange swirly pattern about it. "Dream Logic..." I read from the box.


I immediately stood up, short of breath. Any second now I was expecting it. Haruhi and Miss Asahina to saunter in naked, perhaps covered in slime. Or Miss Asahina crawling on all fours while Haruhi rode in on her back. Or perhaps there would be a swarm of naked girls flying in from the sky on jetpacks, or heaven help me that door would come open and Haruhi would be covered head to toe in tight, shiny black leather, brandishing a whip... I'd back off... And then she'd tie her hair up in a ponytail, leaving me completely defenseless.


Yet nothing happened. Koizumi stared up at me with a quirked eyebrow. Still smiling, damn him. I sat back down and coughed a little into my hand, but also used the chance to reach into my pocket and pinch my leg. The slight pain did seem to indicate this was, indeed, reality.


"Definitely a lack of sleep," Koizumi concluded, nodding sagely. He opened the box and pulled out the board, the pieces and a deck of cards. "Perhaps my selection of this game was not a coincidence."


That had been my thinking as well. It seemed unlikely that there would be any kind of coincidence where Haruhi Suzumiya was concerned. My unusual dreams, Koizumi buying a game to play about dreams? And... Now that I look more closely Yuki was reading a book about dream theory. I rankled and pinched myself again. Still reality. Thank goodness. I put my head in my hands and sighed in relief.


"Don't you ever wonder?" Koizumi asked while shuffling the cards. "What happens when Haruhi Suzumiya has a dream? Does it influence reality in some aspect?" He dealt out five cards from the deck towards me and selected a piece, a blue bed. I chose a red one. "Does reality snap back to normal when she's finished? Or perhaps everything is put on hold until she awakes."


"I think we'd notice if reality shut down while one girl slept," I suggested, looking over my hand. Ah, I see. Instead of dice, this game uses a deck of cards to dictate how pieces move... And the squares have their own rules written on them... Seems rather straightforward.


Except then I also saw that each card also had what appeared to be a rule alteration on them. Interesting. So this might be why the game was called dream logic.


"Would we, though?" Koizumi asked. "How sure are we of our memories? If she is manipulating reality through a dream state, then perhaps she is also altering our minds to remember things that have not truly happened."


"The world was created last Tuesday." I rolled my eyes. "All proof to the contrary, including our memories, was also constructed at that time. Or rather than Tuesday, three years ago?"


"Ah, last-Tuesday-ism," Koizumi chuckled. "Usually used as an argument against young Earth creationism: If God has falsified fossil records and carbon dating to deceive humanity, then the claims that we were created last Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday all hold equal weight. Yet here we are, discussing a godlike being whose whimsy may well have made us all come into existence three years ago."


"Doesn't this make discussion kind of pointless?" I asked. "If she can do that, then there's no way to predict anything at all."


"Of course," Koizumi agreed. "For all we know, Haruhi imagined us a mere moment ago and put our previous memories and experiences in our minds on a whim. We might be a dream she is having, and might even disappear if she ever awakes."


Dreams again. Knowing this sneak, that could hardly be a coincidence... Then again, it also seemed too obvious. A distraction from whatever he's really up to? A double bluff, perhaps? Or maybe he really had been influenced unconsciously by Haruhi, had picked up on the fact and was trying to use him to figure out her mindset.


Or was trying to gauge mine.


Just as we had finished setting up and read through the rules - as in, to the second I had read the very last word - my phone rang. The first few beats of the "Imperial March" played. Haruhi, naturally. The leader demanded an audience. I sighed, shot Koizumi an apologetic look and then answered the phone.


"School roof!" Haruhi said before I could even say hello or anything at all. Then she hung up, apparently content that I would understand her two-word message without any further elaboration.


"Well?" Koizumi asked. "I heard her from here." No wonder. Her voice on the phone qualified as an outside voice without question... Then again, did Haruhi even have an indoor voice to start with? "Shall we go to the school roof?"


"I suppose we had better." I pinched the bridge of my nose in anticipation. "Whatever she has in mind this time, we should face it with both eyes open."


So, to the roof we went without incident. The trip was a little quicker than I was expecting, were I completely honest. Yuki trailed along behind us, still reading her book. No doubt coming along for a better direct look at whatever nonsense Haruhi had in store for us today.


We found her on the roof staring out at the city with her hands on her hips, looking for all the world like a victorious conqueror. I blushed a little. The dreams had been rather explicit regarding the matter of this girl's nude form. The wind whipping around her skirt didn't actually reveal anything untoward, but the threat of it was definitely having more of an effect on me than I liked.


"Fufufufufu!" Haruhi laughed. "It's so obvious, isn't it, Kyon?" She flicked her hair and shrugged her shoulders. "Who is to say that aliens developed a written or spoken language? It's the height of arrogance to assume they evolved along similar lines to us, don't you think?"


"Hrm, yes," Koizumi said, nodding in agreement. "It does seem a trifle unlikely that aliens would comprehend language in the same way that we do. Their senses may not rely on the visible electromagnetic spectrum or sound, but on different kinds of energy input."


