Story: Konosuba Friendship Orb

 

Ever do something you're not meant to? Chris was in that situation. In that situation by dint of her very existence, you might say. Why might you say that? Because Chris, the cute thief with a heart of gold, did not exist. She was a fake identity employed by the Goddess Eris so that she may freely visit this realm to check stuff out.

And right about now, she had a bad feeling about things going on around here. For one thing: The adventurer's guild was calling for a celebration. Pulling in all of its members for reasons beyond Chris' (hence, the Goddess Eris) ability to comprehend. Why would they do this? There was no national holiday. If any of the Demon King's Generals had been slain, then she would have surely heard of it through other channels. No reason was given, but there was little question that people would flock to it.

The reason for that being 'free beer', as per the advertisement of the event.

The only adventurers that would resist such an offer weren't yet old enough to drink. A fact that was so transparent, so obvious that, taken with the fact there was no reason for the event at all led her to one simple conclusion.

"This is a trap," she said. "It's a more obvious trap than a lone treasure chest sitting in the middle of an empty room, clean of mould and dust, surrounded by skeletons reaching towards it. A treasure chest which twitched ever so slightly of its own volition, while a spotlessly clean sword, shield and full set of armour inexplicably hovered in the air directly next to it."

She tilted her head to think on that. Actually, if there was a gelatinous cube in the same room as a mimic, it would have probably eaten the mimic. Even so, that's the sort of room that any adventurer would be wary of. Save those doomed to die.

"Free beer! Wooo!"

Oh, saints preserve, but this kingdom... this very world itself, might well be doomed. Even if she were to shed her mortal disguise right here and now, Chris was not entirely certain that there would be any capability of saving the world from the wrath of the Demon King. Not when everyone was foolishly rushing into the room in the attempt to acquire 'free loot'.

She couldn't do this alone anyway. What was needed here was a little assistance. Aqua and her party might be for the best, so she would have to seek her out... Not because she wanted to see Kazuma, of course. That would be quite improper! A Goddess having a crush on a mere mortal was very... inappropriate! None of the rules would permit it, obviously!

Ahem.

Aqua was the sensible one to contact for such a matter anyway, because her innate ability to purify things would enable her to undo whatever trap was involved at a moment's notice. Whatever else she might think of that airheaded, ditzy, large breasted hourglass figured clumsy idiot, she was, after all, Eris' direct superior and therefore someone she should defer to, and she was absolutely the right person for the job. When it came down to time to doing her actual duty, she did display a rather high level of competence, and -

"Noooo, Darkness, don't spank this naughty Goddess again, lest you fall into sin~"

And was also putting her ass on display. On her knees, face down on the pavement, butt up in the air, her tiny blue skirt hiding pretty much nothing at all, while her invisible underwear gave Eris another complex. Really now? She already had nice boobs, did she have to have a nice ass too?

A nice ass with a red shine to it. It was practically glowing. In fact, looking more closely, the red marks seemed to be shaped like a hand. Someone had spanked Aqua into total submission. She was even wiggling her butt around in the air, like a dog wagging its tail.

Oh dear. This would not do! This would not do at all! Had it anything to do with the mysterious invitation? Possibly! Taking Aqua out of commission would be a reasonable move... if one knew what she was capable of. In which case, it might well be a coincidence? Or maybe not. This line of thinking wasn't getting her anywhere. Chris had to act quickly. Snap Aqua out of this funk, and do so without using her Goddess powers. Ah... But as a thief, what could she do? None of her skills were suitable for something like this!

Unless... She leaned down, and put her mouth next to Aqua's ear. Then whispered a certain phrase she knew would have the right effect.

"Praise be to Eris~"

Chris immediately shot back, and good thing too because Aqua rose to her feet whiplike quick.

"Who? What? Where? How dare you praise that flat chested Goddess who has to use padding?!"

"Ah! It's not padding, it's - It's the blessings of - " Chris began, but bit her tongue. Besides the point! "Aqua! There's something strange going on at the guild!"

"Are they worshipping Eris there?" Aqua asked, with a hard snarl. Then she started to rub at her backside, jumping just a little bit. "Oooh, that smarts! Darkness shall pay for that humiliation! What's going on at the guild?"

"Well, they're offering free beer-  And she's gone."

Right. That's right. Aqua was pretty competent at her job when she was doing it. Healing, purifying, all that stuff. Really damned good at it. The problem was actually making her take the matter seriously in any capacity. Of course, she'd focus on the 'free booze' part. Never mind that she'd probably wind up purifying it all and turning it into water when she tried to drink it.

Oh well. In that case, the best thing to do would be hurrying off to see what was going on at the guild. While it might be walking into a trap, she could hardly do anything about it by staying away, could she?

Now, what did she find when she got there? The answer: A big queue all the way down the street. Aqua was hovering towards the back of it, jumping up to take a look past. As for Chris herself, she jumped up to the nearby rooftop and saw...

Megumin. Another member of that party. She was at the door, with the registration book, or maybe a copy of it. Using it to check off the names of those coming in, and - Hrm? What was that orb she was holding...?

It was magic. Definitely magic, no doubt about it. Her senses as a Goddess were telling her it was extremely bad news, and her senses as a Thief were insisting that the thing she was looking at right now was also Extremely Valuable and Rare.

She watched from afar, as Megumin greeted an adventurer at the door, the orb shimmered, some magical energy transferred between them and... the adventurer's attitude shifted completely.

Aha~ She'd found the trap!

And here's the funny thing. She was the perfect class to do something about it! She didn't need to wade in like a warrior. Going in like that to the front of the guild was suicide anyway. No, no! This was a better idea! A stealthy, sneaky measure which would save the day instantly! The special move of the Thief class!

"Steal!" she announced, and unlike Kazuma, she would not be taking anyone's underwear today! In a moment's notice, she had the strange orb sitting in the palm of her hand. Not that she was waiting long enough to stick around to take a look at it, because she had to get the hell out of here before they noticed! Which meant... using her Stealth skill to retreat!

The plan then was fairly simple. She'd have to find someone that was quite adept with magic and <i>become their close friend</i> so that her brand new friend could analyse the magic of this orb and neutralise whatever wicked effect it had on those around it! Kukuku, what a smart Goddess she was! And the best part of it was that before too long she'd make lots of super fun friends!

Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends...