Story: Ero Space

I need a few option suggestions for this one. I did have two ideas for potential options, but I'd really like to hear your takes on who they should be.


To Kyon’s horror/mild irritation, the choice was taken out of his hands when the door to the Brigade’s clubroom opened up and revealed the end boss herself. Thankfully she was in her usual uniform, but less thankfully there was a rather cruel and wicked grin on her face which was absolutely anything but a good sign. Whenever he saw that particular twinkle in her eye, it usually meant that she had a new and exciting brand of nonsense that she wished to expose him to. In a setting like this, it might be best for Kyon if he didn’t use words like “expose”. God only knows how it might be interpreted if he accidentally voiced it!

Then again, wasn’t god technically in front of him just now? There was a thought. Maybe Kyon could talk her out of it? Maybe, if she would only listen to - Not reason. Not with Haruhi. But if he found a way to convince her that things would be more interesting with the world the way it was supposed to be… Kyon tried to talk, but no sound came out. Instead, more words appeared in front of him.

“Unmistakable Boss of All That She Purveys Haruhi: Very clever! Hiding in the very first place anyone else would look! Kyon! What do you have to say for yourself?”

Options appeared in front of him, but they all amounted to the same thing. Confusion, bafflement, indifference, protestations of innocence. None of these things would work against Haruhi Suzumiya on a rampage, but then again what ever did? He picked the second of them, but before the text could even come up on screen Haruhi reached forward and grabbed his tie. “Your Supreme Ruler and Master Haruhi: Come on! I’ll pretend to listen to your excuse later. Koizumi has found four potential candidates!”

The words “Candidates for what?” flew across his mind and, to his regret, also the text box. He heard a sound like Haruhi’s laughter.

“Most Exciting Human You’ll Ever Meet Haruhi: Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten already! That’s just like you. People that aren’t normal, dummy! Aliens or time travelers or espers or sliders or fairies or whatever!”

Caught up in her pace once again. There really wasn’t anything else for Kyon to do at this point except go with the flow. On the other hand… A series of options had just come up in front of him. Maybe he could put a quicker end to this than he first thought?

“You’ve put your hair up in a ponytail today,” he said. More options appeared, and he went with the obvious one for the desired result. “Looks nice.”

“Stop trying to change the subject!” Haruhi commanded. “If you think flattery will get you anywhere, you’ve not been paying attention.”

So much for that. Still. She did look very nice in the ponytail. Definite thumbs up. Kyon looked at his heart meter just in case, and let out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness. This girl wasn’t the sort to fall for any of the mundane kind of seduction tactics you see in stories anyway. What did they call it? Genre savviness? Hrm. And on top of that, she created this world in the first place. Which meant -

Which meant that they really could have found some “interesting” people. A game designed by Haruhi’s unconscious? That was absolutely a possibility. No, more than that. A certainty. And considering the genre, they were almost certainly…

“Advice Giver Koizumi: So glad you could make it!”

Oh, good, this smiling bastard. Kyon sighed a little bit wearily. An advice giver? That rather explained what was happening here. He was still in the tutorial section of the game. Honestly. Did all games these days have to lead you by the nose like this? What happened to elegant design explaining how to play the game? What happened to visual cues and learning curves? Except… Hadn’t Yuki already covered this part? She had explained all the menus, the goal of the game, pretty much everything that he’d need to know.

Except how to seduce girls into joining his harem. Kyon winced a little bit at the possible implications of what was about to happen here. He didn’t care for it. No, sir. Not one bit! He would not sit by and watch Koizumi seduce some poor, unsuspecting girl who had no idea of his real personality. (Then again, Kyon wasn’t sure he properly understood that personality either.)

“Sexiest Thing Alive Haruhi: I leave this idiot in your capable hands. Give him your report on -”

Suddenly, the air around them seemed to shimmer and shudder. Kyon blinked and looked around himself as much as his limited movement was able to permit. Haruhi had completely frozen in place. The air around them… This atmosphere! This was the same as -

“Advice Giver Koizumi: Ah, forgive me. This is not Closed Space, if that is what you are thinking. Instead, we have entered a mode of gameplay known as Ero Space. Think of it as an opportunity to freely experiment with the game’s mechanics without the risk of a game over.”

