And so it was that Kazuma found himself in what was very quickly becoming a stock position. Head down on a table, weary of the terrible world he'd found himself in and the party he had been saddled with. They had won. They had obtained quite a substantial amount of gold and experience. However... At what cost? It had taken Aqua a whole hour to heal him. An hour. Of misery. After a shot to the balls so terrible it had almost killed him even with this item that cut damage in half. He had endured such pain. For an hour. Before she had the slightest inclination of healing him.
"Ta-da! Kazuma Kazuma! I learned a new party trick!"
The useless Goddess was holding out a deck of cards towards him as if offering him a pick. Kazuma reluctantly and sleepily lifted his hand while mumbling "yes, yes, I am Kazuma," then he drew a card at random.
"The Eight of Spades!" Aqua immediately said, excited like a spoiled puppy. Kazuma didn't even look at the card. He wasn't sure if he'd be more disappointed if she got it right, or got it wrong. Either way she would find a way to disappoint him, so whatever.
"Kazuma! Kazuma!" (yes, yes, I am still Kazuma) Darkness begged, on her knees, clutching tightly onto his leg. A little too tightly! Ah! If his damage wasn't being reduced by half, the circulation in his leg would be cut off by now! "Don't be so mean! Don't kick me out of the party! Don't treat me like a used up, washed up dishcloth and throw me out with the trash!"
She then stopped to wipe at her mouth. Her actions and her words were not matching in the slightest!
"Waaaah, don't replace me! I'll do <i>anything</i> to stay in the party! I'll even - Oh! How wicked! Kazuma, Kazuma (seriously, I am still Kazuma) to think that you would indulge in such sin and vice! Oooh! How thrilling!"
The other patrons in the bar were doing their very best to not pay attention to them. This was surprisingly easier for them than one might expect. Presumably by now they were used to his party's inane antics.
"Megumin! Pick a card!" Aqua yelled, obscenely thrusting her deck of cards right into Megumin's face.
"Eh? What treachery is this?" Megumin asked, trying her best to sound cool. "Could it be that you intend to seal the infernal pact with me, by trickery?" she pulled back her hand, then snatched a card away in a ridiculously over the top gesture. "You underestimate my spiritual power! I shall turn this spell back at you -"
"Queen of Diamonds!" Aqua cheered.
"Eh?! So it is! But how did you - Ahem! S-Such magic is as nothing before the invincible explosion spell! Why, it barely even phased me, and it is so obvious how you did that, that I shall not embarrass you by announcing it to the entire world! Hohohoho!"
Seriously, Megumin. Don't waste your experience even more than you already had by trying to learn a party trick. Besides: knowing you such a 'trick' would involve blowing up the 'party' anyway.
This was his fate. Perhaps being a NEET had been a grave sin and this was in fact his own personal hell. A hell where he was surrounded by girls that hit various different types of fetish, but were such a burden on his life that he couldn't even appreciate the physical attractive qualities they had.
"Ah, ah! Megumin! No alcohol for you!"
"Awwww!"
Yeah... No question of it. Solona had been useful. Competent. Not perfect, her kleptomania had caused some problems to be sure. But that was much easier to plan around then say, everything Aqua did. But someone with a problem you had to plan around was a million times better than a trio of millstones around your neck you had to fling around to try and accomplish anything!
"Uwah! Kazuma!" Darkness cooed, rubbing her cheek into his arm. "Are you falling into the depths of despair? Don't be greedy! Share your misery! Kazuma! Inflict your misery upon meeee!"
And now that sunshine of competence was gone from his life. It was true what they said. Hell's worst punishment was the merest glimpse of heaven. There wasn't a chance in hell that she would stick around after seeing these bumbling -
"Hoooo! Nothing like a good beer to relax after a dungeon dive!"
Over in the corner, a patron complained about their beer going missing before they even had a sip, but Kazuma ignored him. He stared at the thief sitting at their table like nothing was wrong. She was a mirage. An illusion spell. Or something. Any moment now she'd tell him she was leaving, and then -
"Solona! Pick a card!" Aqua demanded. Solona did so without a peep. "The Ace of Hearts! And also the Jack of Clubs, you sneaky thief!"
<i>“Sugoi!</i> Very impressive Aqua!” Solona clapped at the party trick, being the only person yet to actually look impressed. What a wonderful use of experience, useless Goddess. "You guys are really fun! I have to say, I got lucky this time to join such a closely knit party!"
If you listened closely, you might hear the 'klong'. For Kazuma it was rather hard to miss. It was the sound of his brain falling through his body, hitting his feet and then bouncing back up to where it started.
"Ahahaha!" Aqua laughed, slapping Solona on the back. "I knew it, I knew it! You were impressed by how we handled those giant frogs, right?"
"What giant frogs?" Solona asked.
"Ah, those giant frogs we - "
"What. Giant. Frogs...?!" Solona interrupted, suddenly standing up and gripping Aqua's shoulders very tightly while her eyes went almost totally pale.
Note to self, Kazuma thought: No more frog hunting.
"Eh?! You - you can't mean it!" Darkness wailed. "Nooo, Kazuma! Don't kick me out of the party!" Good lord she was practically humping his leg now.
