Story: UY First Impressions

 

The criminal mind rarely evolves.

Not really. It can pretend to, of course—slapping on new technology like sticking go-faster stripes on a bicycle with a bent wheel. But deep down, it's running on the same operating system it always has: Desperation. Enjoyment. Laziness. Usually in that order. Sometimes in a messy clump, like a toddler’s attempt at making a sandwich out of jam, pickles, and old socks.

In this case, it was mostly laziness.

"Oy," said a particularly large man to his companion, who was only marginally smaller but considered himself smarter for once having read the back of a cereal box. "Ain’t that the diplomat’s kid over there? Floatin’ around and bawlin’ into that maid’s... uh... shoulder?"

The smaller man looked over. Squinted. Considered. Sipped from a paper cup full of something carbonated and barely legal in three districts.

“Can’t be,” he said, after rigorous scientific observation that lasted exactly 1.4 seconds. “If that was Aoi Moroboshi, she’d be surrounded by bodyguards with sunglasses and laser batons, or a security mecha the size of a bungalow. Probably both.”

“Unless she got lost.”

That gave the smaller man pause. The kind of pause where you can almost hear the mental gears trying to chew through a logic problem with all the success of a hamster with a brick. He looked again.

There she was. Tiger-striped skirt, floating slightly above the pavement. Horns. Hair that shimmered like it couldn’t decide on just one colour. Definitely sniffling into the chest of a girl dressed in a maid outfit that had far too many frills to be practical and not enough material to be innocent.

“…You know,” he said thoughtfully, “that might actually be Aoi Moroboshi.”

“Yeah?” said the big one.

“Oh yeah,” said the small one, the gears having found something to grind. “No guards. No surveillance. No security field humming in the background. That’s not a setup. That’s a mistake. A once-in-a-lifetime oopsie. We grab her, stash her, and wait for the ransom to come pouring in like misfiled tax refunds.”

“You’re real smart, boss.”

“I know,” the smaller one said, already walking across the street. “It's a burden.”

They approached with the stealth of two men who had never successfully snuck anywhere in their lives. Shinobu looked up, relief blooming on her face like a daisy in a blast zone.

“Oh! Are you here to take us back to the Moroboshi home?” she asked. Behind her, Aoi wiped her nose on the frill of Shinobu’s uniform and hiccuped adorably.

The smaller man blinked in confusion, then put a great big smile on his face. “Er. Yes. Absolutely. Diplomatic retrieval team. Very classified. Very official. Very… urgent.”

Shinobu nodded. “Oh, thank goodness. We've been wandering for ages and everything looks like a low-budget sci-fi movie pretending to be modern. We just need to get back before Ataru starts flirting with the concept of electricity.”

The larger man, whose idea of improv usually involved a mallet, pointed. “Van’s that way. Unmarked. For discretion.”

“Ooooh,” Aoi said. “Do you have cartoons?”

“…Absolutely.”

“And snacks?”

“By the metric ton.”

She gasped. “Wheeeee!” And took off in the direction of the van, trailing sparkles and static.

Shinobu hesitated, but only for a moment. After everything she’d dealt with today—space-time hiccups, hybrid children, and the ongoing, slow-burning disaster that was Ataru Moroboshi—following two suspicious strangers into an unmarked van somehow didn’t even crack the top ten worst ideas she’d gone along with.

“Lead the way,” she said.

And so, off they went. One unwitting hostage. One lightning-powered cuddle bug. Two career idiots. And a very unmarked van. Somewhere, far above and several years out of sync, two very dangerous women were about to realize something had gone terribly wrong with the timeline. And when that happened... well. You’d best hope you weren’t the sort of person who made a living out of lazy kidnapping plots. Or worse—someone who put a child in a bad mood. Because in the far-flung, disco-glimmering future of 1991, wrath didn’t come in the form of thunder. It came with stilettos, static, and a very large mallet.

====

Ah, darn. The girls of this time were just like they were in his own. Ataru sighed as he shambled back down the street. While the local fashion was definitely unique, what lay beneath most certainly didn't! Alas, only aliens seemed to be interested in his charms. Well, them and Shinobu, but she was just barely weird enough that she might not count as human anymore.

Anyway. He really should try to track down his new home with Shinobu. He really wanted to find out who wound up in his harem! Hehehe! Oh, and if he was being honest with himself, he was kind of looking forward to seeing all his kids too! Aoi was adorable and rambunctious, if the others were half as cute as her - 

"Shinobu?" Ataru called out. "Oy, Shinobu! Where did she get to...?"

"Ahem!"

Oh dear. That stern voice. That harsh attitude! Ataru gulped nervously, and turned around to see... Shinobu Moroboshi, mid to late 20s, wearing a smart dress suit with a pencil skirt, dark stockings, and... he couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but something about her really felt like it fit in well in this decade.

"Hello <i>darling</i>," Shinobu sniffed, walking towards him, looking him up and down. "Goodness. This must be from before you started working out. I'll give you some advice: If you want to maintain your harem, start lifting weights."

"But -"

"Trust me," Shinobu interrupted. "Alright, let's see. If I remember correctly, my dumb younger self got herself kidnapped by crooks - and learning that your daughter was kidnapped is probably waking up some deeply rooted paternal instinct right about now, based on what you told me later."

Indeed. It felt like every muscle in Ataru's body had suddenly, violently tensed up. Ataru was not a violent man. He was all about love, not war! But right about now, he was imagining himself inflicting great and tremendous violence upon whoever took his daughter against her will. 

"That way," Shinobu pointed, and he was off like a rocket. "Honestly, that boy. He's got a lot of growing up to do! But this should be the first big step."

=====

Gosh, but this really wasn't what she was expecting at all. It looked a lot less like some grand mansion suitable for a diplomat, and more like an abandoned warehouse.

"Uh, could you wait here a bit?" one of the transport men asked. "There's some whatchacallem... Paparazzi? They're on the street to the Moroboshi place, and we're trying to, you know."

Shinobu stared at him for a long hard moment. The man shuffled on his feet. Breaking eye contact. Eventually, Shinobu simply shrugged. That made sense to her. If their family really was that influential, then avoiding the press every now and then would be a must.

"Yay!" little Aoi flew around the larger man, the two of them having immediately hit it off. "You're funny!"

"Yeah, haha!" the smaller one laughed awkwardly. "He sure is. Listen, I gotta go make a call! Be right back!"

"Okay!" Shinobu waved him off, and sat down on a box. Gosh... Soon enough she might get to meet her and Ataru's child. And all the other kids he'd have with the other girls! What an exciting turn this was taking!

Of course, right after that they'd have to get back to their own timeline... but one thing at a time, alright?