Konatsu was a genius kunoichi who came along once every one hundred years. An unparalleled woman ninja, capable of stealth deception and espionage like no other woman. It just so happened that on this occasion, the divine being responsible for ensuring the birth of this genius forgot which way around the X and Y chromosome deal went, and tried to paper things over by making him extremely feminine when it guessed wrong.
Or something like that.
Anyway. Konatsu's family was right out of any fairy tale you may select. That is to say, they were exactly like the wicked step-family you'd see in any kind of work. Which always made this writer feel bad for any real world step-family who only wanted to get along with a youngster who heard the word "wicked" and either followed it up with "witch" or "stepmother". Nonetheless: A wicked stepfamily is exactly what Konatsu had to contend with. They abused him, they belittled him, they mocked him, they treated him as a slave. It was quite unfair, but what could he do? Except from occasionally injecting laxatives into their toothpaste.
In any event: Though Konatsu had little love lost for his 'sisters' and 'mother', he did have a care for their family business. Whether a taking the form of a tea house, cafe, cosplay restaurant, or a Takurazuka theater (that last one failed spectacularly) Konatsu would protect the business his father had founded.. So the sight of two intruders stepping into the premises unannounced and unwanted... well that did rather set off some levers in the old genius kunoichi psychology.
Shame they had to both be such cute girls, though.
<hr>
"It really scares me how easily you broke in here," Ukyo whispered.
Akane snorted and rolled her eyes. Something like this was trivial. They call this a security system? Back in Joketsuzoku just getting into her Great Grandmother’s living room required dodging several laser security beams and a dozen pit traps! Then the most insidious test of all: Resisting her freshly cooked ramen, which had ensnared and thwarted dozens of would be rival assassins.
"Be on the lookout," Akane warned with a whisper. "This place took Ranma, remember. They can't be any kind of slouch."
"Got it," Ukyo said, clinging onto that ridiculous battle spatula as if that was meant to be threatening at all. Oh, whatever. The girl was nice enough, and wouldn't do anything stupid to put Ranma's life in danger.
Well, anyway. Akane wasn't impressed by the interior of this building either. It looked like some kind of dog was living here, or something? A very clean animal at the very least. There was a small box with a mattress over there, a water bowl on the floor nearby... Hold on a second. What sort of use did an animal have for a wardrobe?
"Eeeh!" a tiny voice gasped from the corner of the room. Akane instantly slid into her battle position, ready to fight... Then felt a little silly at the sight of a girl wearing tattered rags cowering in the corner. "Do not hurt lil’ Konatsu! Is only here to clean!"
<hr>
Within Akane's fused soul, two pretty girls were staring out at the ongoing events with, as always, very different perspectives.
"At least I had the excuse of not being native to Japan..." Shampoo mused. "Her Japanese is atrocious."
"A little too atrocious," Akane said. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at this 'Konatsu'. Something about this situation felt a little bit familiar to her. Something about it reminded her of the kind of nonsense that Ranma liked to get up to...
<hr>
Back out in reality, Akane and Ukyo were standing over a cowering wretch calling herself Konatsu. "So you work here, do you?" Akane asked.
"Hey, come on now tough girl!" Ukyo elbowed her. "Can't you see you're frightening this poor thing? Here, you look hungry. A chef like me can't stand the sight of someone that starved."
To Akane's shock, Ukyo pulled out a biscuit... that almost looked like a miniature okonomiyaki. How? How?! No really, how had she been able to bake that? That was - what? Huh? Huh?!
Konatsu stared at the biscuit as though it were the Holy Grail carrying the Ambrosia of the Gods. She sniffed at the biscuit... He sniffed at the biscuit? Akane shook her head. Konatsu sniffed at the biscuit, hesitantly grabbed it from Ukyo, turned around and scarfed it down, then used her rags to dab at her lips and let out a truly genuinely contented sigh.
"So, you work here huh?" Ukyo asked.
"Yes, Konatsu work here long time!" Konatsu said. Then began to count off on her fingers. "One, two, five, ten... What comes after ten? That many years."
"... Have you been to school?"
"Ew! School is devil's place!" Konatsu yelped. "Evil! Bad! Too bad, lalala, no hear about it! Konatsu only clean, live to clean that all!"
At which point Ukyo turned to look towards Akane. This was a look that Akane recognised. Oh yes. She recognised it well. It was the same look that Nabiki had once given their father that one time she wanted a kitty. Yes, Nabiki wanted a kitty. Not for herself to look after, mind. She wanted one that she could stroke on her lap whenever she was having a meeting with someone who owed her money.
It hadn't worked on daddy, it wouldn't work on her.
"No, you cannot keep her," Akane admonished. "You don't know where she's been, or if she's had her shots. We're here to get Ranma back, and that's the end of it!"
"Ranma?" Konatsu gasped. "Oh. If it's Ranma you're after, then you should consider trying that door over there."
