Saturday, 6 September 2014

Story: NGE Drive

A week late, but here it is.


Did you hear what happened when three horny mech-pilots were sent out to fight a giant monster that was too preoccupied humping a skyscraper to pay them much mind? If anyone knows what the punchline is for that joke, feel free to share. For now, the facts. The three of them arrived at different points in the city to form a triangle around the Angel, each facing inwards towards it. Alright. They were in position. Now they had to initiate their attack before the Angel did anything except… Hump the building.

Ugh, this was going to be one of those days. Misato wasn’t honestly sure what kind of day she was meaning, exactly, but it was definitely causing her a bit of a headache already.

“Oooh, so that’s how it is?” Asuku groused. “Verdammter Engel! Cockblock me by getting yourself off?! That level of spiteful arrogance will cost you dearly at the hands of the great Asuka Langley Soryu!”

“Pilot Ikari, I have a question,” Rei said in her usual emotionless tone. “Is it normal for the observation of irony within pilot Soryu’s statement to initiate pleasant stimulation within my -”

“Please, don’t finish that question,” Shinji begged. He was still squirming in his seat on an impossible mission to make himself comfortable. Oh, that poor boy, that could not possibly be comfortable. “I’m in enough pain as it is!”

“Alright, the three of you!” Misato barked over the comms. She roughly yanked a hand away from her chest and slapped the back of her wrist as though she were a naughty school girl. A naughty, sexy school girl that had been <i>so bad</i> that she needed to be punished. Dammit! What the hell was wrong with her? With everyone, for that matter? Even the pilots were being influenced. “I need you all to focus. It’s my theory that the Angel is messing with our heads somehow, and we need to do something about it before the only plan we can think of involves a neverending orgy.”

“Less talk, more me being awesome!” Asuka yelled, and Unit 02 rushed forward like a red streak across the pavement. “Bereit dich auf was vor, du Schweinehund!” she cried.

“Asuka, wait! We need more information about what the Angel can -”

It was already too late. She was already willing Unit 02 to leap upon the humping Angel’s back - and that would never stop being a weird thing to think - with progressive knife ready to stab for the Angel’s face. Which suddenly wasn’t quite there anymore as it somehow slipped behind Unit 02 and started to hump it even more furiously than it had the building.

“Was zum teufel ist das?! Was zur Hölle is das?!”

Right. So, that wasn’t exactly what she had expected to happen. Then again… What <i>had</i> she expected to happen? That headache was getting worse, and her hands were on her chest again. Stop that!

“Ah!” Shinji gasped. “W-We should do something to help Asuka! Hold on, let me try… Um…”

“Shinji’s synch rating is nowhere near its normal rate.”

“Can you blame him? If he’s being affected like the rest of us, that plugsuit must be just a little bit restrictive.”

At the corner of her vision Misato could see Ritsuke pinching the bridge of her nose and gritting her teeth so hard there were a risk she might break her jaw. “I’ll arrange for an altered version should this… crisis persist past the current battle,” she said. Quite clearly not believing what she was saying, and just as obviously not wearing a single thing underneath that labcoat. Man, but those legs looked like they could -

Focus. Focus. Battle now, sex later. Okay? Okay. Shinji and Unit 01 were pretty much as effective as they were during the first couple of minutes of their first sortie together: As in, the giant robot just faceplanted on the ground while its pilot kept getting distracted. Asuka was pinned down in an extremely compromising position, which left Rei -

Right behind the Angel with Unit 00 holding a rifle to the back of the Angel’s head. “No A.T. Field detected,” Rei said. The trigger was pulled, the Angel blew up in a pretty big cross-shaped explosion. All’s well that ends well. “As per our arrangement pilots Ikari and Soryu are now my personal sex toys for the duration of the next seven days.”

You know what? At this point she wasn’t even going to ask. The crisis was dealt with, and her body was fully intending to take her up on that bargain a little bit sooner than expected. Trouble was, everyone around her was starting to look really, really hot. And about as horny as she was. Her clothes felt stifling. Too tight. Too constricting.

“The Angel wasn’t the cause,” she whispered. Then louder, “Ugh! Kaji! Where the hell are you?! I need someone with some real stamina!”

“… Wonderful,” Asuka groaned, unnoticed. “Better not enjoy yourself too much, Wondergirl! This kind of rare chance won’t arise- Hang on. Is it my imagination, or… Is there a girl down there on the ground?”

<hr>
Careful. Careful now. The pen that Ritsuko was chewing on might well burst and flood her mouth with ink, when the liquid she actually wanted in her mouth was rather more white than black. There wasn’t really any question of it, though no recognisable scientific measurement of horniness existed simply because there isn’t really a way to measure it. Nonetheless. Everyone she’d seen today was growing noticeably hornier by the moment.

This included herself, of course. There was no explanation for it. No rationale. The Angel was the presumed culprit, but it was dead. Right? Unit 00 had shot it right in the head when it had no A.T. Field up to protect it. The Angel blew up. Just like the others they had fought so far. The crisis should be averted. Everyone should be going back to normal levels of horniness.

