Story: Pretty Boy Ukyo

Ask anyone who knows him, and they would all agree: Genma Saotome was a simple man. He held to a straightforward view of life, with straightforward goals, straightforward plans and a straightforward methodology. Why make things complicated? If you make things too complicated, add too many moving parts, then it will all fall in on itself. That was his philosophy. Simple. Straightforward. Uncomplicated. That was the way to live your life.

As he lurked by the gateway to the Tendo household in his panda form, he watched with a slight smile as Ranma and Akane returned home together, a sure and simple sign that his plans and schemes were on the path to fruition. This might surprise some people but the thought of his son's future happiness did bring up a feeling of contentment within Genma. So long as everything stayed simple and neat and straightforward then both of their lives were set...

"Fancy running into an old friend like that," Akane said. "You must be so happy there's someone else you know, right?"

An... Old friend? Genma's panda ears perked up. That sounded a lot like an incoming complication.

"It has been a while since we hung out," Ranma said. His eyes were cast upwards in that way he did when he was trying to avoid showing how happy he was with something. "I'm really looking forward to catching up with him!"

"I suppose it is just like one of your old friends. Sneaking up on us rather than properly introducing themselves," Akane mused.

"That's the kind of game Uchan and I used to play all the time!" Ranma protested. "An uncute chick like you doesn't understand the first thing about how a boy's brain works."

"If being cute means understanding that sort of thing, who'd want to be cute?"

That quickly devolved into a flurry of face making. Occasionally with the assistance of the other person, for example Ranma pulling Akane's cheeks out while she retaliated by pushing his nose up. For once Genma wasn't paying much mind to their odd antics as something else rather had his attention just now. Uchan? That okonomiyaki girl?! <i>She was here</i>?! <b>She'd talked with Ranma and Akane?!</b>

That was the third - No, fourth most severe complication he could think of! Only lavender haired psycho-killers, perverted diminutive grandmasters and the love of his life could be worse! Genma hopped onto his back legs, a large bead of sweat forming across his panicked panda forehead. If that Kuonji girl brought up the engagement it would needlessly complicate matters just as Ranma and Akane were starting to show interest in one another.

"Uncute!"

"Idiot!"

Oh, the bloom of young love! How tender, how sweet, how fragile! Hot water. He needed hot water sharpish! Off he dashed towards the kitchen, eager to nip this potential problem in the bud a quickly and neatly as possible, and writing signs simply wouldn't cut it!

"Hello mister panda," Kasumi serenely said to him. "Do you want some hot water?" she asked. Genma nodded enthusiastically. "Alright then. Let me put the kettle on for you."

In that moment Genma remembered the old idiom. A watched kettle never boils. Well, he didn't want it boiling anyway, but waiting for it to reach the right temperature under such a stressful situation wasn't doing him any favours.

The phone rang. Kasumi drifted across to answer it while Genma waited in the kitchen... Though the sneaky woman also made sure to make sure he noticed her counting off the things she was making for dinner. Sneaky move, underhanded!

"Tendo residence," Kasumi said. "Eh... Hello? Oh, my. How pleasant. You're coming over tonight? I'll check with her right away. Nabiki?"

"Who was that?" Nabiki asked. Strange. Did he sense a little more trepidation than curiosity in her tone?

"That was your date," Kasumi said, still holding the phone. "He apologises for short notice, but was wondering if you would be able to accomodate him tonight.

"Oh, is that all?" Nabiki cooly said. She set about inspecting her fingernails rather than answering the phone personally. "Well, I think I should be able to fit him in. Tell him to come over... And don't bother with my dinner tonight. I'll get him to buy me something."

"She says to come on over. She'll be ready for you as soon as possible."

Genma didn't care. Ranma had shown no interest in Nabiki, so let her date whoever she wanted.

"Ah, how wonderful. I shall give your portion to the Saotomes. Enjoy your date!"

Now Genma cared! He rubbed his belly in anticipation. Oh, it wasn't all bad news it seemed.

"Date?" his old friend Soun asked from the kitchen's other doorway. "How pleasant! Nabiki, what is this young man's name?"

