Story: Sudden Wedding 1/2

 

Aha, so this was hell, was it? At this point, Ranma was pretty sure that's what this must be. Getting bounced around to seemingly random points of his life, with no context save what he chose to write in his journal. With Akane and Kasumi dumping him, he was now left with only Nabiki as his one out of three fiances, and - 

"Airen! Here, have!" Shampoo said, being bubbly and cute while sitting in his lap. She was holding a pair of chopsticks, holding meat that smelled delicious, but... He was still kinda not used to the idea of her being like this. If he was being perfectly honest, it was freaking him out a little bit.

I mean, think about it. While the journal had explained what had happened with her, it was a different matter entirely from actually living it. As far as Ranma's personal experiences went, he'd gone from 'Shampoo is trying to kill my girl side' to 'Shampoo is trying to marry my boy form' without seeing the transitionary period.

Now, granted, he had been on a few misadventures involving her by this point, and she'd been pretty flirty there as well... But this was a whole other matter because she was currently sitting in his lap. Being all cute and sexy at him. He'd already had to pull his hands away from her legs more than once. He couldn't help it. His instincts as a man were telling him, screaming at him, to caress those yams, squeeze those gams, and he really didn't know what to do with himself right now. Especially since he'd already seen a future where he did not, absolutely had not, hooked up with this girl at all!

He shifted, trying to gently nudge Shampoo off his lap without outright shoving her. Which, for the record, had never worked with her before. She clung tighter, wiggling slightly to adjust her position, which was so not helping. He tensed. This was fine. Everything was fine.

"Shampoo, seriously, you don't gotta feed me. I can use chopsticks, you know."

"Airen so modest," she said sweetly, waving the meat near his mouth like she was trying to entice a shy cat. "Is okay! Shampoo like taking care of husband."

Husband. That word hit like a cold splash of water, which, ironically, would not help right now. She beamed at him with those wide, adoring eyes, and Ranma's brain did a little blue screen before rebooting with, Okay, just go with it. Survive until lunch. Ukyo will be way more normal. Right? Right?! He reluctantly opened his mouth, letting her feed him. It tasted amazing, of course. Shampoo always could cook. He just didn’t like the smug little noise she made when he chewed it.

"See? Airen look happy."

"I look like I'm being held hostage," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Shampoo asked, using a tone that made it clear she'd heard exactly what he'd said and was daring him to repeat it.

"Nothing. Just... you’re real peppy today, huh?" Ranma's no coward, but he's not a fool either. Most of the time. He wasn't going to poke this bear. Especially not when the bear had spent about a month trying to murder his ass.

"Shampoo is always happy with Airen."

He honestly couldn’t tell if that was terrifying or flattering. Before he could untangle that emotional spaghetti, Nabiki strolled past the engawa, counting yen bills with the satisfied air of a loan shark who’d just repossessed a unicorn.

"You’re on the clock, Shampoo," she said without looking up. "Ukyo’s almost done with the okonomiyaki setup in the courtyard."

Shampoo pouted. "No fair. Shampoo pay for two hours."

"Which includes set-up and clean-up time," Nabiki said smoothly, flipping a bill. "Talk to my manager if you have complaints. Oh wait, that’s me."

Ranma groaned, rubbing his face. "You’re literally auctioning off my time like it’s an amusement park ride."

"Well, I mean, you're not wrong," Nabiki said, finally looking at him with that sly grin of hers. "But you’re cute when you pout."

Shampoo leaned in close, arms wrapping around his shoulders. "Airen not pout. Shampoo love Airen’s face."

"Stop saying Airen like that, it’s—weird," Ranma mumbled, ears burning. Then he blinked. "Wait, Nabiki, what happened to you taking the evening slot?"

"Still am," she said, giving him a wink. "But I’m flexible. If one of the girls tries anything too forward, I’ll just increase the rates for 'premium access.'"

"Premium?" Ranma groaned. "Oh my god, you’ve turned me into a subscription service."

Nabiki, meanwhile, seemed incapable of shame. So she shrugged. "Hey, blame the marriage law. I’m just adapting."

=====

Akane crouched low behind a nearby hedge, holding two leafy branches on either side of her face like they were the world's most convincing disguise. They weren’t. She looked like a cartoon character who'd lost a bet with a tree. But she thought it was working, which, arguably, made it worse.

From her leafy not-very-inconspicuous perch, she peeked out at the courtyard, where Ranma was currently seated on a picnic blanket beside Ukyo. The two of them were laughing over something—probably some dumb cooking joke that Akane wouldn't have understood anyway. Ukyo had made him a special heart-shaped okonomiyaki, and Ranma actually looked happy about it. That was suspicious in and of itself.

Not that I care or anything, Akane told herself firmly. I just... it’s irresponsible. Yeah. Irresponsible to let Nabiki run a dating scam like this! I mean, what if Shampoo tries to kill someone again? Or Kodachi poisons the tea? I’m doing this for everyone's safety. Especially Ranma’s. Totally not because I don’t like watching Ukyo flirt with him. Definitely not because of that.

