Story: Akane the Half Alien

 Jump ahead a bit, post the *next* update first as that's the one that should go before this one

 
"Ten! Did you behave for your cousin and her future husband slash wife?"

"Of course I behaved!" Ten... didn't lie, exactly. He behaved. Behaved terribly. Not that Lum had especially noticed but Ranma was slumped over on a chair while Akane was hovering in the air in a position as if she was about ready to go to sleep right there and then. Looking after a human baby is exhausting. Looking after one that can fly and breathe fire? After a few hours even a martial artist pair would be a bit out of stamina.

For the first time in half an hour, Ranma felt it was probably safe to take his hand away from the fire extinguisher currently lying at his feet. It wasn';t even that Ten was doing it on purpose. Sometimes when he got a bit overexcited, he might, casually, belch up a fireball. Or if he was hungry, he might make his displeasure known. Or if the food he'd been given gave him gas, it might erupt in a more literal manner than one might usually use in this situation.

"Thank you for taking care of him," Lum said.

"Sure thing, anytime," Akane said, at which point Ranma threw a cushion at her.

Now, before Lum could leave, taking Ten out of their home and into a place that hopefully had an excellent fire control setup, a shadowy figure quickly approached Ranma, pouncing on him before he was able to do much about it. This figure was, of course -

"Airen!"

Shampoo, pulling Ranma into a deep hug.

"Ranchan! Who is this girl in the bikini, and that baby had better not be yours!"

While Ukyo had more casually strolled in through the Tendo family's back gate. Alongside some guy Ranma had never seen before.  For some reason he felt an odd kinship with this person, as though they had a surprising amount in common.

"This is my cousin Lum, and her cousin Ten," Akane said. Defusing the situation before it got worse. Which was so novel an experience that Ranma honestly didn't know how to take it. "They're aliens from outer space."

At this point, Ukyo wasn't going to question it.  The revelation that Akane was part alien was, at this point, pretty much just another 'huh that's weird' to add to the tally.

"Airen help Shampoo," Shampoo wailed, snuggling into Ranma, taking advantage of his emotionally and physically exhausted state to get in a nice cuddle with him while he was less able to fight her off. "Rich jerk try to run Shampoo out of business! Also Ukyo's place too."

"I'm thinking he's got some beef with you, if ya ask me!" the guy that had come in with Shampoo and Ukyo said. "Name’s Ryunosuke Fujinami , by the way."

"Ryuunosuke's right! It's your fault, Ranchan! This Mendo guy's being a real pain the ass!" Ukyo huffed.

"Mendo?" Ranma asked, tapping his chin. “Mendo… mendo….”

“The guy who invited us to that vacation just a week ago?” Akane asked incredulously.

 "Oh yeah! That guy? What’s he doing?" Ranma asked.

"Airen help Shampoo! And Ukyo too she suppose... We need to beat him in cooking contest!"

"Since you're the one he's angry at, it's only right you step to the plate and help us out Ranchan! If anyone can beat him, it's you."

And now, we see the fabled 'play on his pride' tactic. Ranma Saotome is quite well known for not backing down from a challenge when someone ticks him off. Play on his pride. It's the ideal way to get him to play ball. Never fails. Right?

"You girls must think I'm really stupid or something, no way am I getting involved."

Or not.

"A cooking contest...?" Akane mused. "He'll have the best chefs in the world lined up for that..."

"The best human chefs?" Lum said equally thoughtfully. The same wheels were turning in both of their brains. Neither one of them was exactly a great cook, by human standards at least. Akane was improving, little by little, but... the chance to see a true professional at work? That's a chance that comes but once a lifetime. If they could get to see that contest themselves, they could pick up on a few things from watching!

Just then, Konatsu appeared in the middle of the room and bowed.

"I return with news," Konatsu humbly said, as if they did anything else. "The competitors that the Mendo family has hired, as well as the judges."

 A scroll was presented, ornate and golden. 

Akane grabbed the scroll off the arrow and unfurled it. "This is... this is!"

"What? What is it?!"

"It's an advertisement!"

 Everyone fell over at this. Because yes, of course they did. Of course the wealthy family had written out an advertisement. It almost defeated the purpose of Konatsu going in that building to start with!

"The rules of the Great Cook Off. Sponsored by the Mendo family, and written to be completely fair so that the losers will absolutely know their rightful place in the world." Akane then proceeded to roll her eyes so hard that it made her take a step backwards. "Competitor #1: The foreign girl in danger of being expelled from the country, hailing from a backwater village in the middle of nowhere. Shampoo. Competitor #2: The boyish okonomiyaki obsessed degenerate who attended a boy's school while in truth being a girl, Ukyo Kuonji."

“I am going to kill him.” Ukyo said.

"Get in line," Shampoo darkly added.

"Competitor #3: An expert in takoyaki, Hayato Myojin."