"A hundred yen," Nabiki demanded. Soun flipped a coin across the kitchen, which neatly landed in Nabiki's open palm. "His name is Ukyo Kuonji."

Now Genma really cared! He upended the kettle over himself and let out a little bit of a scream. He'd grabbed it slightly too late! "Yooooww! Nabiki! Listen well!" he warned as loudly as he could. "Ukyo Kuonji is -"

"An old friend of Ranma's, I know," Nabiki waved it off. "I don't hold that against him."

"No, no! What I mean to say is that Ukyo Kuonji is -"

"Running his own business!" Nabiki interrupted again. Ah, her eyes were shining! "He has his own okonomiyaki stall, and his own restaurant! And he's still going to school on top of that! His future prospects are quite..." she licked her lips and for a moment almost seemed as demonic as He Who Must Not Be Named. "Lucrative." Then her face returned to normal, and she dashed off towards the stairs.

She wasn't listening! In that case, Genma turned towards the girl's father. He would put a stop to this as soon as he understood the problem! "Soun, about this date -" he began. Then stopped as he saw the tearful face of his friend. Oh no.

"Ah, how wonderful!" Soun sniffed. "For her to become so smitten with a boy that she'd only ask for a meager hundred yen so that I could learn his name! Genma, it sounds like you know him quite well. What can you tell me about this boy?"

"That's the problem!" Genma said. "Ukyo is not a boy!"

"Ah, I see what you are saying." Soun nodded in understanding. Thank goodness. Though he was taking this revelation better than Genma was expecting. "Ukyo Kuonji is not a boy... For he is far too mature for that title! You cannot call someone who is running their own business a mere boy! Ukyo Kuonji is a <b>man</b>!"

"No, you fool!" Genma yelled, seizing hold of his best friend's shoulders and shaking him to make sure he had his full attention. "That's not what I mean at all! Ukyo Kuonji is a girl!"

A moment after that, cold water hit Genma's back and he became a panda once again. Soun's eye twitched a little at suddenly having a panda's face right in front of his own, and he politely yet firmly extracted the paws from his shoulders so he could step away.

"Oy, pops!" Ranma said. Genma slowly turned around. "Mind explaining why you're making fun of a friend of mine like that?"

"Growf!" Genma protested. Ranma responded by smacking his fist into an open palm while smiling in a rather disconcerting way. "Growf!" Genma protested. Thinking quickly, he grabbed hold of a sign and scribbled on it. "Ukyo Kuonji was always a girl!"

"Feh! Making fun of the manliest friend I ever met like that!" Ranma yelled. "Someone's hankering for a beatdown!"

There was a knock at the front gate. Genma's ears perked up: This was probably his chance! He slipped away when Ranma pounced for him. Still too slow for your old man! Boy, it's time you learned the truth about your 'best friend'... Before it made everything in your life far more complicated than it had to be!

Not to mention Genma's life, too!
<hr>
Okay. Settle down Ukyo. You've been on dates with girls before. When you were pretending to be a boy. The only difference was that you actually were biologically speaking a boy right now with all the relevant bits and pieces, while Nabiki was a girl who had all of her relevant...

Oooh! Ukyo put his hands to his cheeks and felt the blush coming in like a force of nature. There was something about that Nabiki girl which was completely different from the other girls she'd dated. Normally they were put off by how 'handsome' he was and it made them nervous, but Nabiki had this air of confidence around her that somehow made her seem even prettier!

Deep breath though. Calm down. It wasn't like anything exciting would happen on this date. Ukyo was just intending to use Nabiki... Not for her body! Nope! Definitely not for that luscious body! Only her close contact with the Tendo family, who were putting up the Saotomes for whatever reason. Once suitably calm again Ukyo knocked on the front gate, wondering if maybe he'd come along a little too early. From what he remembered girls tended to take a while to get ready for a date for some reason. That was the trouble, he supposed: Pretending to live like a boy for so long had made girly things a bit of a mystery to -

"Hi there mister panda bear," Ukyo said to the rather massive form towering over him. "I must have the wrong address, don't mind me!" For a moment Ukyo was shocked, but then his martial arts instincts kicked in. He grabbed hold of his battle spatula and made ready to defend himself. The panda growled, then pounced. Ukyo swung away, expecting to hit it in the head -

