Story: WR Haruhi

 

You've heard of the phrase 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'. Well, it seemed that today, my motto was 'out of the frying pan, into the fire, then drop through that into a pit of lava. Right now, where was I? The answer: Consider what would be my least desired place to be, given how my day had gone. Go ahead. Take a guess.

If you said an expensive room in a Love Hotel, then you win! I would give you points, but my hands are currently tied. Rather expertly as well.

"It's not the first time I've had to tie someone up," said Kyoko Tachibana, who was leaning over me. It's astounding, is it not? How a girl can go from a cute face to utterly terrifying in the blink of an eye! "By the way, I don't recommend trying too hard to escape. I tied the knot so that it would really, really hurt if you did that."

Perhaps best not to test what she meant by that. Besides, it wasn't as if I was in any position to escape even if my wrists were unbound. For you see, sitting on the heart shaped bed was an alien girl with dubious powers. Kyoko was one thing. I'm reasonably confident she could kick my ass with martial arts means in a fair fight, but if I got lucky I could hypothetically clock her with, say, the penis shaped lamp sitting on that nightstand, or perhaps even the chair that I am sitting on.

Kuoh was a different matter entirely. Kuoh made Yuki nervous. The two of them were aliens who seemed to have similarish powers that, apparently, operated on entirely different principles, and I was in little mood to find out exactly what sort of hell she could unleash upon me under Kyoko's guidance.

Which is when I noticed something rather peculiar. Namely: Kuoh seemed to notice I was looking at her. Then she turned, and smiled. Huh? That girl? She was even more robotic than Yuki in her normal demeanour. 

"This room's purpose is fascinating," Kuoh said. "Designed for the facilitation of human reproduction through enhanced enjoyment. An effective means to increase the efficiency of the propagation of the species."

Before I could digest that, Kyoko grabbed my nose and forced me to look up at her.

"Attention this way, buster!" she said, a throbbing vein appearing over her eye. Hold on... Wait a second... These two were behaving rather unusually, weren't they? Kyoko was normally quite calm, methodical, she wasn't the sort to have an outburst like this! She released my nose, apparently having made her point, but she might have made one that didn't sit well in the pit of my stomach.

They were both acting out of character. Complete, coherent sentences from Kuoh? Rash, emotional behaviour from Kyoko? It's said that when a human being has a pattern drawn to their attention, they tend to add to it on their own, well I was adding to that pattern now myself.

It hadn't occurred to me right away, but their body language was much more girly than it had been before. As in, girly in a normal way. Flighty.  Maybe a little flirty. Dare I even say cute? They were both quite pretty, of course, but normally they carried themselves like a threat. There was still an element of that. But there was definitely something more underneath the surface.

Which did bring up the one thing that had disturbed me more than anything else. Kuoh was normally even more blank and emotionless than Nagato. What the hell did the other me do to make her start displaying sex appeal?

"Alright buster, listen up!" Kyoko said. "We know it's you. We know you broke reality. We don't know how you did it, but given the outcome, it's gotta be something to do with your sex drive."

"How does one drive sex?" Kuoh asked. "I would very much like to see this."

"It's a turn of phrase, Kuoh!" Kyoko said, turning back to smile warningly at her. "It's another way of saying libido."

"Ah. Libido," Kuoh said. Then she licked her lips. "I have recently patched in a libido. It would be good to test it."

"You see?!" Kyoko pointed accusingly at her. "You turned our emotionless robotic alien into a nymphomaniac who is obsessed with finding out as much about human reproduction as possible!"

"Human reproduction is also a data point," Kuoh said. Which wasn't wrong, exactly! "To understand the urge to procreate is to comprehend the meaning behind life itself." That... was far more philosophical. It felt wrong to my instincts, but some people might well agree with it?

"Listen, I'm not saying I did this, but -" Kyoko slammed her foot on my thigh. Dangerously close to my crotch. It would do some significant damage if she was to do that a few inches to the left, and the way her eyes were narrowed and her lips pursed were not doing my blood pressure any favours. "But if I did, then I don't know how to undo it! I swear! I tried earlier with Haruhi and Sasaki already, but they just wanted to -"

"Fuck all night like a pair of wild animals," Kuoh said while lewdly grinding her hips. For pity's sake what did I do to her?!

"Kuoh, can you not please?" Kyoko happily chirped back at her. "Kinda in the middle of doing something!"

This really wasn't like her at all. She wouldn't normally have an outburst like that, no more than Kuoh would grab a pillow, put it between her legs, and start to hump it while maintaining eye contact. She was even managing to maintain eye contact even though Kyoko was in the way. Not sure how she was warping space like that, but she was!

"Alright, let me make this quite clear to you then," Kyoko said. "You're not admitting to any responsibility, so time for cards on the table! If reality destabilised any further, it would mean that everything you know and care about - Including Haruhi Suzumiya's hot ass - "

"It is a very pleasant rump, on a body well suited for breeding purposes," Kuoh added. Not very helpful. Kyoko seemed to ignore her, getting right to the point.

"-And we might be the only two that can set reality back to the way it's meant to be, since - to my mortal fucking horror - both Haruhi and Sasaki have been affected as well as your cute emotionless alien and my cute emotionless alien, and I'm honestly not a hundred percent that I'm behaving rationally either. You're really handsome by the way. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Suspicions confirmed! The two of them had definitely been affected by my other self! Kyoko was still fighting the change to some extent, but she was holding onto that cliff edge by the very tips of her fingers. Kuoh was already tumbling down that hill, but Kyoko was still holding on for dear life. If I told them about the wishing rock in this state... no, I'd already disposed of the damned thing. There really wasn't anything that I could do even if I told them!

"S-sorry, I don't think I can help - " I admitted, but then I saw something that made me really nervous.

Both girls were tying their hair up into ponytails.

"Oh come on, does everyone know that's my kink?!" I yelled, reflexively struggling against my bonds and - "Yipe!"

"Didn't I tell you?" said the girl now sitting in my lap wearing her hair up in a ponytail. Ah. Ah! Oh no, somehow Kuoh had warped reality so there was enough room for both of them in my lap! Oof! This was... actually quite heavy. "Now then buster. You're gonna spill your guts."

"Or spill your seed," Kuoh whispered enticingly. G-Gah! This girl was really pretty when you got past the emotionless state of mind deal!

Gah! This really was the sweetest hells imaginable! Other me, if you still existed then I would find a way to make you pay for that! Oh, that did sound a bit cliche actually now that I put it to words. Is that what cliche Saturday Morning cartoon villains feel like when their plans are thwarted every week?

...

On reflection, no, because resignation and total arousal most likely have nothing to do with such shows. Though perhaps it would explain why those characters kept coming back for more. Regardless! Here I am, about to be pulled into a three way with two cute girls I didn't either know or like very much - and somehow, I doubt that anyone is coming to save me this time!