"Kick you out of the party?" Solona asked. "Why would we do that? It's perfectly legal to have five member parties."
Huh? Huh? There was another 'klong' sound, if you listened for it.
"In fact, that's probably the best balance for this party," Solona continued. "A high level destructive mage, a healer, a tank, a thief and a versatile leader to motivate and strategise." When she put that way the party sounded competent and useful!
"Hooray!" Megumin cheered, putting her hand in front of her face and adopting a silly dramatic pose. "Salutations! May our enemies tremble in fear, and pray for a mercy that shall never arrive! For now, at last, our adventuring party is whole!"
Aqua leaned over the table to flick him on the head. "Hey, Kazuma! You must be really happy to have another party member."
Once again Aqua had managed to completely misread the situation. In fact, Kazuma was starting to sweat from the strain. Solona... wanted to stay in the party? After seeing how worthless those others were? After Darkness was so lewd that she literally frightened off the boss monster they were in the middle of fighting?!
“I’ve been an adventurer for decades and you’re the most interesting party I’ve seen!”
Doom! Despair! Gloom! There must be something wrong with her! Finding this party interesting and not wanting to run away to view it from a safe distance? Joining up with them on a permanent basis? That was the most insane thing Kazuma had heard anyone ever do! And he knew Aqua, Megumin and Darkness! Weird how that served as two different kinds of evidence for how crazy this decision was, but - still!
Even he wanted out of this crazy party! Why would anyone in their right mind want to join? Answer: Because they weren't in their right mind. There was something wrong with Solona. Something worse than the kleptomania. Something that would bite them in the ass right when he dropped his guard and -
"Thanks for having me, Kazuma!" Solona said, bopping forward and kissing him right on the nose. "Heee! Mind if I take my stuff back to your place? Promise not to steal anything... Big. Or expensive..."
And just like that the thief sauntered off out of the bar, hips swaying like she was a young woman instead of a really old one(Elves man. What’s up with those!) as if she wasn't going to become a major headache for him in the future. Kazuma let his head fall facefirst onto the table, it was the only way he could deal with this!
Of course, he didn't really notice that the three girls he had been travelling with already were all glowering at Solona with a jealousy that most of them didn't really understand.
<hr>
Meanwhile, in the corner of the bar, there were two girls with ridiculously large breasts and, for some reason, fake beards. They took a sip of their drinks and laughed with deep voices that were so obviously put ons that it was a wonder nobody gave them a second look.
Actually, plenty of people were giving them looks. It was just that they weren't looking above the neck, so they weren't even noticing the beards.
"Something must have kicked his ass something fierce," one of them whispered to the other. "Wow, but that's a whole heaping load of lust energy. I could probably feed off that for a month."
"Now, now, we're not trying to feed," her sister said, giving her a sharp elbow. "We're just trying to make them so horny that they leave us alone. That's all."
They took another sip of beer. One of them tsked, took the beard off and then took the sip, then put the beard back on. Masters of seduction they may be. Masters of disguise, not so much.
"So... aren't we basically done already then?" the first of them asked. "I mean, if that guys stubs his toe, those girls are gonna start seeing dicks everywhere they look."
"The penis threshold is a myth, no woman can actually get <i>that</i> horny," the other replied, wagging her finger. "Can't believe you buy into that nonsense. Next you'll be telling me that you think that you can get pregnant from lesbian orgasms.”
“But Cousin Middl-”
“She lied. She got frisky with a Centaur on a drunken bet.”
"Ohhh!" That's why the little imp has those hooves?"
"Can we please focus on those cute idiots over there instead of our idiot cousin?"
They both fell silent for a moment there. Neither quite sure what to say next. Eventually, they both asked the same question in unison: "So what now?"
They both drummed their fingers on the table in front of them and pretended that they weren't trying to work out whether or not that Goddess was wearing underwear beneath that stupidly short skirt.
“You noticed the jealousy the girls had when that elf kissed him?” The slightly older one, Lefty said. “The lust he’s pouring out is making them want him, and seeing another walk in on their territory is riling them up.” They all already cared about him, so him putting out lust turned those feelings of friendship and attraction to a more sexual thing.
"Yeah, but.. I think they're trying to ignore it. Which isn't exactly healthy." Righty added. "Hrm... Maybe we ought to be encouraging the wizard and the crusader to use their items as well?"
That... actually sounded like a plan. The two Succubus turned to grin at each other.
"I'll take the wizard," Lefty said. "You take the crusader. Deal?"
"Deal!" Righty smirked. "Shouldn't be too difficult to get the ball rolling.” The Crusader will be getting more and more of an exhibitionist, and it was clearly already affecting her already, and with the mage growing more and more interested in women… well it wouldn’t be long before they all take out their lust on each other! “Soon enough our shop won't have a single solitary thing to worry about."
- A certain Duke gets worried about his daughter and sends some men to go and find her.
- It turns out Solona is secretly investigating the succubus shop.
- Lefty meets Yunyun and comes up with a cunning plan.
- The next day, Kazuma finds more work for the party.
- Something else
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