Konatsu was pointing at the door in the opposite corner. Both Ukyo and Akane turned to take a look immediately, neither one noticing that Konatsu was now wielding a rather comically oversized mallet...
"That door over there?" Akane asked, turning around again. The mallet disappeared and now Konatsu was whistling innocently while finding something totally fascinating about the ceiling. "Do you mean that Ranma is in there?"
"I... Think so!" Konatsu nodded. "The last I checked, he was in there."
<hr>
"Say, Shampoo?" Inner Akane said. "Did you ever happen to see Ranma score free parfaits?"
"Can't say I did," Shampoo answered.
"Well, he'd turn into his girl form and flirt his way into a free meal," Akane said. "Then there were the times where he'd pretend to be a girl to mess with Ryoga."
“Like, how are we talking about messing with him?” Shampoo asked.
“Well he once pretended to be Ryoga’s sister.” Akane said.
“I didn’t know he had a sister.”
“He doesn’t.”
"Oh," Shampoo said. "He's an idiot. Why bring this up anyway? I don't see why it's relevant."
"Well, it's just that I'm getting this weird feeling about Konatsu," Akane said. "It's the same feeling I got every time I saw Ranma in one of those dumb disguises, pretending to be a girl..."
<hr>
Akane knew well enough not to rush straight towards a closed door when there might be enemies on the other side. Instead she went up to the wall, keeping her back to it while Ukyo stood on the other side. Still holding that battle spatula.
"How many of them are there?" Akane asked.
"Oohh... If Konatsu betray them then Konatsu shall be punished!" Konatsu bemoaned.
Akane nodded at Ukyo. She pulled another biscuit... Another impossible biscuit out of her pocket and hucked it in the air. Konatsu grabbed it like a dog catching a frisbee. "Mmm! Three! There are three!" Konatsu answered, smacking her lips and rubbing her cheek up against Ukyo's thigh.
Outnumbered, huh? Well, that was fine with her. Akane returned her full attention to the door. "Then we'd better be careful about this. Taking on multiple opponents at a time is never easy if you're uncertain of their skill level. I'll take the lead. Ukyo, cover my back. Konatsu, if anyone creeps up behind her then I want you to yell. Got it?"
"Got it!" Konatsu said, drifting back towards the middle of the room. Akane nodded, then held up her hand and counted down from three on her fingers. Then, she kicked open the door and slid inside, making sure she left no blind spots for an enemy to exploit...
But there was no enemy in sight.
"Where are they?" Ukyo asked.
"I'm not sure..." Akane mused. She remained in her fighting position, while Ukyo did the same right next to her. "It's strange. My battle senses are kicking off. Konatsu, there isn't anyone behind us, is there?"
"Oh no," Konatsu said, wielding her giant mallet overhead. "There's absolutely nobody -"
"Konatsu! You traitor!"
Both Akane and Ukyo had the same exact thought on hearing that voice: Gosh, that was the ugliest sound that I ever did hear in my life. Then they turned around and learned that it didn't come close to matching the visual of where the voice had originated.
"You led them to our weed storehouse! You narc!" the stepmother yelled, whapping the poor girl(?) on the head with a fan. "And you stole the hammer we use to punish you for being a bad girl!"
"H-Hey, leave her alone!" Ukyo yelled.
Akane sniffed the air. Strange... They smoked a hell of a lot of pot back in the village, so she knew the scent anywhere. How could she not? Especially after that one time Mousse accidentally covered her room with the stuff, thinking it was roses. Anyway, the point was that she couldn't smell any pot in here. Not one leaf of the stuff. All she could see were...
Dandelions. St John's Wort. Knotweed?
Did these guys just hear “weed” was illegal and store random plants in here!?
“You’re the manager of this stupid place!” Ukyo shouted, swinging a spatula at the hitler-stache’d woman. “Give me back my fiance and stop bullying this cute girl!”
“C-Cute girl!?” Konatsu whispered, stars forming in the eyes.
"Don't fall for this stranger's charms so easily!" the wicked stepmother yelled.
But you know something... that did give Akane a bit of inspiration. Maybe it wasn't the time for such things, but... Ukyo was the biggest real obstacle to her getting married to Ranma. Wouldn't the best way to get rid of her be to set her up with someone else? Like this cute... boy? Girl? Ooh, why couldn't she make up her mind on that?
<hr>
"Oh, please! You've spent so much time around my future husband that you're conflating genders in cute strangers!"
"No! That's not a real thing, shut up! I'm telling you, there's something off in the way he's acting."
"You mean she. There's no way that's a boy. Unless you're saying Konatsu fell into that spring as well?"
"Ah! You are impossible!"
- Out in the real world, Akane can't help herself but set up Konatsu with Ukyo mid-battle.
- Ranma hears the commotion and comes to investigate.
- Konatsu is compelled to fight the intruders - and manages to kick them out.
- Or take them prisoner.Something else
#1. Martial Arts Speed Dating.
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