Story: Rei Swarm

 

The city of Tokyo-3 lay before me, the towering skyline shimmering in the afternoon light. I had just arrived, my duffel bag slung over my shoulder, my muscles glistening from my pre-train-exit pump. The world had changed since I last saw it, but I had changed more. The days of being a weak, indecisive teenager were over. Now, I was 18, shredded, and ready for whatever nonsense life threw my way.

Then the nonsense arrived in the form of a giant, shifting mass of blue-haired girls. 

She—or rather, they—loomed over the city, easily taller than the buildings themselves, their faces a serene mask of unreadable expression. The giant Rei Ayanami was not a single entity, but an enormous structure made up entirely of regular-sized Reis, all holding onto one another, forming a colossal humanoid shape. Each one wore a differently colored plugsuit, creating a bizarre, living mosaic of blue-haired clones.

Occasionally, the Reis all cried out in unison, 'Let’s pla~ay,' in a tone that sent chills down my spine, equal parts playful and unsettling.

Before I could even process this bizarre turn of events, a car skidded to a stop right in front of me. The door flung open, revealing a woman with violet hair, a low-cut top, and sunglasses that practically screamed, "I’m hot and I know it."

"Shinji Ikari?" she asked, pulling her shades down just enough to give me a once-over. "Damn. You grew up good."

"Uh, thanks?" I replied, hopping in. "You must be Misato Katsuragi. My dad sent you?"

"Technically, yes. But emotionally? I just had to see for myself what puberty did to you." She winked, gunning the engine as we tore through the empty streets. "So, how’s your life? Been hitting the gym? Because wow."

"I get a few reps in," I admitted as we swerved past an abandoned convenience store at breakneck speed. "Not much else to do when you're waiting for your emotionally distant father to acknowledge you."

"Oof, daddy issues. Classic Ikari. But at least you’re channeling it into something useful. Unlike, y’know, him."

As we sped toward NERV HQ, the radio crackled with updates on the Giant Rei Situation. The military was throwing everything they had at her—tanks, missiles, probably some guy with a slingshot—but she wasn’t even blinking. Just standing there, towering over the chaos, the mass of smaller Reis perfectly synchronized in their movements, creating an eerie effect of unity and detachment.

"So," I said, watching a fighter jet explode uselessly against the Giant Rei’s cheek, "what's the game plan?"

"Well, step one is looking good while we drive really fast. I think we're nailing that. Step two is introducing you to something called Evangelion Unit-01. Ever heard of it?"

"Not really. My dad never calls."

"Yeah, he’s... special." She gave me a sympathetic look, which was a little hard to take seriously given that she was currently taking a hard left turn at 100 miles per hour with one hand. "But hey, at least today you finally get to be part of his world. Whether you want to or not."

The ground shook as another explosion rocked the city. The Giant Rei still just stood there, expressionless, the individual clones that made up her form shifting slightly, but otherwise unbothered by the military’s attacks.

"You sure this thing is going to work?" I asked as we entered a long underground tunnel. "Because she doesn’t look too bothered by anything so far."

Misato smirked. "Oh, Shinji. Sweet, shredded, emotionally complicated Shinji. You are going to pilot the one thing that can take her down."

I blinked. "Wait. Me?"

"Yeah. Didn’t you read the letter?" She dug into her glove compartment and produced a crumpled piece of paper, which she casually tossed into my lap. I unfolded it and read the only three words scrawled on it.

<b>Get in, Shinji.</b>

I sighed. "Of course. Classic Dad."

Before I could argue, we arrived at NERV HQ, an underground labyrinth of steel and neon. Misato led me through a series of hallways, past lab-coated scientists and worried-looking staff, until we reached a massive chamber. And there, standing in the shadows, was it. Waiting for me to arrive. Evangelion Unit-01. My ticket into the world of combat. My father’s grand project. My destiny. And, if I had to guess, my worst nightmare.

"So," Misato purred, leaning against the railing and watching my reaction, "what do you think? Ready to climb into a 40-meter-tall robot and punch a kaiju-sized mosaic of your future classmate in the face?"

I crossed my arms, cracking my knuckles. "I mean, you had me at ‘punch.’"

I climbed into the cockpit, waiting to see my destiny unfold, when I noticed the first incongruity. The device to switch the Eva unit on was... a Rei, with her mouth wide open, and a sign pointing to it that read 'insert penis here to start'.

What else was a man to do but stare down at this sight, see her wiggling around like a dog expecting a treat, and let out a weary sigh.

"Seriously, this is what we're doing this time?" Shinji asked. "Let me guess. I'm gonna head out there, Unit 01's gonna have an enormous penis, and I have to use it to fuck the giant Rei into submission?"

There was some grumbling in the loading bay. It seemed that this wasn't being received particularly well. Which was fine by me. I took a deep breath, and then lifted my arm, which bubbled and rippled, until all of a sudden - pop! Out came a little blue haired head, which was pouting at me.

"Shinji! Play nice!" the Rei merged with me admonished. "We're bored, Shinji!"

Rei heads popped out of everyone present. Misato's was the most notable in that the head popped out from between her boobs: "Soooo bored!"

"Yes, well, how many millenia has it been now?" I asked, throwing my hands up into the air. "I mean, at this point you've already taken steps to ensure humanity is spread across the stars. Like a plague. How many worlds are used as pla~aypits for Rei?"

"One billion, three million and sixty two thousand..." the Rei in my arm rattled off, but I put my other index finger up against her mouth.

"You see? This is what I mean!" I sighed. "Look, girls. At this point you've done pretty much everything but lose -"

"No, we tried that for a couple of thousand years too," Misato's Rei said. She pouted. "Would it be more interesting if we got you to fight/fuck a giant Asuka made of millions of Asuka clones all huddled together? Or maybe pilot a giant Mari instead of Unit 01?"

All I could do was sigh wearily and scratch my head. "Actually, whatever. Fuck it, maybe this scenario will do something new for once..." I took my seat, whipped it out. The Rei inside me shifted some mass to make it bigger, and I stuck it in the cockpit Rei's mouth without a trace of hesitation and - 

Fuck, it's really not fair. Hijacking your nervous system by merging with it like this to cause pleasure no matter how used to it you are... Might as well just roll with it for now and try to entertain my omnipresent playful overlords. They probably had some spanners to throw in the works, huh?