She adjusted one of the branches. A twig poked her in the eye.

"Ack—!"

"Having fun pretending to be foliage?" Nabiki’s voice drawled from somewhere above her.

Akane looked up and yelped as Nabiki casually leaned on the fence next to her hiding spot, sipping tea like she hadn't just caught her little sister doing the worst spy work in the history of anything ever.

"I’m not spying!" Akane snapped, dropping one of the branches and trying to look casual despite still kneeling in the dirt. "I'm just... inspecting the shrubbery. For pests."

"Oh sure. And I suppose you're a licensed pest control agent now?"

"I could be!"

Nabiki smirked. "Look, if you're that interested in Ranma's schedule, I’ve got openings. Shampoo’s done, Ukyo’s wrapping up. Kodachi’s got the afternoon slot, but you could squeeze in right after—"

Akane’s face went full red. "I don’t want a date with that idiot!"

"Then you could always pay me not to schedule any more dates. I mean, the demand’s there, but I could be persuaded to make his calendar mysteriously... free."

"That's blackmail!"

"It’s capitalism, Akane. Besides, if you don’t want a date, why are you still crouching in the bushes like a stalker?"

"I told you, I was—!"

"Inspecting the shrubbery. Right. Look, sis, just admit it—you’re jealous. It’s cute."

Akane stood up abruptly, brushing leaves from her hair. "I am not jealous! I’m concerned! You’re selling off Ranma like he’s... like he’s buffet sushi! What if someone gets hurt?"

Nabiki’s eyes gleamed with that familiar shark-smile. "Then you should probably keep a closer eye on him. Say... around dinnertime?"

Akane opened her mouth to argue—and then stopped. Because Ranma laughed again. A real one, not the panicked, awkward kind. Ukyo leaned into his shoulder, and Akane felt something uncomfortable twist in her gut.

"Ugh. Fine," she muttered. "Put me on the list."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Evening’s full. You want to bribe me to bump someone, or shall I pencil you in for tomorrow’s breakfast?"

Akane growled. "I swear, Nabiki—"

"That’s not a no~"

=====

Right. So far, Shampoo had treated him like a husband, Ukyo had treated him like a boyfriend, and now...

Ranma glanced to his side as Kodachi Kuno practically floated onto the courtyard with all the grace of a deranged ballerina, carrying a picnic basket, a parasol, and—why was that tea steaming purple?

Yeah. Now he was about to be treated like a victim.

"Aha~ Ranma-sama!" Kodachi sang, twirling once before dramatically landing on one foot like she’d just finished a pirouette. “How fortunate that you should grace this humble afternoon with your radiant presence!”

"...Hi," he said flatly, scooting half an inch back as she got uncomfortably close. "You... uh, remembered this isn’t a fencing duel, right?"

"Of course! I’ve brought only the finest refreshments, carefully selected to stimulate both body and soul!" She held up the basket like it was some kind of sacred relic. "And I only added a tiny bit of extract of rare Amazonian foxglove. To heighten the senses, you see."

"That sounds... like something that should come with a warning label."

"How silly! You have nothing to fear. Your beloved Kodachi will tend to your every need."

He mentally braced himself. One hour. He could survive one hour.

He sat stiffly on the blanket she'd laid out, trying not to look directly at the food until he was reasonably sure it wouldn’t sprout legs and run off. So far, it only smelled mildly toxic. Progress?

He let out a slow breath, trying to center himself.

Shampoo had fed him with the enthusiasm of someone tending to their prized pet tiger. Ukyo had talked and joked like they were already in some long-term relationship, like all the baggage between them had never existed. It had been... honestly kind of nice. Weirdly comforting. She’d ruffled his hair like she’d done when they were kids, told him dumb stories about her customers, and for a second, he could pretend this version of his life made any kind of sense.

But now here he was, being offered "delicately candied eel hearts" by a girl whose idea of flirting was an airborne ribbon assault.

And that’s when he saw her.

Akane.

She was not hiding this time. She was walking past the courtyard, very deliberately not looking at him, arms crossed, nose in the air like she had just coincidentally chosen this exact moment to pass through this exact area for completely unrelated reasons.

She wasn’t spying. Of course not. That’d be weird.

Her eyes flicked toward him once, just once, and when they did, he caught the faintest twitch of annoyance—or maybe it was disgust, it was hard to tell with her—and she huffed dramatically and picked up her pace. Kodachi, who had been trying to drape herself over his shoulder like some kind of clingy opera cape, followed his gaze.

"Oho~! That ex-fiance of yours looks positively incensed. Could she be... jealous?"

Ranma shook his head and let out a sigh that felt like it had been building since breakfast.

"Nah. She probably just doesn’t want to catch whatever this tea is."

Kodachi only laughed.

He took another sip of his own, real, absolutely-not-laced tea from earlier and stared into the middle distance.

He missed the future where he was married to all three Tendo sisters.

Sure, it had been deeply confusing, morally questionable, and somehow even more stressful, but at least there’d been structure.