Story: RCM Magical Christmas Cake Yumiko

Last ep-  https://addventure.bearchive.com/~addventure/game1/docs/1523/1523529.html

 

Yumiko was not in a good mood. For a moment there, she'd thought she'd finally managed to break her status as a christmas cake, and land herself a hot guy! Alas, such a feat would surely break the very title of the story, and that would represent a fundamental change to the status quo, which means the producers nixed it.

And by producers, we mean... Look over there, a distraction! Or if you prefer, the plot!

"So, is this what you do outside of work?" Hiroshi asked. "It's frightening, but... It's also really attractive."

Returning to Yumiko's mindset here - Guh! This was what made this so frustrating! Would it be so wrong if she, for example, took him home and got herself laid? He'd like it too, right? Right?!

Yeah... Yeah, it would be wrong to take advantage of him right now... Stupid morality, dumb ethics, getting in the way of the hierarchy of need, which places sexual contentment among the most important aspects... Honestly, she was kind of wishing she'd found him someplace else to be. Maybe told him to meet her at a cafe or something while she did superhero stuff... But that would make it seem like she was standing him up, which a woman in her position simply could not risk doing, just in case he remembered it later on!

Which made it better that she'd brought him into what was about to be an active battlefield? Urgh. Yeah, probably.

The probably evil General of the group stepped forward wielding an enormous sword, which seemed really unwieldy. Where had she been storing - Oh, right, magic. She probably opened a portal or made it poof into existence, or whatever.

"We meet again, Sparkling Lover Star!" the evil General taunted. She swung her sword around, slicing a shape into it. A circle atop a cross with a curve at the top? "I, General Pluto shall be your end!" Oh, thank goodness, she'd introduced herself. At this point Yumiko couldn't remember dealing with this girl before. Maybe she'd been working in the background previously? Or something like that.

Whatever the case may be, she shifted to stand in front of Hiroshi and adopted what felt like a suitable martial arts pose. She wasn't sure how actually effective it would be in martial arts, but... Whatever, let's role!

"God that is the hottest thing I've ever seen," Hiroshi said. Guh! Did he have to phrase it like that! "The way your uniform barely fits you, like it was made for someone maybe half your age. Yet you still look radiant, graceful -"

"Pft, so that's how you found out, was it?" Pluto jeered. "Lunaria, while I duel this fool, inflict some form of bodily injury upon him the moment she lets her guard down."

"Can do!" said another girl, who saluted smartly. Or rather, saluted stupidly, but was trying her very best to seem smart. It was the kind of salute that looked designed to give oneself a concussion rather than display obedience. Great. Now she had to protect him, while trying to fend this dummy off!

Pluto blinked, and suddenly was right in front of her, swinging her sword down. In a panic, Yumiko braced her wrists, crossing her hands together. The sword struck, nearly driving her into the floor - and then she felt a rough kick to the midsection following up, sending her flying back to the door she'd come in from.

Instinct took over. She tucked her knees in mid-air and somehow managed to make her body turn around. Her legs straightened out, passing through the doorway, but her hands caught the wall on either side and she used this to pull herself hard back into the room!

"Shooting Star Strike!" she called out, because of course, every attack worth a whit of a damn had to have a name like that.

A comet-shaped blast of light erupted from Yumiko’s foot as she launched herself at Pluto like a very sparkly missile. The move was mostly improvised and held together by desperation and ego, but it looked cool, and that’s what really mattered when you were being animated on a budget.

Pluto didn’t flinch. She parried the strike with the flat of her blade, twisting her wrist like she was swatting away an annoying pigeon. The impact sent out a shockwave of glitter, which was both dangerous and mildly fabulous.

“Impressive,” Pluto said flatly, which coming from her was probably the equivalent of a standing ovation. “But sloppy. Predictable. Is that really the best you can do?”

“Hey, don’t knock the classics!” Yumiko shouted, flipping backward. “It’s part of my brand!”

Meanwhile, Hiroshi had taken it upon himself to try and be useful. This, of course, was an error.

“Hang in there!” he called. “I’ll distract the sidekick girl!”

“No—DON’T—” she began, but it was already too late.

Hiroshi picked up a broken piece of wall, which looked very dramatic in his head but weighed approximately two pounds. He hurled it toward Lunaria, who was twirling a glowing staff and humming a theme song only she could hear. The debris bounced harmlessly off her shoulder.

“Hey!” Lunaria yelled, affronted. “That’s rude! I’m in the middle of my villainous charge-up sequence!”

She raised her staff dramatically, and it pulsed ominously. Threatening to make good on the order she'd been given before.

“Oh no you don’t—” Yumiko twisted in midair, raised her hand, and shouted, “Heartbreaker Beam!”

A pink laser, shaped vaguely like a ribbon and heartbreak, zigzagged across the battlefield and smacked Lunaria in the face, sending her flying into a pile of conveniently-stacked boxes labeled “Property of The Eternal Night Empiretm.”

“Okay, that’s two for two on last-minute saves,” Yumiko panted. “Can we call that personal growth?”