Nope. Still getting worse. Not complicated enough yet? Well then. How about the girl that Asuka found lying on the ground? Unconscious. Still masturbating like her life depended on it. She had long, dark, spiky hair that went all the way down her back. The only item of clothing she seemed to be wearing was a long shirt which went down to her knees. It had a Möbius strip logo on her chest. No. Not so much a logo. More like someone had cut out a part of the shirt to form that shape, providing a rather odd window onto her breasts.

Less clinically? The girl was hot. As in, a ten. Easily a ten. Now, Ritsuko didn’t really think that was an entirely accurate way to gauge sexuality, but if it was? Yep. Easily a ten. Curves in all the right places, a pretty face even without makeup. She actually had to stop herself from staring on occasion.

“Pardon me, sempai!” Maya called. Ritsuko turned to look and winced just a little. Oh, yes. This was another side effect of the… Whatever this was. “The tests are back. Normal human girl from head to toe. Estimated twenty years old. Fingerprints match nothing in the database. No unusual energy signatures detected, and… Is something wrong, sempai?”

“Your uniform,” Ritsuko said. “You modified it to show off your breasts.” Your delicious, bouncy breasts. With nipples that were yearning to be licked and sucked. Breasts that were begging to be stared at, squeezed and played with. Breasts that were absolutely not helping her resist this influence so she could get on with her work.

“That’s right,” Maya said, leaning in to give Ritsuko a better angle. This must be affecting her worse than expected! Her assistant leaned back with her arms behind her head. “All the work we can do for now is taken care of. I wonder, however shall we pass the time?”

By maintaining a professional attitude at all times, and at least for the sake of her assistant not doing anything that they’d both regret later on. Though a traitorous part of her mind was calculating whether or not they actually would regret it if they both gave in to this effect, if only for a little while.


  1. Meanwhile, Rei thinks about what to do with Shinji and Asuka.
  2. The Angel-girl wakes up. Has amnesia. Is incredibly horny.
  3. The Angel-girl wakes up. Is incredibly horny, but remembers being an Angel. Maybe by seducing some of these Lilin, it can get some assistance.
  4. Meanwhile, Misato hunts for Kaji.
  5. Maya continues seducing Ritsuko.
  6. Something else

12 comments:

  1. The german from Asuka seems like the Thing from the original, which means butchered one. I am not sure whether that is deliberate or if you just used Google translate.

    They should probably remember about the Core and the fact that they Need to destroy it and not the head to kill the angel. Also, I am all for Nr. 3, because the idea of an horny angel trying to Infiltrate NERV and attempting to get Information from Shinji & Co is amusing.

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  2. Which German lines from Asuka are you saying are wrong and how are they incorrect? Please be specific. I rewrote all but one of her German lines (since I wasn’t sure how to convey the joke of that one properly), so I defnitely want to know if I made a mistake. I’m still not fluent despite working at it for several years, so it’s entirely possible I messed up. In which case, I humbly apologize.

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  3. I used google translate. I don't speak German, and decided to rely on my readers to fix anything that is blatantly wrong. Feel free to make suggestions so I can make it right.

    Anyway, it was kind of my intention that the core be in the head. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

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    1. Guess we were replying at the same time. Again, I’m sorry if I didn’t get something right. I *was* pretty confident, but I guess it might have been overly so.

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  4. Sorry for not answering sooner. I forgot about this post. Hope it is even noticed now.

    "Bereiten Sie sich, Schweinehund" is a literal Translation. It would actually translate to something like "You should prepare, dog-pig" and it also feels weird to me as a native german Speaker.

    Instead, "Bereit dich auf was vor, du Schweinehund." would be what a native Speaker uses.

    "Was zum teufel ist das?! Was die eigentliche Hölle ist das" The first part is good, the second part is not so well. It is unecessarily Long and adds a word (eigentliche) which just doesn't belong there. "Was zur Hölle is das" is more than enough. The german equivalent to actual isn't used in that context. It is a bit like using two yes in a sentence.

    Hope this helps, even if it is late.

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    1. Tremendously helpful, thank you. Modified as per your suggestions.

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    2. I doubt you’ll see this, HC, so I’m likely writing this to no one, but I would really like to ask you a couple of questions about that first line. That one was my doing, so I would really like to understand in more detail where I went wrong. Any help from you would be most appreciated. (Particularly regarding pronoun usage and whether there's a way to preserve the little bit of wordplay I was attempting in that line by having Asuka tell the Angel to ready itself as a meal for her, along with your opinion of precisely how your native phrasing should be translated.)

      As for the second line, that was Lumitiel’s attempt to recreate, both in meaning and rhythm, one of the catchphrases that has appeared in a number of his threads. Your version certainly makes the meaning clear, but I’m afraid it loses the rhythm and thus the humor of the original English line. Lumitiel may not be too concerned by it, but is there a way that some form of his “what the actual hell” reference could be maintained?