"Exactly!" Haruhi said with great enthusiasm. She jumped around and slammed her fist into her open palm. "We can't possibly rely on something as mundane as writing or sending radio signals into space! We need to take more drastic measures and try every conceivable form of communication there is! Otherwise the aliens might scoot on by in their flying saucers and never even notice we're here."


Flying saucers are as much a science fiction stereotype as aliens looking humanoid. That is what I wanted to say, but survival instinct kept my mouth shut. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end. I could feel something coming, but it took me a moment to truly catch on.


"By the way: Where is Miss Asahina?" I asked. Uh oh. I had a very bad feeling about her lack of visibility. The fact that Haruhi had greeted us on the rooftop alone did not portend well.


"Ehhhh... Um! Over here!"


I turned around. Miss Mikuru Asahina was indeed standing there. Waving at me. Her face was uncertain, yet as radiant as always. Framed by that stunning, shimmering hair, one could almost completely ignore the fact that she was dressed up in a harem girl outfit.


Almost.


Alright, that's a lie. I doubt very much that any straight man could focus on Miss Asahina's adorable face or even pretend at eye contact when that body was placed in an outfit so thoroughly daring. The translucent material made it seem as though you were getting a sneak peek at something forbidden; if that body were hidden within the deepest most secure and cursed vault, any treasure hunter worth their salt would find it worthwhile reaching such treasure.


"Introducing our alien beacon!" Haruhi proudly announced, right at the same moment Yuki peeked around me to take a look. "Ta-da! We shall lure the aliens in with the power of dance! They won't be able to resist a body like that. Look at those boobs, even asexual aliens will come visit to take a peek at these. I'm honestly a little jealous that she's so completely stacked!"


"Really now," I protested. Normally this is where the bridge of my nose would be getting pinched, but that would mean obstructing the view to the vision of loveliness in front of me. "Isn't this just an excuse to get her to dress up for your amusement?"


"W-well, actually... I don't mind this time!" Asahina said. "I'll dance! It sounds like a lot of fun!"


Really? Was she simply saying that to appease Haruhi? Or had Haruhi done something to her to make her obedient? On the other hand, did it really matter? Questions like that vanished from my mind when she started to shimmy those hips to and fro while going "ta ta ta, dadadada tum tum...". Hardly the most erotic dance ever performed, but it would be rather a challenge for her to do anything that didn't melt my brain.


"Mmm, yeah..." Haruhi nodded next to me. "She's a real cutie. I don't know whether to be jealous of that body or lick it." She elbowed me. "Hey, Kyon! Doncha want to stick your tongue in that navel? If you don't I might."


"I think she might object to that," I observed, though I certainly wouldn't. Huh. For some reason it felt like I was forgetting something. Something important. Right on the tip of my -


And then the spaceship landed. An actual honest-to-goodness flying saucer just... Lands on the roof. Not very big. I stared at it. Then turned with the intention of staring at Haruhi when she suddenly glomped me quite firmly and screaming, "Yes! I knew it! Hahaha!" while sneaking little kisses to my cheek, neck and mouth.


"Well, well!" Koizumi muttered, rubbing the top of his head in amused bafflement. "Whoever could have guessed something like that might work."


The flying saucer opened up, and out marched... A neverending line of dancing Miss Asahina. All with different colour skin. Blue, green, red, yellow, orange, black, white grey and different shades of everything in between. They surrounded me, dancing and singing in that strange goofy way.


"I think they like you!" Haruhi clapped. "Awesome! You lucky boy, you, getting a sexy alien harem is the dream of all warm-blooded men!"


Off among the wave of dancing Mikurus, Yuki tilted her head but kept her expression neutral. Then, she opened her mouth and said -


"You are dreaming. Wake up."


I shot awake. I was sitting in the clubroom. Koizumi was shuffling the cards in front of me for that game. I blinked. Pinched myself again. I must have fallen asleep. More tired than I realised. I turned towards Yuki, deliberately ignoring the smirking esper.


"Is this real?" I asked. Yuki looked up at me over her book and nodded. "You woke me up from that dream, right?" She nods again. "Thank goodness... So Haruhi hasn't come up with a harebrained scheme to summon aliens by having Miss Asahina dance. Right?"


This time she didn't nod or shake her head. She returned to the book and quietly said, "That is... Not correct."


And then my phone rang. It was the "Imperial March." I had a funny feeling I'd rather be dreaming.



  1. Switch to Haruhi's point of view for a change.
  2. Up to the roof, where Haruhi and Mikuru are dressed in harem girl outfits!
  3. It's still a dream, and something absurdly erotic happens as soon as Kyon opens the door.
  4. Yuki explains to Kyon what is really going on.
  5. Something else

1 comment:

  1. Oh my, I am not sure whether to call this sexy or hilarious... probably both. It is really quite sad that Haruhi gets so little activity these days, she is such a easy plot device for silly stuff like that. You don't even need to invent any weird magical stuff, just have her get an idea and poof, instant shenanigans.

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