Story: Hentai Crystal

This wasn't the first time Usagi had been kidnapped. It probably wouldn't be the last. The basic pattern was simple enough. She'd wake up in the Royal Suite of the villain's lair, in some slinky dress that she could normally never afford. Then the head bad guy would come in, being all suave and cool and try to seduce her to his side via fair means or foul.

...

Actually, come to think that had only happened the one time, hadn't it? Mamoru was the one that got kidnapped way more often than she did. So, she was basing her expectation on a sample size of one. That hardly seemed representative! Her eyes were still closed, but Usagi screwed them up. Okay. Okay. Let's see. You're lying on a flat surface with the mother and father of all headaches. Do you smell anything?

...

Cleaning material. A hospital maybe? No, this surface was way too hard to be a hospital bed. No covers either. She creaked open an eye to take a better look at her surroundings, unsure of what she'd find. Would it be the lap of luxury? Would there be peeled grapes sitting in a bowl just out of reach? What sort of dress would she be wearing? Would it make her butt look big? God, she hoped so. A nice, fat, smackable booty just like Ami would be the best thing right now, it would cheer her right up.

Alas, that is not what awaited her. What she found was the inside of a prison cell. Drab. Black and white. Cleaner than her own bedroom.

"I hate this already," she grumbled darkly to herself. "Urgh! They even changed me into prison garb! With arrows, even? What is this, the 1930s? Come on! Be a bit more modern with your prison clothes!"

"Less of the griping in there, if you don't mind!" asked a man with a crip British accent. Looking up, Usagi saw a man wearing a black suit replete with a ridiculous looking hat. Actually, it was more like a helmet. Sort of curved around at the top, had a badge at the front of it too. Looked very official. But her attention was more drawn towards the moustache. Goodness that was a ridiculous moustache. It sucked her attention in and made her basically ignore all the other details of this weirdo. "You make a habit of staring at Bobbies, do ya?"

"Your name is Bobby?" Usagi asked. Of course, for non-British readers, that is old slang for Policemen. Not that Usagi was worldly enough to know this. "Bobby, could you please let me out of here? I haven't done anything wrong."

"Ah-ah-ah! That's for the courts to decide," Bobby wagged his finger. "You've been arrested, what ho. Do recall miss, that order also stands for Law and Order."

Right. That's right. They were fighting some weird group that was obsessed with 'order'. That is, their own twisted sense of 'order' where they got to tell everyone else what to do and think. Typical bully mentality. She wasn't quite sure how they had managed to grab her, but if they thought they were getting away with this then they had another thing coming.

She didn't expect this cell to break easily. It was probably resistant to her magic if she tried to use it. Not to mention, that guy was watching her quite closely... Trying anything blatant would likely backfire. Heck, they were probably itching for the chance to try something if she made with the violent actions. Which meant that she had to do something she normally didn't. Think.

"I... Request a lawyer."

Ladies and gentlemen, Usagi's two brain cells rubbed together, made out for a bit (because she's still extremely horny, holy christ is she still horny) and then spat out something actually intelligent. That's right. Her favourite shows had always made it clear. If you're in trouble with the police for any reason - even if you know for a fact you're innocent - always lawyer up. Always, always, always lawyer up! Why? Because even if you're innocent, the police might not believe that, and they might try to trick you into making a confession. Or use something you tell them to charge you with something unrelated that they would legally be able to use in court. They know the law better than a layperson, after all, therefore if anyone tells you that only an innocent person hides behind a lawyer, spit in their eye and run off.

Gosh, doesn't that sound like the sort of advice you'd get during the Sailor Moon Says section of an episode? It's good advice, everyone. Please bear it in mind if you ever do find yourself interviewed by the police.

"Very well!" Bobby said. He turned to the side and snapped his fingers. "One will be along shortly."

"Thanks, Bobby!"

"My name isn't Bobby," he corrected.

"Oh? Then what are you?"

"I'm a bobby," Bobby said. Apparently oblivious to the routine he'd trapped himself in, the intelligence of the person he was talking to, or the lack of prevalence of understanding of British slang. I, for example, had already explained above this particular point. He had not. On that basis, which of them was the idiot again?

Incidentally, Usagi is quite lucky that Cop (their actual name) imprinted on a British policeman, rather than a Japanese one. She'd have been cross examined for literally days before getting to see a lawyer. Thank goodness for Sir Robert Peel being British, what ho chaps?

...

You know. The man regarded as the father of the modern British force? The model that many countries around the world wound up copying or drawing inspiration from for their own law enforcement? The very reason for the aforementioned "Bobby" nickname for policemen to start with? You're just learning a whole lot today, aintcha? Didn't expect that from a smut site, huh?

The more you know!

Anyway, Usagi was starting to think twice about this general idea. A lawyer would be on their side, right? No matter. The point was, it bought her some time. Time for the others to come and rescue -

"Hello Sailor Moon."

"Hey Sailor Mars," she replied without thinking, then did a double take. "Uh, what happened to your colour? You've gone all greyscale. Don't tell me - you're my lawyer? When did you pass the bar?"

