Ataru Moroboshi was not known for his intelligence. Persistence? Yes. In that regard, he was rather like a cockroach—actively annoying to deal with and stubbornly difficult to get rid of. A pest you didn’t want around.
And yet, most people who knew them both would still rather have him nearby than, say, Cherry. Which was a rather damning indictment of the boy, if that was the depth one had to reach before finding someone less welcome than him.
In any event, Ataru was currently staring at a ninja contract, reading the same lines back and forth as though they might rearrange themselves into something sensible if he tried hard enough. Eventually, he finished and blinked.
“...Why do all ancient ninja contracts read like tax forms?” he muttered.
Lum drifted closer, hovering at Ataru’s shoulder and craning her neck to see the scroll. As always, unable to keep herself out of his business, no matter what. “Darling, what does it say?” she asked. “Are you in danger? If you are, I’ll zap her!”
Yatsude gave a short, dismissive snort. “Hah. Try it, brat. I’ve been dodging lightning since before your grandmother was born.”
Lum stiffened in midair. Electricity began to spark around her, for once not aimed at Ataru. Which was his cue to step this-a-way. “What did you say, you wrinkly—”
“Lum, wait,” Ataru interrupted quickly, without looking up. “This thing is… weird.”
That, coming from Ataru, was saying something. Behind a tree, Kaede remained half-crouched, as though fully expecting reality itself to lunge at her without warning.
“Weird is bad,” she whispered. “Weird is very bad.”
Ataru tapped the parchment with one finger. For once, it seemed that he'd put some actual thought into the situation they were in. Makes a fine change, wouldn't you agree?
“According to this, Kaede doesn’t actually have to kill me.”
“She… doesn’t?” Lum gasped.
“Nope,” Ataru said. “It says she can also be freed if she swears loyalty to ‘any party who has defeated either signer.’”
For the briefest possible moment, Yatsude’s smile faltered. “…It does?” she said.
Ataru finally looked up. “Yeah. Didn’t you read your own contract?”
“Of course I did!” Yatsude snapped. “I just… skimmed the boring parts.”
Lum crossed her arms. “So what does that mean, Darling?”
Ataru’s mouth slowly curved upward. It was not a reassuring smile. It was the sort of smile that usually preceded injuries, property damage, and at least one angry lecture. Probably a buttload of electricity as well.
“It means,” he said, “that if Kaede beats either of us in a fair fight, she’s free.”
Kaede’s eyes widened. “I… I only have to beat one of you?”
Ataru scratched his cheek. “Well… when you put it like that… Wait a second here."
He took a moment and looked around. There was him. There was Lum. And there was Yatsuda. Taking everything into account, it was pretty obvious, on the whole, which of them, if any would be the most sensible choice by far for any of them to want to take on in a fight.
Ataru took several hurried steps backward as Kaede's eyes fixed upon him. His survival instinct wasn't the best here, but do remember, this is a boy who regularly catches Mendo's razor sharp, well maintained blade with getting himself cut in the process.
“Hey, hold on! You’ve seen me dodge missiles! And hammers! And angry girlfriends!” Yes, that too.
Kaede took a deep breath as she advanced on him. “For three months,” she said quietly, “I’ve been running. Hiding. Changing identities…” Her grip tightened. “I’m tired. I just want it to be over!”
Ataru stared at her in disbelief. “…You’re serious?”
Yatsude hopped onto a rock, assuming the posture of an overly enthusiastic referee. Was it because she was wanting to seee Ataru suffer, or because she thought he might somehow pull out a win? Either way, it seemed she would get something out of it! “Begin whenever!”
Kaede vanished. “Eh?” That was all Ataru managed to say before something struck him squarely in the back and sent him tumbling. “Ow!”
“Shadow Step!” Kaede called. She reappeared above him, sword raised. Ataru rolled away just in time. The blade slammed into the ground with a heavy thud.
Lum gasped. “She’s fast!”
Ataru scrambled to his feet. “Hey, hey! Easy! We can talk about this!”
“Sorry!” Kaede shouted. “I can’t hold back! I already know you are aware of some ninjutsu! Anything you say to make me stay my hand or hesitate might be a distraction!”
Three smoke bombs hit the ground. They detonated at once. The clearing vanished in gray fog. Ataru immediately began coughing.
“This is cheating!” Shuriken burst out of the haze. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. They pinned his jacket neatly to a tree. “I’M STUCK?!” he screamed.
Kaede emerged from the smoke, sword raised. Yatsude leaned forward, whispering in Kaede's ear like the devil.
“Finish it!”
Kaede hesitated. She looked at Ataru’s wide eyes, his trapped posture, his general air of helpless indignation. Then she said something about him that many others have said, for one reason or another.
“…He looks really pathetic.”
“I heard that,” Ataru said.
Her hand trembled. “I… I can’t…”
She turned around, bearing her blade against Yatsuda, but at that very moment... A certain enormous cat finished eating a banana and tossed the peel over its shoulder, whereupon it landed directly underneath Kaede's feet. This proceeded to have no effect at all on her gait because banana peels are rather less slippery than one might be led to believe by literal decades of comedic pratfalls.
Nonetheless, the cat then tossed an empty soda can over its shoulder as well and Kaede stepped on that too, which caused her to stumble backwards towards the tree. She collided with Ataru, dragged the shurikens off him. They tumbled together across the dirt. The sword skidded away. Her head collided with his. Everything went quiet.
"One!" Lum counted, now donning a referee's uniform (by which we mean a black and white version of her normal bikini). She slapped the dirt. "Two!" another slap. "Three! Darling, that's your loss!"
Golden letters drifted into the air. They read: Condition fulfilled: Party of Second Part has defeated Party of First Part through mutual incapacitation. A cheerful ding echoed, and if you listened closely you might hear the sound of thunderous applause. Kaede began to glow.
Yatsude staggered backward. “That doesn’t count! That can’t count!”
The scroll burst into flames. Clearly, it disagreed.
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