"Noooo, not him," Ukyo groaned. "That idiot?! He's almost as bad as Tsubasa!"

“Who?” Ranma said.

“The guy who wore that dumb octopus mask!” Ukyo said.

“Huh…” Ranma thought for a moment, “Oh yeah that guy!

"Competitor #4: A team of pretty warriors, who jumped at the chance to confront Shampoo once again: Pink and Link."

“Who?”

“Ranma do you remember <b>anybody</b> who doesn’t show up to our house on a regular basis!?” Akane whapped him on the side of the head with a paper fan.

"I met a lot of weirdos on the road with pops, when you do that you only bother remembering the ones that keep coming after you," Ranma said. Earning himself another whap with the paper fan for obviously provoking trouble from weirdos.

"Anyway, they not chefs. They horticulturalists," Shampoo complained. "Oh well, after bad article they get written about airen, is good chance for revenge."

"All competitors chosen by the Mendo family are being protected at a randomly selected Mendo mansion somewhere in the country, so don't even bother trying to reach them in advance," Akane continued to read. "No smashing down doors, or sending in your subpar 'kunoichi genius' after them, as we have already taken full precautions for their safety. To ensure impartiality, a panel of the finest judges in Japan will be assigned, and they will not know in advance which dish belongs to which competitor."

"Well, that sounds reasonable," Ryuunosuke said.

"The judges are: Mister Fujinami, who retired from being a food critic two decades back."

"My old man?!"

"These things happen, tcha," Lum sagely nodded. "I didn't know a lot about my parent's own history until -"

"Cherry, who writes weekly articles for Free Food Monthly."

This is where Lum joined Ryuunosuke in staring into space.

"The Gambling King, Picolet Chardin, and Kinnosuke Kashao. Ranma, we're avoiding this event as if it was Happosai turned into a giant cat. Got it?"

"Gee, it's almost as if someone scoured our past and dredged up the most annoying people money could buy, explicitly to annoy us," Ranma deadpanned. "But who would ever do that, why waste soooo much money, unless you don't see money as anything but a tool to use to get other people to dance to your strings."

"Is that not what money is?" asked a new voice, because apparently this scene didn't have enough characters in it. This time, it was a girl being carried in by, apparently, ninjas on a seat that looked so comfortable that Konatsu could feel himself going into debt just by looking at it. "I am Ryoko Mendo, the little sister of the fool that is troubling you all."

"Oh, handy hostage!" Shampoo quipped. She was then surrounded by several ninja. None of whom really posed a threat to her, in Ranma's estimation... but he had the feeling there were a lot of them around.

“Please don’t hospitalize my dear kokuro. They will throw themselves at you endlessly.”

"So what are you doing here?" Ukyo asked. "Come to sneer down at the plight of the common man?"

"Oh, not at all," Ryoko said. "I am here to offer some measure of support. I have nothing but sympathy for the 'plight of the common man', as you put it." To Ranma's ears that sounded like 'I don't like my brother very much and want to mess with his head.'

"You're going to help?" Akane asked. "That's very -"

And then, yet another Character entered the scene, quickly zipping up to Ryoko with yen signs in her eyes. Enter Nabiki.

"Ryoko Mendo?" Nabiki asked. "The sole daughter of the Mendo group?" Replace those question marks with 'ca-ching' sounds, and you get the general idea of what she sounded like just now. "Nabiki Tendo, pleased to meet you."

"... Did I just hear an ominous thunderbolt?" Ranma asked. "I didn't see any clouds in the sky."

“No, that's just me.” Lum said, “I sensed Darling hitting on a girl.” Elsewhere Yuka thanked whatever god had clearly been watching over her for punishing this weirdo.

"You know, I had some quite fascinating business ideas, real potential for startups," Nabiki said. "Exactly what sort of thing a younger daughter might want to make use of to impress her parents, get them to maybe give her a bit more control than she would normally have...?"

"I'll be sure to add them to the suggestions, though it might take a century or so to get to them at this point," Ryoko said.

All present felt like they were witnessing something... terrifying. A meeting the likes of which should not have happened, and yet it had. Right before their very eyes, something dreadful and wicked was unfolding.

"Oh, that probably gave the completely wrong impression," Nabiki said. "It might have made it seem like I was only interested in getting to know you for your money and power."

"Quite alright, I respect a touch of honesty," Ryoko smoothly replied.

“Well then perhaps we can talk business tomorrow over lunch?” Nabiki asked.

"I think I can squeeze in a little time," Ryoko said. Then she sort of looked Nabiki up and down in a kind of weird way. "You seem quite interesting. I look forward to... getting to know you better."

"Likewise," Nabiki replied.

"... Are they flirting?" Ukyo asked. "It's not me, right? They're absolutely flirting with each other."

"Why do I have the sudden urge to get off this planet?" Lum asked.

"Dunno, but can you take me with you?" Ryuunosuke asked. "I'm getting that feeling too."