Have we mentioned that Yumiko was in a bad mood? We have? Splendid! Did we also cover the fact that she had inadvertently invoked Murphy? See, it's a shame really. The main premise of this story, right here, is that Yumiko, sweet Yumiko, is a prime example of the Christmas Cake type, who has been forced into a younger woman's game. Just slightly too old to be considered a magical girl, and thus must embrace the role of magical woman. Or, at least, magical girl with a body that didn't quite exactly fit her uniform properly...
"Darling, honey, sugar... Oh what should my pet nickname for him be!" her vile and evil archenemy swooned, mooning over the guy that Yumiko had started to develop plans with. This was just her luck. Always her luck. If she found Mister Right, then he'd soon catch the eye of someone else. Someone hotter, with bigger boobs, a nicer body, prettier face - or something weird and mysterious would happen that would ruin the relationship.
Not this time. Before, she couldn't fight back. Now? Now she could!
"Alright, Pluto!" Yumiko decreed, stepping in between the two of them. "It's bad enough you're forcing people to fall in love against their will, but sniping the guy I like out from under me? No chance!"
"You like me?" Hiroshi asked. Both Yumiko and Pluto gave him a death glare, while the love talisman pulsed ominously in his hands. "Uh... I like both of you actually... How strange. It's almost as though this tag is making me feel deep and equal affectionate for both of you at once!"
And there it is. She'd been pulled into a freaking love triangle. Oh, good. Those always work out great, especially in magical girl like stories. Yumiko pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Okay," she said, voice trembling with the kind of restraint usually reserved for people one inconvenience away from committing light arson. "We are going to unpack that statement, Hiroshi, but later. Preferably when you are not under the influence of cursed magical garbage and I am not about to fistfight a lovestruck supervillain."
"I’m not lovestruck," Pluto said, drifting slightly closer anyway. "I am merely experiencing an overwhelming, all-consuming emotional clarity regarding my priorities."
"That is literally being lovestruck!"
"Semantics."
"Also," Hiroshi added helpfully, holding up the charm like he was presenting evidence in court, "it’s not just affection. It’s, uh… very intense. Like I want to protect you both. And also impress you. And possibly cook for you? I don’t even cook."
Yumiko stared at him. Pluto also stared at him. They slowly turned to look at each other.
"No," Yumiko said.
"No," Pluto agreed.
"Good, we’re on the same page."
With that one singular point of agreement made, they both looked back at Hiroshi.
"…We are not sharing," Yumiko clarified.
"Agreed," Pluto said. "I do not collaborate on matters of the heart. Or anything, really. Teamwork is for middle management."
"Hey!" Lunaria protested weakly from the floor.
"Not now, Lunaria."
Yumiko rolled her shoulders, stepping forward. "Alright. New plan. I beat you, I take him, I fix the charm, and then we go on a normal date that does not involve attempted murder or spontaneous marriage rituals."
Pluto tilted her head. "Counterproposal. I defeat you, eliminate all romantic competition, and then focus on building a stable, long-term relationship with Hiroshi through a series of increasingly aggressive gestures."
"That is not a counterproposal, that is a crime!"
"Love is a battlefield."
"Love is not a battlefield, that is literally my job!"
Hiroshi raised a hand. "Technically, I think the metaphor—"
"NOT NOW, HIROSHI!"
The charm pulsed again. This time, noticeably brighter. All three of them paused to look at it, with greater concern, and Murphy laughing in the back of Yumiko's mind.
"…That’s new," Yumiko said.
Hiroshi blinked. "I feel… more feelings."
"That is the opposite of what we want!" Yumiko snapped.
Pluto’s eyes narrowed, analytical even through the pink haze. "The charm is reacting to proximity. Two viable targets, both emotionally charged, both within range…"
"Don’t you science this," Yumiko warned. "Don't you dare try to technobabble -"
"It is attempting to stabilize by equalizing affection output," Pluto continued, ignoring her completely. "Fascinating. Inefficient, but fascinating."
Honestly, at this point Yumiko had no fucks to give. She punched Pluto in the face - or at least tried to. Unfortunately, Hiroshi managed to intercept the punch.
"Aha!" Pluto cackled, and pointed a finger right at her. "Eat this!"
Alas, Hiroshi used his other hand to stop whatever magical bullshit Pluto was about to do. Huh? What the hell was this, now?
"I'm sorry ladies," he said. "I cannot stand to see you fight like this. My body is moving on its own, propelled by the power of love!"
"Question!" Pluto asked, raising her hand. "If either of our allies try to hurt each other, or if I try to use civilians to make her yield, what would you do?"
"Probably interfere in some capacity depending on the context," Hiroshi said.
Pluto snapped her fingers in frustration. "Of course you would," Pluto muttered. "The charm has created a mutual interference variable. How… inconvenient."
"Inconvenient?!" Yumiko snapped. "He just blocked my punch! Do you have any idea how hard it is to land a dramatic, emotionally satisfying punch in the middle of a rivalry scene?!"
"I can imagine," Pluto said dryly. "I have been attempting to kill you for several minutes now."
"Hey!" Hiroshi protested. "Let’s not use the word kill so casually!"
Alas, the damage was done. That is to say, the idea was settled in both of their minds. If they couldn't settle this the old fashioned way... they'd have to do it the love comedy way! Which was something that, frankly, neither of them were especially enamoured by.
The things we do for love.
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