Story: Neon Retcon Evangelion

 

It's easy to forget, sometimes, but Neon Genesis Evangelion is a global problem that just so happens to centre on Japan, because that's where Studio Gainax - I mean, that's where Lillith was being held prisoner far beneath Tokyo 3. There were NERV branches all across the globe, all of them working on their own Eva projects, training their own pilots, and so on.

Asuka was from the European branch. Their prodigy, their most successful by a lot. But there are other continents other than Europe and Asia to look at, and it's worth remembering that.

America, for example. I mean, really. The world hadn't changed so much that they weren't an economic powerhouse in their own right. Of course they were developing their own project, with the assist of South America, of course, and Canada as well. It just so happened that America was taking the lead on the matter, and - 

And broadly speaking were just about insular enough to not send along their best pilot in canon. Which makes sense really. Look at America's history. Its people do not like to interfere in others, until given a damn good reason to. Sometimes that reason is 'you gave us a bloody nose', other times it's 'we need oil and you have it', while other times still it's 'our leadership have been bribed or blackmailed into assisting this country or another'.

It reminds one of a quote from Churchill: One can always rely on the Americans to do the right thing, after exhausting every other possibility.

In this timeline, it seemed that they had exhausted every other possibility, and had decided to send along their own pilot.

Marie Vincennes stepped out of the airport wearing a cool pair of sunglasses, a fashionable skirt and top. She blew a bubble from the bubblegum she was chewing, stuck her hand on her hip, and then...

"Nobody's here to even see how fucking cool I am..." she muttered to herself, and then turned up her nose, stalking out into Japan. She snapped her fingers and a long suffering servant came along to carry her bags, helping her into the car waiting for them. She, of course, was dutifully perfect, magnificently precise, as befitted one that was hired to serve one of the destined to save the world.

"Alright, let's get this over with," Marie grumbled to herself, crossing her arms as she settled into the car. "Honestly, it makes no sense to me at all why they'd attack Japan so relentlessly. At the very least I can understand why Sohryu didn't want to come."

"No ma'am," her servant said. "Quite so, ma'am. Have you read the documents on your soon to be coworkers?"

Marie blew another bubble. No. She had not. Why should she? Obviously she was the best trained, the best equipped, the best suited for the task at hand. The finest military in the world's history had trained her.

"Rei Ayanami," her servant said. She handed over a picture of a girl who was generally plain, except for her bright red eyes and bright blue hair. "Apparently, she's perfectly willing and able to do whatever is requested of her."

Marie rolled her eyes. Whatever. No interest in that at all.

"Shinji Ikari," her servant said, handing over a picture of - The future father of Marie's children. "Noted for being quite meek. Still, he seems to generally be popular with girls. He's definitely not a pervert though."

"Yet," Marie growled. "Give me five minutes with him. I shall sit on his face until he is one."

That was most likely not the response that her servant had expected, but if that was the case then she did not let it show.

"Drive me to his place of residence, I have a V-card to punch," Marie sniffed haughtily. "I'll put on my shy and withdrawn act, he'll melt in my hands before he knows what's happening."

"Very good, ma'am!" her servant said, adjusting her glasses. "Incidentally, is the V-card you're punching his, your own, or both?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Marie smirked at her servant.

Indeed, thought Mari Illustrious Makinami. Indeed she very much would~

======

How the fuck had she wound up in Japan?

No, really. How the actual hell had that happened? Asuka had lived through it. Conscious. Her vision, hearing, other assorted senses, had all been active, all been entirely active the whole time, and she still didn't get it. Regardless, here she was in Japan, where Shinji was and she could -

No, no, that wasn't going to be brushed aside here, she was in freaking Japan. She'd gone actually half way around the Earth in seconds. That's around 9322 km. Or if you're American, about 5,793 miles. Which, admittedly, sounded a lot less impressive when you put it that way. Miles were sneaky like that.

The point was that she'd somehow crossed an ocean, a continent, and several international borders without so much as a passport check.

She grasped the sides of her head in rare confusion, and yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Was zum… so funktioniert das mit der Entfernung nicht!"

Next, she turned her attention to, let's not mince words here, her kidnapper. The blue haired menace that she already knew of as Rei Ayanami.

"You!" she yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at her. "How did you do that? Explain yourself!"

"I am literally compelled by supernatural forces beyond my comprehension, and yours, to perform any task required of me," Rei said. Her tone was flat, but Asuka could detect sarcasm anyway. In the same way that she might, for example, detect the shape of a dog in the clouds.

"Oh yeah?" Asuka snorted. "Then here's your command - convince me that is true!" Which she was confident that she couldn't, up until Rei grabbed her collar, dipped her and -

Smoooch~

Huh. Huh! Rei sure had convinced her of a few things right now. Like the fact that she was bisexual. Also, holy shit, she was convinced that Rei could do whatever she was asked. It didn't make an awful lot of sense how she was convincing Asuka right at this moment, but - whew boy did she believe it!

Deep breath, girl. Deep breath! You've encountered a kuudere pixy dream girl.

"Be in two places at once," Asuka commanded. She frowned. There was still only one Rei. Then she realised her mistake. "Be literally next to yourself."

Pop! There's the second Rei now. The other one was God only knows where. She felt a small urge to text paradoxes - but then decided against it. Such a thing would be retreading old ground.

"Take me to Shinji Ikari," Asuka grumbled.

"Yes, we were going to do that anyway," Rei said. "However, we needed to make sure you were in the right mindset to properly challenge him first."

Right. Okay. Whatever that meant. Asuka let loose a weary sigh and accepted her fate. This was gonna be one of those days, huh? Fine. She could cope. She could handle it! She is a peerless genius, after all, and - verdammit, that butt was sublime~

"Oh, that girl definitely did something to my brain..." Asuka muttered while wiping at her mouth. Challenge Ikari, huh? Fine. So be it. She could do that. She was already gonna do that!