Sunday, 5 May 2019

Story: Konosuba Orb of Friendship


"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please punish me! Punish me however you like!"

That was the first thing Kazuma heard upon being healed up by Aqua. One of the few genuinely useful things she could do. Darkness was doing her usual spiel, so he tuned her out and started to think about the situation they were in.

"I'll endure any agony you wish to inflict! Any humiliation!"

Megumin and Yunyun were operating under the influence of some kind of 'friendship magic'. It was clearly having an effect on their behaviour, and compelling them to cast it on others. Which couldn't be any kind of good. He didn’t even want to imagine the sort of insanity that could be brought about if everyone in the city was suddenly best friends with these two and each other.

"You can strip me down, whip me, do whatever comes to mind if it makes up for hitting you!"

The thought of hundreds of people coming along to carry mana potions for Megumin to spam her explosion magic made him shudder. And that was assuming only intended consequences, which this sort of thing..

"You must especially punish me for feeling good when I knocked you out! It sent a thrill down my spine like I've never felt before!"

Yeah, this was definitely going to have unintended cons- What did Darkness say just then?

“Oh, it was both terrifying and yet so exciting. The blood splattering and the pained look on your face. So shameful, so wonderful and so bad, oh I am a bad girl. You should punish me, give me the punishment I deserve.”

For once in his life Kazuma turned to Aqua and she turned back at him, and they both shrugged in confusion because neither one of them knew what to make of this.

"Is she fucking with us?" Kazuma asked. Aqua shrugged again.

Ah, to think the day would come that he and the blue haired goddess of useless were of the same opinion on anything not part of immediate survival. Today was truly a strange day. Not only had Aqua shown an unnatural amount of competency, but Megumin had then decided to use a magic that wasn’t Explosion. Now Darkness had actually managed to hit something smaller than the broad side of a barn door and showing her usual deviancy in the opposite direction. Sadism rather than masochism.

"Oh, Kazuma! Did it feel good for you as well?" Darkness asked, suddenly in his face. "You dirty boy! G-Getting your jollies by letting me hit you like that!"

“I am not like you, you stupid perverted knight! And you!" Pointing to Aqua. "Stop laughing in that way that hints I am a pervert!"

“Hehe, of course Neet-Zuma, it isn’t like you had any sort of games of questionable type in your room when you died. No, or these doujinshi under your be-”

Right, that was it! Kazuma strode on over and pinched Aqua's cheeks. He then pulled this worthless Goddess's cheeks out and out as far as he could manage, in part to keep her quiet, in part to put her in her pla-

"Do that to me!" Darkness said. "No, let me try it -"

Then all of a sudden Kazuma's face exploded in pain. It actually took him a few seconds after the fact to figure out what had happened. Darkness had tried copying him, using Kazuma himself as a guinea pig! With her absurd level of strength! It was a miracle he had cheeks left!

"Ahhhh! This pain I'm causing! It feels soooo goood! Kazuma, now pinch my cheeks! I want to know what you felt!"


"Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!" Kazuma screamed, rolling around on the ground clutching at his face. Fortunately, Aqua was right there and healed him.

"I'm not giving you any excuse to peek up my skirt," the Goddess sniffed, making her intentions and priorities clear.

“Oh this is so good, wait.. Kazuma did I overdo it? Ahhh, I am so sorry! Please punish me. Look up my skirt, humiliate me in front of everyone in these streets! Yes, you can lead me around like a pet if you think it would make up for my mistake!” The blonde knight’s breathing was shallow and she was giggling like a stereotypical old pervert.

Right. So. He was feeling pretty confused right now. On the one hand, Megumin and Yunyun's friendship magic was a clear and present danger to everyone around. On the other, if Darkness was allowed to roam free with her newfound interest in sadism, she might cause every bit as much havoc. Which - and this was the most important part - he would have to pay for.

Maybe... Maybe he could use these two problems to sort each other out? Send Darkness after Megumin and Yunyun. No, that would be a pretty explosive - wrong choice of words - it would be a rather extreme reaction without question. In which case he'd have to leave Darkness with Aqua while he tracked down -

"Hey Aqua! Come here a minute, I want to try out something."

That something turned out to be putting the Goddess over her knee and spanking her. It was a little unsettling how easily Darkness did that. With one hand on the small of Aqua's back, she kept her in place while the other hand raised up into the air and fell down, leaving a low clapping sound of flesh hitting flesh filling the street.

