Okay, Happosai. You've got this. Deep breath, now. You've got this. You've got this! He slapped his cheeks and jumped on inside - immediately finding a net landing on top of it.
"Good morning, Happy!" Cologne said while pouring a pot of something foul smelling. "If you're here to harass my great granddaughter -"
Tsk! Happosai soon had the net off himself. "I'm not here for your adorable descendant!" Happosai sneered. "Surely you must have noticed she has not been home?"
"Indeed," Cologne cackled. "She must have been busy with son-in-law last night."
There's the difference, right there, and it's one Happosai didn't much care for. He's an evil man, he recognised that. Certainly more evil than Cologne. All the same, that Joketsuzoku attitude. No concern for Shampoo's well being. None at all. She is that confident in the girl's ability to take care of herself, that she's not gone out looking yet. It speaks to the twisted views of her little village of warrior women.
In all honesty if those warrior women weren't all so hot, he'd have never spent so long around them. Hrm... Maybe to pick up a few more of their martial arts tricks for his own interests, but only maybe!
Happosai paced the length of the cafe, his tiny feet pattering against the worn wooden floorboards. The air smelled of noodles and fermented roots, a scent that usually made him sneeze, but today the stench was a comfort. It meant he was in the presence of someone just as morally flexible as he was. Cologne sat cross-legged on a tatami mat, her eyes narrow slits of ancient judgment, slowly stirring a cup of the murky, foul-smelling brew.
"Get to the point, Happy," Cologne rasped. "You didn't risk my nets just to comment on Shampoo's absence. What has crawled out of the gutter this time?"
Happosai stopped abruptly, his hands flying up to gesture wildly. He looked like a manic puppet.
"The world is tilting, Cologne! The balance of power is shifting toward a horizon of flesh!"
Cologne took a slow sip of her tea, her expression unchanging.
"You have always been prone to hallucinations when you haven't stolen a pair of bloomers in over an hour. Speak plainly or leave."
Happosai leaned in, his voice dropping to a frantic whisper.
"It is the Titnosis. The sentient parasite. The multiversal blight!"
Cologne paused, the cup halfway to her lips. A small, dry chuckle escaped her throat, sounding like sandpaper on stone.
"Titnosis? I have heard the whispers from the wandering monks of the outer rim. A parasite that expands the breasts and enslaves the mind through ecstasy? It is a fairy tale for lonely men, Happosai. A myth designed to make the weak-willed hope for a miracle."
"It is no myth!" Happosai shrieked, his voice hitting a frequency that made the tea in the cup ripple. "I saw it! I went to visit Doctor Tofu, and what did I find? I found the most boring man in Nerima reduced to a whimpering dog!"
Cologne raised an eyebrow, her interest piqued despite herself.
"Tofu? That man is as rigid as a frozen board. What could possibly break him?"
"Kasumi!" Happosai exclaimed. "The quiet one. The one who blends into the wallpaper. She has changed, Cologne. She is... she is magnificent, and terrifying! Her chest has expanded into two towering mountains of softness that defy the laws of gravity and physics. And Tofu... he wasn't just enamored. He was gone. His eyes were glazed, his will evaporated. He was kneeling at her feet, worshipping those spheres as if they were the twin moons of a forgotten god. She has him enslaved, Cologne! Completely and utterly!"
Cologne set her tea down with a soft click. She stared at Happosai, searching for the lie. She knew the man was a degenerate, but he was rarely a liar when it came to the observation of women's bodies. He was too honest in his perversions.
"If this is true," Cologne said slowly, "then the Tendo household is the epicenter. Why would Kasumi be the first?"
"It was Akane," Happosai groaned, slapping his forehead. "The girl has acquired the parasite. I suspect she didn't even mean to, the clumsy brat. But in a moment of weakness or perhaps a misplaced sneeze, she triggered it. She has turned the house into a den of hypnotic pleasure. Ranma is surrounded! He has a harem, Cologne! Himself, Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo, the sisters, even that lunatic Kodachi! They are all changing. Their breasts are growing, their minds are slipping, and they are all focused on one thing: the absolute pleasure of their master."