“Technically,” Pluto said, voice cool, “you’ve merely delayed the inevitable.”

She charged, sword dragging behind her and carving a line through the floor. Yumiko met her head-on, their weapons clashing in a spray of sparkles, angst, and late-stage capitalism.

From the sidelines, Hiroshi groaned. “That girl with the sword is terrifying. Also, weirdly hot? Wait—is that normal?”

Yumiko, locked in a clash with a clearly stronger opponent, screamed back, “This is not the time for an awakening, Hiroshi!”

“Not my fault the villain is tall, confident, and can probably crush a watermelon with her thighs!”

Pluto, deadpan: “I can, by the way.”

“STOP MAKING IT WORSE,” Yumiko shrieked. A burst of rainbow glitter flew out from around her, pushing Pluto back. Ooh! Look at that smirk on her face! She'd said that on purpose to rile her up! Fight smarter, not harder! She aimed her hand directly at the enemy, who was already bringing down her sword again. Ah, crap! Did she have enough time to pull this off? Or was she going to - 

Crash! Something flew right by her. A box, thrown from the back of the room. It split open, sliced in two by Pluto's sword, sending dozens of those love tags flying everywhere. Yumiko leaped back. Pluto? Not so lucky.

The tags covered her from head to toe. It was like watching someone getting buried at the beach suddenly have a dump truck full of sand emptied out over them. Except, you know, corrupted religious lucky charms instead of assorted mineral grains. The only thing left sticking out was the hand holding onto her sword, which was upright in the air but also twitching like mad.

Which left the underling, who was behind Hiroshi with a comically long fingernail that was almost, but not quite at his jugular. Yumiko whipped her head around to give her a glare that could flash freeze steam.

"You're gonna fuck off," Yumiko said. "Right?"

"Fucking off! Right now!" the minion quipped. Phew, okay then. She hadn't actually gone for the kill there because, you know, it was pretty risky. She might have lunged for him in the time the attack was coming in, so this was the safer route to take. Now, as for Pluto - 

There was a long, pregnant pause. The love tags began to glow. Softly at first. Then violently. Pink hearts bloomed in the air like very aggressive bubbles. A swarm of animated cherubs flew by, one of them hitting a wall and exploding into confetti. A harp played somewhere in the background—no one was sure where it came from, but it felt diegetic. The sword clattered to the ground as Pluto slowly—ominously—rose from the pile, completely covered in pulsating love charms. Her eyes, formerly glowing red with evil, were now glowing pink with... devotion.

Yumiko froze. “No. Oh no. I know that look.”

Pluto clutched her chest. “Is this... what love feels like?” she gasped, as rose petals blew across the battlefield in blatant disregard for any logical explanation. “The tightness in my heart... the fluttering... the swooning...” She turned toward Hiroshi.  

“Oh you have got to be kidding me,” Yumiko muttered.

“My shining moonlight darling,” Pluto said, one foot crunching the broken remains of her own sword as she stepped forward with the glacial majesty of someone in a very expensive wedding dress commercial. “Your bravery… your hair… your questionable fashion sense. It has awakened something long dormant within me.”

Hiroshi blinked. “Wait, me?”

She floated toward him—yes, floated, with sparkles trailing behind her and a choir singing in the key of awkward.

“I must know your name,” Pluto breathed. “I must protect you. I will slay mountains. I will burn kingdoms. I will annihilate all who would dare stand between us, my brave, fragile, strangely alluring civilian—”

“His name’s Hiroshi,” Yumiko interjected flatly. “And no, you may not.”

“I see,” Pluto said, eyes burning with pink fury. “You seek to keep us apart. Classic rival-to-lover tension.”

“More like magical girl villain-to-overly dramatic stalker,” Yumiko snapped.

“I love when you stand there listening to mindless banter,” Pluto cooed at Hiroshi. “We’ll be so happy together.”

“I’m very confused,” Hiroshi said. “And also scared. But... also flattered? Does that make me a bad person?”

“Yes,” Yumiko and Pluto said in unison. They blinked at each other.

Pluto gasped. “We’re already finishing each other’s sentences!”

Yumiko put a hand to her forehead. “This is actually worse than the mind-control death fog from last week. I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Lunaria!” Pluto called out without looking. “Prepare the Ritual of Binding and Devotion!”

“But I thought we were gonna—oh, right.” Lunaria had been half way through the whole 'fucking off' thing. She shook off a tag still stuck to her nose. “Uh, sure! I’ll go, uh... bind some ritual stuff!”

Yumiko cracked her knuckles, sighing like someone who knew exactly how many calories magical combat burned and was already regretting not eating breakfast. “Okay. New plan. We’re ending this now before things escalate into ‘accidental marriage contract’ territory.”

“I hope I’m invited to the wedding!” Hiroshi said, trying to be helpful.

“YOU WOULD BE THE GROOM, DIPSHIT!” Yumiko barked. Oof! She could feel another headache coming on! How could this poss- "Oh, no! I'm not going down that road!"

But it was too late. Murphy had been called, and it was time to make things worse for her!