Kazuma gulped. And why shouldn't he? This was... well. This was quite something to behold. Even the little screech that Aqua let out was a little erotic.

“St-stop.. Ahhh.. ahh..” The blue haired goddess just barely managed to ask between slaps. Her large ass was bouncing energetically as Darkness continued to abuse it again and again. After a few more hits, her tongue was sticking out and the strength seemed to leave her body as she just lay there limply and let herself be abused with the occasional pained sound.

Kazuma gulped and tried to hide his sudden hard on. Sure, these two girls were absolutely nuts and normally he would never be able to feel hot from watching Aqua of all people. But they were still attractive, and there was something about seeing that idiot suffer that really made his motor roar.

"Kazuma! I have to - I have to see you dom her!"


Alright this seemed like as good a time as any to not be here anymore, time for him to bolt. Although, now that he was making that attempt, here's a quick question.

Have you ever tried to run with a throbbing erection straining your underwear? Yeah, it's pretty much impossible. A man's instinct in such a circumstance is to squat down and try to keep it hidden, and besides which running with this awakened behemoth in his shorts made the act of running quite a painful one.

It also didn't help that Darkness was actually pretty fast, all truth told. So he got all of three steps before her hand fell on his shoulder, and within ten seconds after that his hand was being forced to spank Aqua's worthless butt.

“No need to be worried, I can help you! She won’t even remember her own name when we are done.” Darkness was worryingly positive when it came to this entire matter.

"Kazuma! I'm going to cut off that NEET hand of yours and feed it to you!" Aqua screamed.

<hr>

While that monster was finding itself, another pair of monsters were wandering the streets, skipping gaily and being steadfastly avoided by anyone with an ounce of common sense. This was more people than one might expect, it turned out, especially if you'd asked for Kazuma's opinion on the matter.

"Oh golly gee pal of mine," Megumin sighed. She stopped skipping and scoured the street, shielding her eyes with her hand. "I don't see any potential friends this way or that. However will we make our friendship harem grow!"

"Harem?" Yunyun asked. "Megumin, that makes it sound naughty and perverted. Let's call it a fellowship instead!"

Fear these two for they were the bringers of darkness, enders of creation and bringers of hugs and besties. The Friendocalypse was upon the people of this city. They just didn’t know it yet.

The first victim made herself known in the due course of time. A weary office worker, the lady from behind the guild desk. Her name was Luna, and you'd better believe that she'd seen some shit in her time. Which should make sense. Think about it. Ever worked a customer service position? Now imagine the customer service having to deal with a bunch of idiots who thought fighting monsters for a living was a good idea. Half the time you don’t even know if they will come back tomorrow or get eaten by giant toads!

So yeah, serving fast food or working a call centre might suck, but do give a thought to the people who have to man desks in a fantasy setting. They have to put up with nonsense the likes of which you wouldn't believe, and they don't even get the benefits of modern technology to help them relax.

In any event, Luna was out on a date hunt. Believe it or not she was actually quite old for not being married in this world. Largely because of high death rates from monsters and the forces of evil and random crazy girls casting explosion magic every which way. Her work had left her emotionally drained. Her work had left her with too little time to pursue romantic interests. But not tonight! Tonight she would find someone who would go out on a date with her, and tonight she would -

"Hey, hi! It's the pretty guild lady!"

Have to put up with more asinine bullshit. On came the customer service mask. You know the type quite well. The type that you wear when you want to say 'oh fuck my life not the two of you' but you can't say that because that's how your manager gets involved.

"Megumin! I bet she knows lots of people in need of a friend," Yunyun said. "Don't you, Miss Luna!"

"Perfect Yunyun, as expected of my best friend! Oh yes, the evil god sealed in my eye is reacting.” As the young girl said that, she held one hand over her eyepatch as if clawing something. “This is it, the gates of destiny are opening for us!”

Go away you pair of Crimson Demon clan lunatics!

"I do beg your pardon, but if you are asking for me to breach the confidentiality of fellow guild members -"

"Amicitia"

"-Then I'd be more than happy to help my best friends in the whole wide world!"

And so, the Friendocalypse continues, while the only people capable of stopping it were currently engaged in mostly unwanted fetish play. The world was surely doomed.


  1. Darkness snaps out of her new kink, and the group searches for Megumin and Yunyun
  2. Kazuma manages to sneak away, leaving Aqua to her fate.
  3. Cue fake job adverts to lure in new friends.
  4. Wiz is trying to do something useful and fix this problem.
  5. Something else

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