Story: Akane the Half Alien

By this point Shampoo would have believed almost anyone would drop by the Tendo dojo. Oh, what's that? The Pope dropped by for dinner? Give us a second, we'll be right there with some Catholic themed ramen pronto!

"So, this is kitchen destroyer family?" Shampoo asked, not remotely caring that she was being quite rude and insulting towards Akane in front of her cousin, aunt and uncle.

"Bwahaha! Do you hear that?" the big ogre wearing a tiger print tuxedo laughed so hard it shook Shampoo's bones. "Cute li'l Akane's so good at cooking that she destroys kitchens!"

"Qrne, V'z cerggl fher guvf ovgpu vf vafhygvat Akane evtug gb ure snpr," Mrs Invader serenely replied.

This... this explained too, too much. The girl that was the bane of her existence was related to demons. The foul temper, the plain looks which nonetheless bewitched men, the truly terrible cooking skills. But now Akane had cast aside the glamour and revealed her true form! And was wearing a really slutty looking tiger striped Bikini, clearly to further ensnare Ranma by extreme compensation for her lack of sex appeal.

In which case, it was up to her to rescue her darling airen from this wicked family before they -

"Hey, cutie! What's your name? Your measurements? Your address? Your phone number?"

Before they inflicted this personality on any more innocent people! Shampoo punted him into the next garden - and he was back next to her, rubbing his cheek against her shoulder a moment later. How the hell?!

"Playing hard to get?"

"No," Shampoo replied. "If Shampoo play hard to get, all bones in body be shattered into too too tiny pieces."

"Oooh, that accent makes you seem even cuter!"

"Daaaaahhhhliiiiing!"

And now she was being shocked for her trouble. Well. It was either this or spend the evening in the same general vicinity as Mousse. This was still an upgrade.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to shock you as well!" said the other girl in the slutty tiger print bikini who Shampoo had only recently felt the urge to murder with her bare hands. "Darling is very full of energy and needs to be reminded to behave himself."

"Darling needs hand chopped off," Shampoo groused. Ohhh, it would take hours to fix up her hair! Out of the corner of her eye she could see Akane trying very hard not to smirk. Ooh! Shampoo turned up her nose. She'd get hers in the due course of time! Of course, she didn't see that Ranma was smiling quite openly like a jackass.

"Hi, I'm Lum!" the new slut said, extending a hand. Shampoo stared at it for a moment, then shook it. This girl was levitating a little off the ground. "It's nice to meet one of Akane's friends."

"Friend?" Shampoo repeated like she'd just swallowed a mouthful of dirt mixed with rancid lemon juice.

"Ah, now Lum! I'm not sure that you can really call them friends, exactly!" Mister Tendo attempted to correct.

"More like besties," Nabiki added, blatantly for her own amusement. This earned her a sharp elbow from Akane. Obviously held it back, otherwise that would have hurt the girl a lot more.

Lum, unfortunately, took Nabiki's statement to heart. “Oh that’s great! Akane’s a sweetie and I’d love to meet some friends of hers!” Even if there was some kind of weird complicated thing with Ranma between them.

"She's not my friend!" Akane yelled.

"Shampoo hate Akane guts!"

"Oh, the pair of you!" Lum laughed. "You know, that reminds me of my relationship with Ran..."

Ran? Shampoo stopped cold at that. Was that... a cute nickname for Ranma? That Ukyo girl called him Ran-chan on occasion. Could it be that - No, it wasn't possible! Then again, Ranma was very handsome. It was entirely believable that Akane's slutty cousin would also fall for him! Certainly a step up from the limpet over there.

Or... was that all it was? Looking around, Shampoo didn't see human beings. That was for sure. Those two over there and Lum, they were blatantly demons of some kind.

"Qrne, V qba'g yvxr gur jnl gung fyhggl juber vf ybbxvat ng lbh," Mrs Invader smiled warmly. "Vs fur qbrfa'g phg vg bhg V'z tbvat gb znxr gur rnegu fjnyybj ure hc."

"Ahahaha, sweetie! That's a really funny joke!" Mr Invader laughed uproariously. As if he laughed any other way. "Soun, Soun! Drink up, drink up! You've barely touched your drink at all! I know you have a stronger stomach than that, now!" (Soun, who was still glowing, dimly pulled his glass up to his face.)