"I'm amazed you know what the bar is," Mars said.

"I know fine well what the bar is!" Moon replied. "It's the thing you jump over during gym class. Nyah."

"Good heavens, you're sure she's in charge of your group"? Bobby asked. "She hardly seems all there to me, what ho."

"Trust me, when things get serious she's quite dangerous," Mars said. "Really now, Sailor Moon. Can't you see how you're being manipulated? A lust demon. An honest to goodness lust demon! It's corrupting your minds and bodies, twisting you around its own sick will. Turning you into - Into deviants! I was also falling victim, until they set me free."

"Uh huh," Sailor Moon nodded along. "Sure. Sure. I believe you. I believe that they convinced you that Libra is the bad guy here."

Behold, modern politics in a nutshell. Neither side quite believes the other, because their own sources say the other guy is lying. As it turns out, there can be manipulative assholes on both sides of the coin. It's just, you know, one set of manipulative assholes is worse than the other, and the one that's better is going through a sort of redemption arc.

A new figure entered. Stern, pencil thin, a suit so sharp you could use it to cut a slice of steak. Gosh, Moon could really go for some steak right about now. Or meat in a more general sense. The new arrival adjusted his glasses and stepped into the room. "Attorney representing one... Sailor Moon? I do hope you have been respecting her rights as an individual. Might I ask what she is charged with?"

"Vigilantism," Bobby answered. Mars perked up her ears. "Quite serious, you know. One cannot simply take the law into one's own hands. Taints any gathered evidence - and besides which, our understanding is you have been killing youma without due process."

"Is she being charged over that latter point?" the attorney asked.

"Not yet, we're still looking into whether or not it's some form of murder," Bobby replied.

"H-hey! Those youma were draining people dry! We couldn't just stand by and do nothing!" Sailor Moon yelled, slamming her hands on the bars all dramatically and whatnot.

"Self defense, good samaritan laws..." the attorney reeled off without missing a beat. "It's quite clear that a police force is ill equipped to contend with youma."

"But who gave them the authority to deal with it?" Bobby replied. "The local government doesn't even know who they are. No accountability, old bean. Where did you get your powers from, again?"

"According to Sailor Mars, they are the reincarnations of Princesses of the now long extinct Moon Kingdom, from which they derive their power," the attorney said. Wait, Mars had told them that much?!

"That hardly gives them the right to interfere in police work, or take matters into their own hands," Bobby said. "If I were to, say, damage a fountain during a scuffle with a crook, the payment would rightly come from my hide. And I'd have to fill in paperwork regarding the incident, and have to meet with the chief to discuss what happened. Do they have that level of accountability?"

"On the other hand, youma could hardly be said to have the same rights as human beings either," the attorney countered. "If we were to think of them as, for instance, rabid dogs actively attacking members of the public, we would normally expect an armed member of said public to put the dog down before it harmed anyone else. That hardly counts as vigilantism - or murder for that matter. Not even animal abuse."

Usagi felt dizzy all of a sudden. Uuuurgh! It sounded like this guy was defending them, at least?

"Additionally, owing to their status as reincarnations of Princesses, they are technically heads of state, which may confer some level of political immunity. Confining them here could be construed as an act of war. In which case, you should remand them to their own nation's custody."

"That presumes an extradition treaty," Bobby wagged his finger. "Their country has fallen, has it not?"

"Its castles still exist, of that I can assure you," the attorney let out a small, thin smile. "They're quite large, certainly large enough to count as micro-states by themselves."

"Still no extradition treaty," Bobby observed.

"No, but I have it on good authority that Sailor V - Now known as Sailor Venus - is quite well regarded by a certain police force she worked with on related matters."

"Bah!" Bobby huffed. "That only goes to show, dear fellow, that this police force needs to be retrained! Allowing some slip of a lass to assist in dangerous cases such as these? No matter if she's the reincarnation of a Princess, we cannot simply allow members of the public to interfere in what are plainly matters for the constabulary! For her own safety, and that of the public, the charges must stand until she can see trial."

"In that case, we shall see you in court," the attorney said. Then, to Sailor Moon - "Please advise your friends that any attempt at a rescue will be a very bad idea. It would turn you all into criminials- and you would be considered as such by every police force across the globe."

That's when it clicked. This is why she'd been given an attorney to defend herself. It was part of some sort of spell! If the others came to rescue her now, they'd trip a trap that would make them into wanted criminals for - Uh, jailbreak or something like that? She turned towards Sailor Mars, who nodded along in understanding.

"It's for the best," Mars said. "This way, we can ensure that they are all given the chance to be purified of that fiend's influence."

"M-Mars!"

"It's only temporary," Mars insisted. "I'm only working with them until you're all better .Then, once Libra is dealt with, we can deal with these guys. They're more reasonable than you realise, so long as you follow the rules."

Their rules. Follow their rules, do what they want and everything will work out. Yeah. She could see how that was going to go now, pretty plainly. How could this possibly get worse?

"I suppose we should call her parents at this point, need to get the legal guardian involved you know."

Oh. That's how.