Cologne leaned back, her gaze drifting toward the door. The thought of Shampoo being caught in such a web caused a flicker of something in her eyes. Not worry-Cologne did not do worry-but a calculated concern for the Joketsuzoku bloodline.
"A parasite that uses pleasure as a weapon," Cologne mused. "It is an efficient method of conquest. If the mind is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin, the instinct for resistance vanishes. The victim does not fight the chains because the chains feel like silk."
"Exactly!" Happosai cheered, jumping in the air. "And if it spreads, we are all doomed! Or, well, I would be thrilled for a while, but eventually, I would be a slave! I cannot be a slave, Cologne! I am the master of my own desires! I cannot have some giant-chested girl telling me when to steal panties!"
Cologne sighed, the sound a long, wheezing breath.
"You are truly a pathetic creature, Happy. You seek my help not out of a sudden onset of morality, but out of a fear of losing your autonomy to a larger appetite than your own."
"Call it what you want!" Happosai snapped. "The point is, the situation is critical. If the Titnosis takes hold of the martial arts community, the strength of our styles will be replaced by a collective desire to cuddle. We will be a civilization of pampered pets!"
Cologne closed her eyes, processing the information. She had lived for centuries. She had seen empires fall and styles fade. The idea of a biological parasite taking over the world through sexual euphoria was absurd, yes, but in a world where people turned into pigs and pandas, absurdity was the only constant.
"And why should I trust that you aren't simply trying to lure me into a trap so you can steal my secret scrolls while I am distracted by these... hypnotic breasts?"
Happosai looked genuinely offended. He puffed out his chest, which was barely a bump.
"I am a man of honor! Mostly! Besides, if I wanted your scrolls, I would have just waited for you to nap. This is a crisis of global proportions! Think of the Joketsuzoku! If Shampoo is fully consumed by this Titnosis, she will forget her duty. She will forget the art of the Amazon. She will become nothing more than a pleasure-generator for that boy."
Cologne opened one eye. The mention of the Amazon legacy struck a chord. The pride of her village was paramount. If her great-granddaughter became a mindless thrall to a parasite, it would be a stain on their history.
"Very well," Cologne declared, standing up with a series of pops from her joints. "I find the concept ridiculous, and your motivations are entirely selfish, but the risk to the bloodline is too great to ignore. I will assist you in this endeavor."
Happosai beamed, his face splitting into a wide, toothy grin.
"I knew I could count on you, you old prune!"
Cologne's hand moved faster than the eye could follow. A sharp strike landed squarely on top of Happosai's head, driving him face-first into the floorboards with a dull thud.
"Watch your tongue, you stunted brat," she whispered. "We will proceed, but make no mistake. If I find that you have played me for a fool, I will ensure that the only thing you are hypnotized by is the sight of your own teeth falling out."
Happosai mumbled something into the wood, then popped back up, rubbing his scalp. He didn't seem bothered; the pain was a small price to pay for an alliance.
"So, what is the plan? Do we storm the Tendo house? Do we use a sedative? A vacuum?"
Cologne walked toward her stash of herbs, her movements slow and deliberate.
"We do not rush into a storm of pleasure, Happy. If the hypnotic effect is as potent as you claim, a direct assault is suicide. We will be seduced before we cross the threshold. We need a counter-agent. Something to sharpen the mind and numb the senses. We must make the body reject the pleasure in favor of the pain."
Happosai shivered.
"Pain? That sounds dreadful."
"It is the only way to break a pleasure-bond," Cologne replied, her voice cold and certain. "We will prepare a concoction that will make the skin crawl and the mind alert. Then, we will enter that house and excise the parasite from the girl."
Happosai nodded vigorously, though his mind was already drifting toward the image of the "towering mountains" he had seen at Tofu's clinic. He wondered if the counter-agent would work too well. A part of him hoped he might get just a glimpse of the hypnosis before the cure took hold.
"To the Tendo house, then!" Happosai cheered, leaping onto Cologne's shoulder.
Cologne didn't shake him off. She simply looked ahead, her eyes calculating. The world was indeed becoming a strange place, but she had survived the ages by adapting. If the enemy was breasts, she would simply have to be the coldest woman in the room.
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