No question of it. Their goal was Ranma Saotome! And they were pulling out all the stops to get him. Since Akane wasn't working, they were pulling in a ringer: This Lum girl. And oh, Shampoo had to admit that it was quite the ringer. Even she was catching herself checking that body out. Grr! This made Shampoo feel really, really angry!

One might expect a warrior like Shampoo to leap into action when she got this angry. Well, yes. Normally that's exactly what she would do. Scream something like "I kill!" and then set about a-killing. Not so much here. She'd already seen what Lum could do. Flying? Electricity generating? She could probably deal with that. Shampoo was plenty strong and super fast.

So... What about the other two? What could they do? Right now Shampoo was smack dab in the middle of enemy territory. You never pick a fight on enemy territory unless one of two things is true: Defeat is inevitable if you do not, or success is inevitable if you do. Neither of these were true in this current situation.

Besides which, until she revealed their true duplicitous nature any violence inflicted upon them would reflect badly on her in her airen's eyes.

It takes more than strength and skill to be a mighty warrior. It also takes strategy. And an important part of strategy is to collect intelligence. She had seen this “Lum” on TV, but she needed to know more about her as a person! Pick out her strengths and weaknesses!

"Ohohoho," Shampoo forced herself to laugh while looking her enemy dead in the eyes. "Well, you is too too nice! Shampoo like to hear more about Lum, she seem too too interesting."

"Oh, well. There isn't much to tell really," Lum said. "I'm an Oni from outer space, and I'm engaged to a truly wonderful man. He's handsome, so full of energy and has this wicked sense of humour."

Ranma. She must be talking about Ranma. The limpet that she'd brought with her was a rather obvious distraction. A woman of her looks would be playing above her league if she settled for someone like him. On the other hand, Ranma Saotome...

"Hey pops, don't think I didn't see you trying to grab my noodles!"

Sigh! So charming, so strong, so blissfully unaware of the danger he was in!

"Gung ovgpu vf qrsvavgryl cynaavat ba fgrnyvat Akane'f zna. Lum qrne, pbhyq lbh gnxr gur hajnagrq gebyybc ryfrjurer? Fbzrjurer rira n genful ovgpu yvxr ure jba'g or noyr gb pnhfr zvfpuvrs."

"Okay, mom! If you're sure!" Lum called, suddenly drifting away from Shampoo. "Sorry, you know how mothers can be. Say, Ranma? You don't mind if we talk about that little trip just now. Do ya?"

Ranma made a grunting noise. His mouth was full of delicious ramen, so that was only natural.

"Well, I wanted to check on something with you about that alien planet we went to? For the contest? I was hoping you could show me a few of those skills you used, I didn't think a human being could do that..."

"Shampoo come as well!" Shampoo immediately leaped to her feet. "Shampoo is also strong martial artist! Shampoo be big, big help!"

Or rather a big, big hindrance. To whatever sinister plan was being cooked up by these Oni aliens to seduce her airen away! Heh! She shot a smug look at Akane, who was not invited to come along.

"Tbbqarff, ohg V qvqa'g guvax fur jbhyq or n fghcvq ovgpu nf jryy nf na vafngvnoyr juber. V'q nfx Yhz gb fcnax ure ohg fur'q cebonoyl trg bss ba vg." Mrs. Invader said in a serene tone.

Mr. Invader looked up from his drinking with his Brother-in-Law and his Brother in Law’s own future Son-In-Law. “You say something dear?”

“Abguvat n zna arrqf gb pbaprea gurzfryirf jvgu qrne.” Mrs. Invader kissed him on the cheek.

"Say, Akane... You're taking that kinda well," Nabiki observed. "There you are. Calmly eating your dinner while your beloved fiance is off galavanting to the training hall with our super sexy scantily clad cousin and the sultry foreign girl who wants to jump his bone. Not a trace of jealousy at all."

"Who'd be jealous?" Akane sniffed. "I have nothing to be jealous of."

And this was right when Ataru decided to behave himself for once and tuck into the yummy smelling ramen. His sleeve bumped into Akane's arm - and then he was shocked half way across the garden for his - Well, that was going to say for his sins, but it would take a hell of a lot more than that to make up for his many sins.

1. Shampoo tries to trick Lum into revealing her evil plans for Ranma.
2. Somehow, Shampoo and Lum become besties by the time this conversation is over. Much to Ranma's woe.
3. Meanwhile, Ran encounters some weirdos in Furinkan.
4. Meanwhile Cologne runs into the worst possible person Cherry.
5. Or maybe worse, he meets Happosai
6. Something Else