Another list of options, and Kyon rolled his eyes. Very well then. “What is Ero Space?” was the first one, so he went with that.

“Advice Giver Koizumi: Ero Space is a special game mode which you may purchase from me by the use of Ero Points. It will enable you to enter a situation, freely explore all dialogue possibilities until you would normally reach a game over, or are satisfied that you have learned all you need to. As soon as you leave Ero Space, you will be returned to the point in time and space that you entered it, with all knowledge that you have learned from your time within.”

Alright. “What are Ero Points?”

“Advice Giver Koizumi: The first time you perform a particular Erotic Action, you will acquire a point. One instance of Ero Space will cost you five points, so be sure to find creative ways to behave like a pervert.”

Of course. Because that’s how this damn game worked. There was so much to keep track of, but then who would expect anything less from Haruhi’s muddled and brilliant mind?

“What else can I do with Ero Points?”

“Advice Giver Koizumi: A single point may be used to purchase a piece of advice from myself on likely activities that will add to your harem.  Here is a freebie: Avoid the SOS Brigade Club members for now. Certainly until you have acquired at least five harem members. In addition, all that is technically required to add a girl to your harem is to convince them to deliberately perform an erotic activity with you. My, it’s almost as if this game were seeking out your inner hentai.”

Tsk. Don’t need to hear that from you! That was all the options anyway. What else did he have to say? Just a shame there wasn’t an option for asking if there were any more info-dumps. Or an option where you could make a joke about Koizumi’s ever-present grin right to his stupid face.

“Advice Giver Koizumi: In a moment, Haruhi Suzumiya will be unfrozen. At that time, please feel free to try to seduce her to gain an understanding of how the game works. The obstacles you must face should be experienced in order to be understood correctly. Remember, as this is your first free visit to Ero Space, it is delivered for free. Pick whichever option you like.”

Whichever option he liked? He was supposed to try to seduce Haruhi already? Alright. Fine. Might as well get it over with. He’d simply try every option in order, to see the results.

Option 1: “I hear there’s a new movie coming out this weekend. Interested?”

“Nobody Does It Better Haruhi: You don’t have time to see some crummy movie! We’re staking out these four girls, remember? Such a mundane thing to do.”

Strike one. A heart broke, and… And Kyon gulped nervously. There was a strange stirring in his trousers that he couldn’t explain. It was as though somehow, being refused by Haruhi made him feel… Attracted to her. Incredibly attracted. As in, he knew already that she was pretty but it was as though he had been made hyper aware of it all of a sudden. But all he could do was scroll down to the second option, and this time he did sort of hope that it would work. Even though he knew it would not. Straightforward and Haruhi went together like ice and fire: Destructive to all parties involved.

Option 2: “I hope we’re on the stakeout team together.”

“Too Tsundere to Be Real Haruhi: Well, we’re not. So deal with it.”

Another heart, and the feeling intensified. Kyon already couldn’t take his eyes away from her, but now… The feeling was like an active volcano had erupted within his chest. And was threatening to do so within his trousers. The connection to the hearts breaking was obvious. Inevitable. As if he didn’t have enough motivation to save the world already! Instead of choosing the final option, he cancelled Ero Space to preserve his own sanity. The desire faded, but the memory lingered. And memory has such a funny way of playing tricks on the libido. The three options came up again, each a clumsy attempt to ask her out. Kyon willed it to cancel, and mercifully the dialogue moved on.

“Advice Giver Koizumi: As I was saying. There are four girls, and each of them might have something very unusual about them indeed. If I may, would it be alright if Kyon here talked to them all one at a time discreetly? With myself giving advice from afar, and you observing at a distance.”

Haruhi didn’t say anything. Just gave a slightly irritated nod of her (beautiful, worshipful) head. But now he was starting to understand exactly what Koizumi was up to here. He was trying to set him up with “easy” to seduce girls, so that he could move on, use their abilities, and… Ugh, this game. The sooner he got this over with the better! Pictures of the four girls flashed in front of him, and -

No. Really? That could not possibly be correct. Those four? But they were… Surely these girls never attended this school. They didn’t even attend this reality, so far as he could see! Alas, it seemed to be the case. Four fictional girls set up for him to try to seduce in a game. What had his life become? And which of these fictional girls would he be going for first?