But the panda was a mite too fast! It twisted in mid-air in a way that is precisely the kind of agility that pandas are not known for. "What?!" he gasped, seeing a paw extending out for his chest. Oh no! That claw looked razor sharp! Was this how he'd meet his end? At the hands of one of the most docile and cute animals on earth? What a shameful death! What misery, never even having the chance to get his reve-

Then the claw reached for the buttons on Ukyo's shirt and popped them open one by one in quick succession. Huh? What? He was left so bamboozled by this that he didn't even resist as the panda slipped behind him and tugged his shirt apart with one paw, while holding up a sign with the other.

The sign said "See? Now you know what gender Ukyo is!"

Another blush fell upon Ukyo as he suddenly took note of the small crowd of people peering out from within the compound. There was Ranma, Akane, some really pretty young woman in a floral dress and a middle aged man with a big moustache.

"Yeah, I'd say we sure can!" Ranma began to shake his fist, which seemed to be growing tighter and tighter with each passing moment. Next to him, Akane put her fingers over her eyes, but made a small(yet obvious) opening so she could peek through. "We can easily see that's definitely a man's chest, you dumbass!"

The sign flipped over. Now it read "Eh?!" The panda began sweating nervously, then peeked down at Ukyo's chest. It patted away in abject disbelief. The sign flipped again. "No chest wrappings?"

"Pops!" Ranma growled. "Quit feeling up my friend!"

Pops? Oh. Oh! Is that who this was? A dark glower overtook Ukyo's eyes and he began to chuckle menacingly. The battle spatula clattered to the ground. He didn't need this right now. He reached up with both hands and grabbed this stupid panda around the sides of its head and yanked it over his shoulders, slamming him to the ground.

"Genma Saotome! I thought I recognised the stupid!" Ukyo yelled.

"He had that coming..." the woman whispered. Akane nodded, and the man sighed.

"Forgive me!" read the sign <i>the stupidest idiot on the planet</i> held up. "I thought for certain you were a girl!"

"Hey, what's all the commotion out there?" a new voice asked. Ukyo glimpsed upwards for a moment, fully intending to put the boots to the panda as a small down payment on the suffering he'd inflicted, the torment on Ukyo's life might never be repaid... "Oh, Ukyo. Arrived for our date?"

But that stormy anger dissipated, as though a gentle breeze had pushed the cloud away. Nabiki Tendo had made her appearance, arriving in a snug fitting jumper and a snappy black miniskirt. While the outfit wasn't especially revealing it did give Ukyo a much, much better look at her figure and the only intelligent response he could muster was - "Buh?"

Nabiki made her way elegantly through the rest of her family and walked over to Ukyo. She reached out a finger and trailed it down Ukyo's bare chest. Suddenly remembering what Genma had done, he made to button it up, but Nabiki shook her head.

"It's a good look on you," she whispered, mischief in her eyes. "Come on. I know a few other local restaurants we can visit. It'll give you a chance to scope out the competition."

"If he can take his eyes off her..." Ranma whispered. Then louder, "Hey, Nabiki! Remember that Ukyo is a friend of mine. No funny business, okay?"

As if in response to Ranma's demand, Nabiki slipped her arm around Ukyo's and lay her head on his shoulder. "Buh?!" Ukyo remarked. A quite erudite expression of his feelings on the matter. And then she led him off. He'd never felt stiffer, in more ways than one.

"Hrmph... As if there was any doubt," Akane sniffed. "That's <i>definitely</i> a boy's reaction. No question of it!"

As for Genma Saotome, he lay there in the street in panda form holding up a simple sign: "Ow!"

1. Nabiki figures out Ukyo's curse, decides to blackmail 'him' to keep it quiet... But she's not interested in money.
2. Ukyo works very hard to keep his secret from Nabiki, and tries to focus on finding out more about Ranma's situation... With limited success.
3. Kuno and Ryoga plot and scheme!
4. The adventures of Tsubasa and Konatsu continue!
5. Something else