Story: Normality of Kyon

To be blunt, I was horny. Very, very horny. I would not say something so ridiculous as "my erection could pierce steel", especially since there was a risk that Haruhi may somehow discover that metaphor and either bend reality to make it literal, or more likely force me to demonstrate. And fail when her common sense tells her that's not how things work in reality.

There were three girls walking in front of me down the street. And I had seen everything. Every single inch had been exposed to my virgin eyes. Asahina's divine chest. Haruhi's appealing waistline. Yuki's adorable derriere. Enticing female flesh, bare before my unworthy eyes. Forgive me, girls. Although you are all dressed in fashionable attire, my eyes could not perceive them. Only what lay beneath.

Alright, let's try backing up a little bit. I tried. I really did honestly try not to look. I really and truly did try. But they were getting undressed right in front of me while fully aware that I was actually there. They didn't care or take any special notice of me, and my own curiosity compelled me to take a peek when I heard Haruhi complimenting and rubbing Miss Asahina's breasts.

Where she found the baby oil, I will never be able to say. It wasn't there a minute ago. Maybe she willed it into existence for the sake of titillation? In which case, my libido salutes you, Haruhi Suzumiya.

Then they finished dressing. I was, of course, fully erect at this point. Then Haruhi grabs my hand and pulls me out before I could excuse myself to visit the bathroom and try to get rid of my little problem... It would be quite embarrassing to be out in public with an obviously visible pitched tent. Or it would be. If anyone seemed to give a hoot. They did not. With great and tremendous reluctance, I stopped trying to hide it. Nobody gave me a second look, or even cast the slightest glance down at my junk.

"Alright, everyone," Haruhi said. "We're almost at the arcade now. Look natural!"

I tore my eyes away from the feminine figures walking in front of me to look at the building we were approaching. I needed to talk to someone about this. Immediately. "Maybe it would look more natural if we split up?"

"No," Haruhi replied without a trace of her usual sarcasm. "Then they'd pick us off one by one. It would be better if we stuck together."

I tsked. That's the thing with Haruhi. You had to be persistent to get what you wanted. So I tried again.

"But if we're trying to stay low key," I said again. "Wouldn't it be normal for us to split up? A big group heading in is bound to attract attention, so -"

You know, it was kind of funny. The wind picked up at that moment in time. No, it didn't flip their skirts or anything perverted like that. It just caught my attention, made me look up. That's why I walked right into the back of Haruhi, who had suddenly stopped in place.

"You're right," she said, utterly oblivious to the erect penis poking her in the butt. "If we all go in at once, it would be like putting up a great big advertisement, telling them that the SOS has come to stop their evil mysterious deeds! It would be much better if we were like more ordinary customers! Yuki! Mikuru! Meet up with Koizumi and investigate the place while pretending to be hanging out! Kyon and I will pretend we're on a date while doing our own investigation!"

"Eh?" Asahina adorably gasped. "W-Well, that seems like a good plan... I suppose?" For her part Yuki merely nodded, and Haruhi grasped firmly onto my arm in her very finest imitation of "girl taking her man on a date."

The exact outcome I had not intended. Damn and blast, and other assorted outraged expressions! I had thought she might split us more along gender lines, or maybe given me the opportunity to talk with one of the others... But a date with her meant that I would find no chance to go anywhere near the others without 'blowing our cover', so to speak.

So to recap: I was more deeply aroused than I could ever recall being. Nobody cared that I was more obviously erect than a neon flagpole. People were behaving very strangely around me. Haruhi was taking me on a fake date to investigate something that didn't even compare on the "mysterious" scale to whatever was going on with me today. And I would not be getting the chance to talk to the people that would normally help me through this kind of problem for probably a couple of hours.

Into the arcade we went, arm in arm. Her head leaning on my shoulder, yet her grip tight enough to act as a warning not to screw this up. Actually... Come to think of it, if I approach this carefully then perhaps I could use Haruhi to figure out what was happening without her catching on? I would have to be careful. She's crazy, but also crazy smart.

As for the arcade itself: It was as loud as you would expect, with people crowded around the various machines. All sorts were here. Dancing games over there in that wide open space, driving games over in the other corner, a couple of shooting games clustered together with beat-em-ups, and a counter for those who wished to replenish their energy before playing some more. There was nothing abnormal about this arcade at all, except perhaps for the fact that every machine appeared to be working fine.

Our destination was that counter, naturally enough. Behind us Yuki and Mikuru wandered inside, went over to the dance machine, and at that moment there was nothing I wouldn't give to be able to watch the show. Alas, a row of machines interfered in my viewpoint as we reached the counter, and that must regrettably remain within the realm of my imagination.

"Get me a drink," she said, nodding at the bar. "That's the boyfriend's duty, 'dear'."

I let out a deep sigh. She took absolutely no notice of it and flopped down into a seat, making a rather obvious narrow-eyed pass over the arcade, its customers, its machines and only she could say what else. It would have been less obvious if she'd pulled out a magnifying glass the size of her own head and peered through that. My imagination shifts to a thought of her doing exactly that while wearing a ponytail, and my hips reflexively hit the underside of the counter. Luckily I didn't hurt myself doing so, but still nobody paid me any attention.

At least going to get her a drink would give me a moment away from her, and hopefully an opportunity to let my boner go down. At this rate I was contemplating asking for a glass of ice to stick it into just to soften it up.

"Can I get you anything?" the man at the counter pleasantly asked.

"A pair of lemonades," I answered. Then glanced back at Haruhi, who was giving the stinkeye to an actual couple walking out. "And maybe make her behaviour more normal, if you can work miracles."

"Sorry," the server said. "Maybe if I find an esper, time traveller, alien or slider I could help you out. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

I scowled at him for a moment, then took my drink. Weird. Another nut like Haruhi? What were the odds? I set the drink on the table. Without looking, she grabbed the straw between her lips and sucked in a big mouthful before I even sat down.

"You know," I sighed. "You're attracting all kinds of attention just now. We're supposed to be on a date, right? If you look like you're looking for something, you'll be noticed."

Not that I much cared. But to hell with it. I could hardly stand the inquisitive stares she was earning with her own inquisitive stares. Come to it, everyone was kind of giving her the same kind of stinkeye she was giving them. Weird.

"What do you suggest, then?" she asked. "I know, I know, haven't you been on a lot of dates? By which you must mean boring, dull, and more boring. I'm not sure I could fake having a good time if I tried."

Now it was my turn to scan the room. Aha! Over there in the corner of the drinking area was another couple. They kind of looked nice together. So I pointed at them, turned back to Haruhi and said "There. It's more normal to act like that on a date."

Which is when I turned back and found myself looking at the girl shifting to sit on her boyfriend's lap and then stick her tongue down his throat. Then I felt my collar being grabbed by a hand that could only belong to Haruhi, and - Well, suffice it to say, my erection wasn't going anywhere for quite some time. Because remember. When Haruhi Suzumiya puts herself into any given task, she can become a natural in no time at all.

Or to put it another way: If she ever did decide to set up a religion centred around herself, she wouldn't have to change reality to get it done. Spend five minute with her tongue down the prospective convert's throat and they'd worship her for life. You might call it dumb luck, then, that she spent a mere four minutes smooching the soul out of my body. You might call it that. I'd call it the sweetest torture imaginable.

1. Kyon somehow finally works out the specifics of the earrings.
2. The date with Haruhi transforms into a real date.
3. Meanwhile! Mikuru and Yuki suddenly start behaving just like Haruhi.
4. Something else