      My concern is both for the accuracy of this particular episode (and any future Asuka outbursts Lumitiel may write) and simply for improving my understanding of German. Well, at least I was right about using accusative case. That’s something, I guess.

      Thanks a lot for your feedback. And sorry to both you and Lumitiel for doing a subpar, overly literal job with that line.

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  5. "Bereiten Sie sich, Schweinehund" has some Problems. "Sie" is used as a female pronoun and for plural depending on the sentence. It is also used as a very polite gender-neutral way of speaking. "Sie" is what I called my teachers in school instead of the name; it is what you use for people you don't know, your boss and people you respect. There is no equivalent in English I believe. "She and They" are the other uses, the only correct term would be "Dich" but the sentence would still not be right since it is also lacking a "Vor" just before "Schweinehund" I don't know an equivalent in English, except maybe saying like it is a cut-apart "yourself".

    You can say "Bereiten Sie sich vor" or "Bereit dich vor" and have it functionally mean the same, but it is different because the former sounds like something a stewardess would tell the passengers before take-off.

    "Bereite dich vor, du Schweinehund", would be a short version. "Du" being "You". Instead of the longer "Bereit dich auf was vor, du Schweinehund."

    "auf was" in the sentence is an addition that is not necessary for the sentence to work and only makes it sound better. It basically means "something", so "Prepare yourself for something, pig-dog."

    If you wanted to use something like saying that he/it is food, then I would generally use a something like "Bereit dich darauf vor meine Vorspeise zu werden, du Schweinehund." Which translates to "Prepare yourself to become my appetizer, you pig-dog." I cannot think of any way to make it indirectly work though right now.

    As for the second thing, it is kind of hard, because the equivalent of actual is not used that way.

    "Was zur Hölle ist das?"

    The original use of "die" and "eigentliche" was not right. The second word is normally used with "Das", "Das eigentliche Problem ist....", "The actual problem is...." and it is a relatively rarely used word in casual conversation anyway since there are other words that can take its place, like "Wirklich – Real". Here it is not usable because "eigentliche" and "Wirkliche" are extra words that have no reason to be in the sentence.

    "Die" is a pronoun normally used to speak of how something is or what is happening, though yes, you can turn it around, though quite literally.

    "Die Hölle brennt heiß", The hell burns hot.
    "Brennt die Hölle heiß?", Does the hell burn hot?

    I am not a teacher or anything, but I hope my limited knowledge can help you somewhat.

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    1. Thank you so much for the response. With the first example, I know that Sie is much more formal than du (kind of like the differing degrees of respect implied by Japanese honorifics), but I’ve seen it used ironically before when someone follows it up with an insult. So I thought maybe that would work. Clearly not.

      I had suggested to Lumitiel between when you left your initial comment and when you replied that it might be better to change the verb to vorbereiten, but I had foolishly stuck with Sie for the pronoun.

      And yeah, that totally makes sense as how to phrase it if she were to say explicitly that the Angel was going to be her “meal.” English has the advantage in this case of “prepare” being the exact same word in both contexts. I guess this is an example of puns being really hard to translate. I was overly ambitious and reasonably confident that I had the line figured out, but no! Definitely not.

      As for the other line, I never even tried to revise that one for Lumitiel. I knew there was no chance of my conveying the concept of that line correctly. So your explanations there are especially helpful. For instance, you’ve helped to clarify for me when it would be appropriate to use eigentlich. Would tatsächlich then be the right adjective for someone talking about “actual Hell”?

      Anyway, thank you again for your truly considerate and instructive response. I greatly appreciate it.

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    2. I am certainly happy to be of help whenever it is possible.

      Haven't seen anyone use Sie as an Insult myself, unless maybe they were doing mock politiness maybe. But well, it isn't like I have seen the entire Internet.

      As I already said, it is hard to make this work because there is no reason for any word to be added there. Even in English, there is no actual reason to add "Actual" to "What the Hell" or is there?

      When you ask something in German, one does not normally add "tatsächlich" or something similar as a simple extra, but only puts more Detail into the sentence if it is of use.

      Tatsächlich is a term that is used to mention that something is true, or that this is the truth. Or to put in question whether something is true.

      "Er hat tatsächlich den Ersten Platz erreicht." He has really reached the first place.
      "Ist das tatsächlich möglich?" Is that actually possible?

      It is also used as a single use word for sarcasm and disbelief.

      "Tatsächlich?" Means basically, "Are you serious?" or a skeptical "Yeah sure."

      The concept of "actual Hell" doesn't translate well because in german it would basically mean that you are calling in question the validity of what you are saying. The closest words to actual all have a meaning closer to "true", "real" and such things.

      All languages have sadly things that just don't translate well because certain Terms don't have the same meaning in all ways.

      Sorry that I cannot help you more with that particular Thing.

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    3. PS: Though we probably have many words that appear not important or useless from the outside too, which I don't notice because I have been using them since early childhood^^

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